Page 40 of Becoming Selfish

Ali glares up at me, shaking her head before she walks away, leaving Marc and me alone. She’s clearly pissed off, but I don’t really care about her opinion of me. I’m trying to salvage the only opinion I seem to care about besides my brother’s.

“What did you do?” Marc snaps.

I’m taken aback by his harsh tone. “Nothing, man. Chill. Where is she?” I ask again.

“Ali just told me that she looked upset and went home.” He pauses for my response, but I stay silent. I don’t want him to know how I treated her. I’m not even sure I’m ready to tell him I kissed her, but I’m definitely not prepared for him to know what a dick I was to his friend.

“What the fuck did you do, EJ?” he asks again, this time his voice is even louder.

My defensive mode immediately kicks in. Even though he’s right, I don’t like that he would assume her being upset was my fault. “Nothing! She was probably just tired or something and left. I don’t know,” I lie.

Marc shakes his head at me, clearly not believing my words. “You know, you can be a real selfish prick sometimes, EJ. She’s my closest friend here, and the one person I’ve asked you to be nice to, and you can’t even do that?” His face is full of disappointment but also hurt.

We don’t argue much, but when we do, usually it’s because I’m in the wrong and don’t want to admit it. Marc is almost like my conscience—he calls me out on my shit when I need it. It’s annoying as hell, and sometimes I just don’t want to hear it. I know I fucked up with Logan. I don’t need him making me feel worse about it.

“Fuck you!” I spit back at him, hoping that the harsh words will make me feel better.

“Fuck you, man,” he calmly responds, shaking his head as he knocks his shoulder into mine and walks away, leaving me alone with my guilt.

She can’t be too far ahead of me. I was only upstairs for a few minutes before realizing what a massive mistake I was about to make. If I run fast enough, I should be able to catch her before she gets to her dorm. I don’t like the fact that she walked home alone and drunk, and it’s my fault that she did. Let’s add that to my list of fuckups for tonight.

Running in this cold air is beginning to sober me up. Between that and the argument I just had with my brother, I’ll hopefully be sober enough to apologize clearly and explain to her why I said what I said. I was just hurt; I didn’t mean it. If I were in my right mind at the time, I would never have told her to leave. She’s the only person that I actually want to have around, and I just royally fucked everything up.

I still have yet to see her by the time I reach her dorm. Did she make it here already? Worry begins to take over, thinking that something may have happened to her along the way.

Jogging into the elevator, I press the button for her floor, feeling anxious. It seems like a lifetime since I was last here, when in fact it was just this morning that I was inviting her to that stupid party.

Once the elevator opens, I rush to her door and knock, but she doesn’t answer. The concern increases ten-fold, as I start to believe that something did happen to her on the way back from my house. My stomach is in knots thinking that she could be in any danger. But wait. Maybe she never actually left my house? Perhaps she’s still there. And Patrick...Patrick is still there. The thought of them together causes my stomach to sink until I see a light pop on, shining through the crack under Logan’s door.

She still hasn’t answered, but at least I know she’s home.

I change my knocking to pounding as I call her name. “Logan!” I shout with no response. “Logan. I know you’re in there, please just talk to me for a second.”

Nothing.

“Logan, I know I fucked up. Please, open the door!” I say louder as I continue to pound my fist against the wooden barrier.

Just as I’m about to hit the door once more, it swings open.

“What the hell do you want, Eli?” she asks loudly, her eyes wild, anger clear on her face.

“I just...I want to...” I stutter. All the words that I recited on my way over here are suddenly slipping my mind. I can’t seem to think straight now that she’s standing in front of me.

She tries to close the door, but my arm is firmly pressed against it, holding it open.

She rolls her eyes and lets out a deep sigh. “Eli, I’m going to bed. I don’t want to do this right now.”

“Do what?”

“Whatever it is that you’re trying to do.” She looks away.

“I’m trying to apologize.” I bend my head slightly to make my eyes level with hers. Maybe if she has to look directly at me, she’ll feel sorry for me and listen to what I have to say. “Listen, I’m an asshole. I didn’t mean anything I said. I don’t even know why I said it.” I shake my head.

She doesn’t respond, so I continue.

“And taking Alyssa upstairs...” I pause, searching for the right words. “I didn’t...we didn’t...nothing happened, just so you know.” I hope she believes the sincerity in my voice.

“I don’t care,” she says flatly as she pulls her eyes away from mine. My heart drops to my stomach, hearing those words leave her mouth.

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