Page 115 of Becoming Selfish

“Love you, Marc.”

“You too, Logan.” He shoots me a half-smile before leaving my room.

I lie back in bed, trying to get some sleep, knowing I have a test the next day, but I’m having a hard time relaxing. My nerves are shot from listening to Eli struggle for air on the phone earlier. I just wanted to be there and take care of him. I wanted to make him feel better.

This is exactly what I came into this school year hoping to avoid. For once, I didn’t want to think about anyone else. I wanted to be selfish and focus on myself and school. Now, here I am, unable to sleep because I’m worried about Eli. I don’t care though; Eli is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, so if that means losing a bit of sleep or not doing quite as well on a test, that’s fine. He’s worth it.

Chapter 61

Logan

After I most likely bombed my test this afternoon, I headed straight back to my dorm so that I could pack up for the weekend. I made sure to connect my phone to my Bluetooth speaker as soon as I walked through my door, so I can listen to my current favorite songs on repeat as I began to pack my bag. Spotify must’ve picked up on my preferences because the second my speaker was connected, John Mayer’s angelic voice began to fill my room.

I can’t imagine we will do much besides hang around the house this weekend, so I’m only bringing my comfiest loungewear. However, I did make sure to pack a couple of pretty pairs of underwear since Eli will most likely be seeing them.

After last weekend, I basically made up my mind that I was ready to have sex with him. I haven’t told him that, of course, because I didn’t want to make a rash decision right after he asked me to be his girlfriend. But I’ve always wanted to wait for someone I trusted and someone I was hopefully in love with. I couldn’t trust someone more than I do Eli, and even though I would never admit it because it’s far too early and I will freak him out, I think I’m starting to fall in love with him.

Shit, who am I kidding? I am in love with him, and I have been for a while now. I don’t know if it was the day at the pond or when he took me to play basketball as a way to learn about my dad, but I’ve fallen, that’s for sure.

I’ve never been in love before, so I suppose you could question how I know that I am now, but I don’t have the words to explain it. I just know that I am. I’m more confident when I’m with Eli, I think about him always, and I want the best for him. Not to mention that I feel different when I’m with him. I feel more...me.

So, in the words of my guy, John Mayer, whom I have been happily playing on repeat for a couple of weeks now as I let my feelings wash over me, ‘Anything less than I love you, is lying.’

While zipping up my duffel bag, I hear a knock on the door, and it opens before I can respond.

“Hi baby,” I say as the smile on my lips grows from seeing Eli enter my room. I haven’t seen him since Monday, and he looks just as handsome as ever.

“Hey,” he replies tonelessly before bending down and quickly pecking my lips. “Ready to go?” He takes my duffel and swings it over his shoulder, walking out of my room before I can respond.

Okay, what the fuck was that? Eli has never once said ‘hey’ to me, not to mention his monotone voice and the fact that he barely even looked in my direction or embraced me after we’ve been apart all week. What was that about?

Down in the parking lot, Marc and Ali both have a look of confusion and worry plastered on their faces, matching the one on mine. They must’ve already encountered Eli this afternoon.

The drive to the house in Eli’s truck is incredibly awkward. Marc and Ali are sitting in the back, and I’m in the passenger seat. The ride has been entirely silent as everyone picks up on the weird vibe Eli is putting out. Not once has he looked in my direction or even put his hand on my thigh like he usually does. He just keeps driving with his right hand on the steering wheel while leaning into his door, seemingly trying to create as much space between us as possible.

When we pull up and he parks, Marc and Ali hop out with their bags as quickly as possible to head inside. Eli doesn’t open my door, which is fine; I can do it myself, even though he typically insists. I walk around the hood of the car, to his side, as he slings both of our bags over his shoulder.

“Are you okay?” I ask in a concerned tone.

“I’m fine,” he snaps as he walks into the house, not even waiting for me.

Eli drops our bags at the base of the stairs and finds his way to the kitchen. I feel a little stunned right now because I’m used to all the small things that Eli usually does to make me feel special, and today he hasn’t done any of them.

As I walk past the living room to head towards the kitchen, I find Marc and Ali already sitting on the couch, obviously avoiding the bomb that is Eli James Maddison. I look over to Marc with a questioning glance, who simply shrugs in response as if to say he has no idea what’s going on with his brother.

When I make my way into the kitchen, I watch as Eli pulls out two beers from the fridge, popping the top on both, before taking a chug from one.

“Eli, what’s going on with you? What happened yesterday?” I’m careful to keep my tone sweet and non-accusatory as I stand on the opposite side of the island from my boyfriend.

“Logan,” he warns, closing his eyes in frustration. “I just need a minute,” he growls harshly as he walks out the back door with both beers in his hand.

I watch as Eli makes his way down the back porch and towards his parents’ dock on the lake. He chugs his beer the entire time, and when he reaches the end, close to the water, he places his empty bottle on the railing. He leans forward with his elbows on the dock as he begins his second drink.

Through the daze, I find my way back into the living room, where my friends are looking at me with wide eyes. They obviously both just heard the way Eli spoke to me.

“What the fuck?” is all I can manage to ask as I stand in the entryway, feeling somewhat stunned and speechless.

In the time that I’ve known Eli, he’s only spoken to me like this once, and that was after a night of drinking. Eli was completely sober this time when he snapped at me, and this time, just as the last, I did nothing to deserve it.

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