Page 68 of Becoming Selfish

“It’s beautiful,” I tell Eli as I stand, turning to face him, with the water and sun at my back. I tightly grab ahold of my latte, trying to warm my hands again.

He’s still standing up at the top of the shore, close to the tree line.

“Yeah, it is,” he says, staring directly at me. I’m not sure if he’s referring to the scenery or me, but I don’t ask him to elaborate.

“So, you brought me to one of Minnesota’s ten thousand lakes?”

“Actually, it’s a pond. It’s too small and shallow to be considered a lake.”

“So, why the pond?” I walk back up towards him, standing directly in front of him.

He looks around for a moment. “Here. Come here.” He grabs my hand again, leading me to a small bench on the bank of the water. It’s the only man-made thing among the stunning scenery.

I take a seat as he unfolds the blanket in his hands and places it on my lap before sitting down as close to me as he can, tucking himself under the blanket as well. His eyes are locked on the pond as he gathers his thoughts. Eli takes a sip of his coffee, followed by a deep breath before he begins.

“I want to tell you something that I haven’t told many people before. I’m hoping it’ll give you a better glimpse into who I am, not just who everyone at school thinks I am.”

He looks to me with anticipation as I nervously nod my head in response.

“When I was in high school and being recruited by colleges, I was basically a shoo-in to get called up to the NHL within a year or two. I know that sounds super fucking arrogant, but it’s the truth, and everybody knew it. But then, during a preseason game at the beginning of my sophomore year of college, I was illegally thrown into the boards. I shattered my ankle and tore a bunch of ligaments. I couldn’t walk, let alone skate. It was fucking awful.” He tries to shake the memory away.

“I had to take that season off to heal and rehab, and I was really struggling. Physically, obviously, but even more so mentally. Scouts weren’t interested in me anymore, and all of a sudden, my future was up in the air.”

He glances up to me, maybe trying to gauge my reaction, I’m not sure. But he quickly shifts his eyes back down to the ground before continuing.

“I felt this insane pressure to get back to normal, so much so that I started suffering from panic attacks almost daily. Practically every night, I would wake up in a sweat. I couldn’t sleep anymore. It consumed me. For the first time in my life, I didn’t feel like I was going to be good enough again.”

Eli lifts his eyes to mine again, but I don’t know what to say. I’m shocked to learn that he was struggling so badly. He always seems so cocky and proud when it comes to playing hockey, but in reality, he has literal panic attacks, agonizing over the fact that he might not be good enough.

He averts his gaze from mine again as he continues. “When my ankle was somewhat healed and I was cleared to skate again, I fucking sucked. Like I was so bad that I could barely even stand on the blade. I was so weak, and I was doing physical therapy, but it was excruciating, and it wasn’t working. I just felt too much pressure from everyone at school to get back to where I was before, that I couldn’t get my mind right to focus on healing my body.”

I can see the worry beginning to form on his face as he tells me his story. I don’t want to interrupt, but I do want to calm him down. Taking his hand in mine, I lace my fingers through his. His hands are so large and strong that they almost entirely engulf mine, but I love the way it looks, my hand in his. It looks like it belongs there. He gives my palm an appreciative squeeze before taking a deep breath, calming his nerves.

“When you asked me why I brought you here, it’s because this place has become especially important to me, and I wanted to share it with you. During the time that I was trying to rehab, I felt so defeated, and my mental state was so weak, that I made the decision to stop playing altogether. I was going to give up my scholarship and call it quits. I got in the car to drive back to Indiana and tell my dad, but I ended up pulling off for a pit stop and randomly finding Trev’s coffee shop. Trev was cool, and no one was in there that day, so I ended up sitting and talking to this stranger for hours. It was weird, it was the first time I opened up to someone outside of my family, but because I didn’t know Trev, there was no pressure to be the guy that everyone back at school knew. I didn’t tell him everything, but I filled him in enough for him to know that I was struggling. He brought me back here and showed me the frozen pond. He offered it up to me if I wanted to start doing my physical therapy out here, away from the pressures of everyone on campus. His parents own the property, and no one else knew it even existed.”

I turn my body on the bench so that I’m fully facing Eli, even though he continues to look ahead. Keeping our intertwined hands in my lap, I graze my thumb gently across his to encourage him to keep talking.

“I decided to give it a try and see if I could get my mind right as I tried to heal my ankle. I came out here every morning before class and basically retaught myself how to skate from scratch. I felt like I could actually breathe and get away from the anxiety I have when I’m back on campus, and it worked. After six hard months, I was back, and better than ever before the next season started. This place has kind of become my safe spot, and I come out here whenever I need to get away. It’s one of my favorite places in the world.”

He takes a deep breath before taking a sip of his coffee, keeping his eyes averted from mine. Clearly, this is the most vulnerable Eli has ever felt. I can see it in his expression.

“No one knows about this. Only Trev and his wife and son know that I come here, not even my own family. I keep it private, so it doesn’t get tainted by outside noise. You’re the first person I’ve ever told, let alone brought here,” he adds, waiting for my response.

My heart skips a beat at his words. The fact that he wanted to share this place with me makes me speechless. So, instead of saying anything, I reach up and turn his chin to face me, looking from his eyes to his mouth and back again. I can’t help myself as I press my lips to his, the warmth of his mouth igniting my whole body. He stays still for a moment as if my kiss took him by surprise before I move my hand to the side of his face, pulling him into me. As he catches on to what’s happening, Eli sharply inhales, parting his lips, and deepening our kiss. His mouth presses tightly to mine, and I can feel how much he needs me in this moment. He’s warm, and his lips are soft as they explore mine.

Moving his hand to the back of my head, he pulls me closer. We keep our kiss simple but passionate, and after a few moments, I pull away but keep my hand on the side of his face, stroking his shaggy hair with my fingertips, and looking into his warm brown eyes.

“Thank you,” I tell him, “for bringing me here.” I gently kiss his cheek before drawing away.

Eli shakes his head while a surprised smile forms on his lips. “Well, I didn’t expect that,” he laughs. “So can I assume you’re over the whole ‘let’s just be friends’ thing?”

I playfully roll my eyes. “You knew I wouldn’t be able to hold my ground on that.”

He gives me a knowing smile.

“Do you even want to play professionally, or do you feel like that’s what you should do because people are expecting it from you?”

“Oh, no. It’s definitely my dream. It just feels a little more overwhelming now that everyone’s expectations of me are so high. But, as soon as I get that call, I’m on the first flight out to wherever I’m needed,” Eli casually states.