Page 114 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

Thirty

Iwalk through the next day as if in a thick fog. Over and over, my thoughts wander to Lou and what I should do. When I cook her favorite dish in the evening, I hardly eat anything and feed Grey some noodles instead, lost in thought. Lou gives me a strange look while coiling spaghetti on her fork, but doesn’t say anything.

Trying to pull myself together so she doesn’t get scared again of me and my moods, I eat a few bites.

Still, I’m relieved when I can turn my back to her while doing the dishes. Looking at her means seeing all that I will lose if I give in to my inner voice. Besides, I feel like even though I’m trying not to show it, she’s realizing how messed up I am. And I don’t want to tell her anything about it yet, because I may change my mind.

I scrub the dishes monotonously with the brush and run the water afterward.

“Are you sick?” Lou suddenly asks.

It is obvious, she already knows me too well!

I set a plate on the drying towel, forcing a smile on my face before turning to face her. “No, why do you ask?” My tone isn’t quite as carefree as I would have liked.

“You’re so pale. Maybe you caught it.” Lou gives me a searching look.

I wipe my hands dry on my pants and sit down on the bench across from her. “I don’t think what you have is contagious,” I say seriously. I grab her fingers across the table.

“Why not?” Lou frowns. She is wrapped in her down comforter, looking like a small soft package. And while she seems happy overall, she can’t possibly be.

I cling to her hands, and for a few seconds, I can’t answer. “I can’t give you what you really need,” I finally explain. “There’s no medicine for that… I think you got sick because you’re unhappy. Your immune system’s weakened, then there’s the escape, and the cold…” I stand up abruptly, remembering the necklace. With a soft tinkle, I pull it out of the cupboard. Lou’s eyes grow as big as saucers.

“I found it on the hillside.” Suddenly, I’m afraid of her reaction. Maybe this chain will make her sad, too. “It was hanging from one of the rocks. The chain broke…so, I…well, I didn’t want to give it back to you until I fixed it.” I hold out the chain and Lou grabs it, hands shaking. “It seemed important to you…you never took it off.”

Lou swallows a few times in a row and then shakes her head briefly. “Oh, Bren…thank you…”

We look at each other and Lou’s eyes still have that deep, dark sparkle that makes me long for so much more.

I expected her to put the necklace on immediately, but she puts it on the table for me to look at, and delicately runs her forefinger over some of the charms: a silver cross, a red heart, a hand that looks a bit like a bell, and a turquoise disc with silver trim. Maybe she’s trying to make it clear to me that she wants to share her memories with me—just as you would in a normal relationship.

I sit back down with a bitter taste in my mouth. I have no right to this past, quite the opposite.

“These four are from your brothers,” I state instead of formulating it as a question. I’m sure because she doesn’t pay attention to any of the others.

She nods and suddenly looks as lost as I currently feel.

“Do you want to tell me about them?” I smile, but it feels wrong. And even if I don’t feel like I deserve her words, I have to let her speak.

As a tear rolls down her face, I catch it, and caress her cheeks.

Lou smiles bravely, grabs the chain, and puts it around her neck. It is as if a sigh of relief goes through her body and then she begins to talk, hesitantly at first, but after a while, her voice becomes more firm. I listen spellbound as she speaks lovingly of her brothers.

About Ethan, who rules the family like an imperious king, but who also tirelessly watches over everyone. About Avery, the passionate cook who acts as a mediator between siblings, and Liam, the outsider whom she particularly loves, maybe because of that. When she talks about Jayden, her voice cracks. She clutches the turquoise disc on the chain, and for a moment, I have to think about Delsin and Istu. She says Jayden is the dreamer in the Scrivers’ family and that his stories reflect his heart.

“I had everything I needed as a child.” She cries and I wipe the tears from her face. “A house full of love… A brother to take care of me… One to spoil me, one to invent the greatest games for me, and one to annoy… I felt loved, I didn’t care how much or little we had. I never wanted to leave Ash Springs, our house and our yard where Liam made me catch invisible rhinos… It was paradise even though I didn’t really realize it at the time.” Small, soft sobs pepper her words. I awkwardly stroke her hand that still clutches the pendants of the necklace, and slowly she calms down.

My heart grows so heavy it feels like it’s about to fall out of my chest. She should still be there. She belongs in Nevada, not the Yukon. She’s not mine and I need to put an end to this.

There is a moment of silence as we look at each other. Lou’s blue eyes are so painfully familiar to me yet, at the same time, completely alien in their depths. How is it possible that you know someone and, at the same time, don’t? Why is it that Lou’s mere presence makes my heart overflow with joy and, at the same time, provokes such great fear?

You know exactly why.

I look away and stare at the darkness outside the window.

“You’re acting weird today,” Lou whispers. “What’s wrong?” Her voice is still hoarse from crying.

“I’m not sure.” I blink at her.

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