Page 69 of Becoming Selfish

Oh, I don’t like that. I don’t like the thought of him leaving at any moment.

“Does anyone else know about your panic attacks?”

“Only my parents and Marc...and now you.”

“And have you ever talked to anyone about how to deal with your anxiety?”

“Yeah, I’ve seen a few therapists. I was even put on a medication for the attacks, but it made my brain foggy and didn’t work anyway.”

“And you still have them? The panic attacks, I mean.”

Eli chuckles at my string of questions, but I can’t help it. I’m more than curious about this man that no one else seems to know.

“Yeah, sometimes.” He shrugs. “I just try to deal with them when they start to come on. I try to focus on something else.”

“And that’s been working?”

“It has lately.” He pauses. “Since I met you.” He looks at me, no longer nervously keeping his gaze from mine.

My eyes widen at his words. “What do you mean?”

“Since I met you, I haven’t been thinking about hockey too much. You’ve been a distraction, to say the least.”

“And that’s a good thing?” I ask, confused by his admission.

“I think so.” His eyes search my face as his thumb gently caresses the back of my hand. “Do you remember the night you slept in my bed? The night we first met.”

“Of course.” How could I forget? That was the night he crept into my mind and didn’t seem to want to leave my thoughts.

“That was the first time I had ever shared a bed with someone. I had never let anyone sleep next to me because I didn’t trust anyone enough to allow them to see me if a panic attack came on in the middle of the night, but with you, I didn’t care if you saw me like that. I just wanted you near me. The few nights I’ve slept next to you have been the best sleep I’ve gotten in a long time.”

I swear my heart has dropped into my stomach from his confession.

“Why are you telling me all this?” I look at him, honored but confused. He’s so vulnerable with me, and it makes me feel good knowing that he can be open around me, but Marc has always said that Eli was closed off and doesn’t let people get to know the real him.

“Because I want you to know me. I mean, I want you to know anything that you’d like to know.” He looks at me shyly.

My heart is doing that flutter thing again. “I want to know everything.”

A small smile forms on Eli’s lips as he leans forward to gently kiss my forehead, leaving his lips lingering for a moment. He’s done that a couple of times now, and I love the gesture.

“About last night,” he sighs. “I had an old teammate of mine in town. His name is Jay, and Jay is the epitome of the pressure that I feel from the rest of the school to make it to the NHL. Sometimes, I just feel like I have to be who these people expect me to be. So I throw the parties, and I do stupid shit without thinking twice about anyone else. I’ve never cared about anyone before. Before you. But who they think I am is not who I want to be, so I’m working on it. I’m sorry again for last night, but hopefully, this helps you understand me a bit better.”

“It does,” I tell him with a grateful smile on my lips.

I’ve been attracted to Eli since the first moment I saw him, but now, seeing who he really is and getting to be one of the only people who does, makes me more attracted to him than ever before. All the concerns I ever had about falling for this boy are out the window because I don’t really have a choice anymore. I’ve already fallen.

Chapter 47

Eli

I feel an odd mixture of both relief and vulnerability after spilling my guts to Logan. I’ve never been so open with anyone before, but she makes me feel like I can be completely myself with her. Having her in my favorite place makes me love this pond even more. I never thought I would tell anyone about this spot, but now that Logan knows, I want her to be with me every time I come.

“So, now that you know way too much about me, we need to talk about your portion of the paper.” I pause to take a sip of my coffee. “What’s your biggest passion in life?”

“I don’t really have one,” she admits with a nonchalant shrug.

“What? Of course, you do. Everyone has something that drives them.”

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