Page 114 of Becoming Selfish

“And my eyes?”

“My other favorite color,” he states, and I can’t help but smile. Not only because he is the sweetest, but because I can tell he is feeling better.

I continue to listen to him as his breathing normalizes with deep inhales and exhales.

“Eli, are you okay?” I ask, hopeful.

He sighs. “Better now,” he says, his voice still shaky, “I’m sorry.”

My brows furrow in confusion. “You have nothing to be sorry for, baby. I just wish I was with you right now.”

“Me too.”

“What happened?” I ask, wondering what the hell brought this panic attack on, seeing as he’s been free from them for about a month.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says with finality.

That’s a weird response for him. He’s been pretty open with me since we got together. He’s not really one to keep things from me, but he probably doesn’t want to relive the anxiety he just calmed himself from, so I let it go.

“Okay,” I sigh. “Have you slept at all this week?”

“Not really, no. Just a few hours here and there,” Eli tells me, which is the other reason I’m using to convince myself as to why he doesn’t want to fill me in on what caused his panic attack. He must just be exhausted.

“Do you want me to stay on the line until you fall asleep?”

“Please,” he sheepishly responds.

Climbing into my bed, I put Eli on speakerphone before setting my phone on the pillow next to me. I lie down and close my eyes as we catch up on our day, steering clear of the topic of his panic attack. Eli starts to sound drowsy in his responses after a while, so I don’t ask any more questions. I just stay on the line, allowing him to fall asleep as I listen to his slow and steady breathing. It’s wild to me how much I appreciate hearing his normal deep breaths after having to listen to him fight for shallow ones just a bit ago.

When a knock sounds at my door, I make sure that Eli is sound asleep before hanging up my phone, as Marc peeks his head through my doorway.

“Hey, come in.” I sit up on my bed.

Marc takes a few steps into my room before putting my notes and books that I left downstairs on my desk.

“How is he?”

“He’s okay now. He just fell asleep.”

“What happened?”

I take a deep sigh. “I don’t know. He won’t tell me.”

Marc lightly shakes his head. “Don’t take it too personally. EJ can get in his head sometimes. It’s probably hockey-related. He’s hard on himself.”

Staying silent, I nod in agreement. I’m trying to be understanding and remember that Eli has never had a partner. He’s never had to be open before, so maybe he’s just not used to communicating when something is going on with him.

“What do you think about going to my parents’ house this weekend? It might be nice to get away from campus. I know EJ has the weekend off from hockey, and Ali can come too,” Marc suggests.

“That sounds like a great idea.”

“Cool, we can head there after our test tomorrow. I’ll text EJ to let him know in the morning.”

I give my friend an appreciative smile. Getting off campus really is a fantastic idea. Whatever it is that Eli is dealing with right now, it’s most likely caused by the pressure he feels from people he doesn’t know or care about. Being secluded with just the four of us sounds like the perfect plan.

“It’ll be okay,” Marc says, obviously noting my worried expression.

I tilt my head as I look to my best friend, thankful to have him.

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