Page 115 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

She has to go home.

As if for a farewell, I take her head in my hands and kiss her gently on the forehead.

You have to let her go, the voice inside me whispers persistently. I wish I could just shut it up, but that’s no longer possible. Lou brought out the new Brendan, who’s now championing her. This is crazy.

I gently withdraw my hands and step outside as if I could run from myself.

In front of the RV, I take a deep breath. It wasn’t fair to leave Lou without an explanation, but I’m not ready to tell her what’s truly on my mind yet. I add a few logs and sit by the campfire. I stare into the flames, lost in thought.

I can’t stop thinking about what I just said to Lou. She must have gotten sick with grief. Perhaps she is not aware of what she has given up with her decision. I can’t explain it any other way, even if she claims otherwise. How could she make decisions now for what might be in five years? Even if she fell in love with me, it can’t last forever. I also just heard her speaking about her home and her brothers and I’m sure she could never talk that way about me. Because there is nothing good to say about me.

I glance over my shoulder at the window and see Lou working at the sink. Her hair falls around her pale pink cheeks and she seems completely engrossed in washing the dishes.

My heart tightens just thinking of her not being here any longer. The dark, cold fear rises in my throat again and I instinctively reach for the silver coin on my bracelet.

I always end up alone. I can’t do it. Not again.

I breathe in and out shallowly, concentrating on pushing the fear away. At that moment, I hear the RV door open.

Lou limps over to the fire, wrapped in the down comforter, and sits on my lap like it’s the most natural thing in the world. I can almost physically feel her confusion by my behavior, so without a word, I wrap my arms around her as cautiously as I did at the lake a few days ago. She nestles against my chest and her hair tickles my lips. Warmth flows into my stomach.

Holding her silences everything in me. The many questions and answers that are burned into my brain stop spinning. I calm down. I tell myself the decision to let her go doesn’t have to be made today or tomorrow. I have time. If not today, then tomorrow or the day after that. This can go on forever until that one day where I can bring myself to make the decision. Or perhaps can’t.

After a few minutes, Lou sits up on my lap. “Is the pendant on your bracelet also a memento?” she suddenly asks, nodding her chin in the direction of the leather strap.

The question surprises me, but maybe it is because we talked about her necklace earlier. However, I don’t feel the need to reveal my past to her. I don’t even want to recall it myself. “It was my mother’s.” My voice is muffled and I clear my throat.

Lou looks at me openly. “Do you want to talk about her?”

“No,” I reply too sharply. Lou flinches. I’m immediately sorry for my harsh tone, but I don’t want to say anything about her. I’m not ready for that. Lou has to accept this.

“You said she abandoned you,” she continues.

I’m speechless for a moment.

Lou carefully places her hand on my arm. “Yet you keep this coin and have the symbol tattooed on your back.”

Blood drains from my cheeks. How does she know this about my mom? I never spoke to her about it, ever. For a moment, a sequence of images flashes in my mind. A blonde woman, a little older than Lou, who runs after a little boy to catch him. The exuberant laughter echoes in me and pain from old longing squeezes my heart. A sound of agony rises in my throat and I can’t hold it back. Out of reflex, I put my hands in front of my face and try to hide the deep horror inside me. “Please don’t, Lou.”

“Bren, look at me!” Lou takes my fingers and pulls them aside.

The image blurs before my eyes. I no longer see her but all the things I have locked inside me. Endless darkness, sorrow, and pain. Rose tendrils on ebony.

“I want to help you,” I hear Lou say urgently. “Eventually, you’ll have to talk about it. You’ll need to.”

My stomach convulses. “I don’t have to do anything!” That is old Brendan speaking for me and it’s useless to fight him on this.

Lou shakes her head. “Otherwise, we’ll never be able to live a normal life. I will always be afraid of you. Part of me will always fear the other Brendan, do you understand?”

I don’t pay attention to her because I can’t get her earlier words out of my mind. “I never told you about my mother,” I say uneasily, my heart beating too fast. “How do you know that I think she abandoned me?”

“You talk about the past during your flashbacks. You take on different roles.”

It feels like she pushed me into ice-cold water.

“Hasn’t anyone ever told you?”

“No.” I stare numbly into the darkness of the trees. My ears start buzzing. A terrible suspicion arises in me.

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