Page 39 of Becoming Selfish

She takes a moment to ponder her decision then nods her head in agreement. I can tell that she once again doesn’t believe the words coming from my mouth but doesn’t fight me on them either. She and I are just as stubborn as one another, and she knows that I won’t allow her to follow me home.

I turn on my heel, rushing towards the front door to leave, when I hear Eli’s voice behind me.

“Alyssa.” He pauses. “Come upstairs with me,” he says loud enough for half the house to hear him, but I can tell the volume was meant solely for me.

Turning around, I find Eli’s eyes locked on mine as he wraps his arms around Alyssa’s shoulders and leads her towards the stairs to take her up to his room.

Chapter 34

Eli

I tear my eyes away from Logan’s as I reach the base of the stairs. I wanted her to see me grab Alyssa, and now that she has, I can’t look at her any longer.

I’m numb, but not from the alcohol, as I remove my arm from Alyssa’s shoulders and reach for her hand instead. Her long nails graze against my hand, her fingers interlocking with mine. This feels wrong, but I repress the nagging ache in my chest as we continue up the stairs. I don’t know what the fuck just happened, but I do know I need a distraction right now, and Alyssa can help with that.

Once we reach the upstairs hallway, she makes a beeline for my bedroom door, pulling me behind her.

“No. Not in there,” I tell her, gently yanking her back.

She turns around and sticks out her bottom lip, pouting. “But why not?” she whines in her annoyingly high-pitched voice.

“Because no one is allowed in my room. You know the rules.”

“Fine.” She rolls her eyes with a dramatic sigh. “Where are we doing this, then?” She bites her lip and cocks her head as she runs her fingernails from my chest to my pants’ waistband. She reaches for the button above my zipper and unfastens it without breaking eye contact with me.

I have no fucking idea where the open rooms in this house are now. I can’t recall who all moved in and out this semester, but I don’t want to waste time to find out.

Spotting the bathroom across the hall, I nod my head in its direction. “In there,” I tell her.

She looks at the door down the hall, then back to me, her lips tugging up on one side of her mouth in a smirk. Wrapping her hand around the bottom of my shirt, she leads me towards the bathroom.

As we near it, I’m suddenly reminded of the night I met Logan. She ran into me, spilling my drink down the front of my shirt, in this very bathroom—in this very doorway. I remember the flurry I felt in my stomach and the lack of oxygen in my lungs when I saw her for the first time. I can still picture her embarrassed face perfectly as she apologized for being clumsy. She was so sweet and so flustered. That is, until I was an asshole to her, just like tonight.

I don’t know what went wrong in that alley. Everything was amazing. We were amazing. I didn’t even give Logan a chance to tell me why she thought we were a mistake or why she regretted kissing me. Maybe I could’ve eased her worry instead of validating her regret, but I was so focused on my bruised ego and hurt feelings that I decided to try to make her feel as terrible as I felt in that moment. What the fuck is wrong with me? To be honest, I’ve never had a woman turn me down like that, and I reacted in the worst way possible. I’ve only known Logan for a week, but that’s long enough to know that she deserves more respect than what I treated her with tonight.

I lick my lips as I think about her, remembering how it felt to have her mouth on mine, trying to taste her still. The mixture of vodka and vanilla lingers, but only slightly. I don’t want the taste of Alyssa to take away what’s left of her.

Alyssa reaches for the door handle, but I stop in my tracks, causing her to lose her grip on my shirt. “Wait.” I shake my head. “I can’t do this.”

“What are you talking about?” She turns around to look at me, confused.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“What? But we do this all the time...” she adds, still equally confused though her voice has begun to rise in volume, sounding flustered.

I stay silent instead of answering. My own thoughts aren’t making much sense even to me right now, let alone to someone else.

“What the fuck, Maddison! Is this because of that new girl?”

She’s clearly upset with me, and I don’t blame her. I’ve been stringing her along all night as I tried to get Logan’s attention. I feel a bit guilty, but honestly, Alyssa will be onto someone new as soon as I leave this bathroom.

I unapologetically shrug, ignoring her question. “Sorry, Alyssa,” I tell her plainly, without an ounce of remorse in my voice.

As I re-button my pants, her mouth falls open in shock. I turn on my heel and hurry down the hall, needing to find Logan and apologize for treating her the way I did. I need to hear her out and try to understand her reasoning for stopping our moment.

I rush down the stairs, taking them two at a time while looking around the crowded living room for her, but I don’t see her anywhere. I spot Marc and Ali talking between themselves in the back corner of the packed room, so I make my way through the crowd, pushing without apology, and ignoring anyone who calls my name.

“Marc!” I shout, out of breath, as I approach my brother. “Have you seen Logan?”

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