Page 117 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

“That’s not true!” she yells back, her body shaking with anger. “I sacrificed everything for you! My whole life! But that doesn’t seem to mean anything to you. You know what? I wish I had screamed by the river! I wish I had at least wanted to scream! I wish I was home and not with you!”

Pain breaks through the armor that surrounds my soul. It is so strong that the red fog clouds my vision. I knew it. She doesn’t even want to be here. She merely pretended to love me to gain leverage over me. All she feels for me is pity and contempt.

You are nothing, just ashes and dust, you godless bastard! One cannot love you.

Acid rises into my mouth, my chest tightens. I breathe to clear my vision. Never lose your center of gravity. I allow the old anger to settle over my pain. It is cool and much easier to bear.

With a statuesque expression, I stare at Lou, who looks at me with a mixture of defiance, helplessness, and anger.

“I’m so glad I figured you out in time,” I say coldly and calmly.

Lou appears so confused, like I left her alone in a strange wooded area. “What do you mean, just in time?” she asks, pursing her lips.

I suppress a mocking laugh. “I’m an idiot! I was thinking about letting you go.” My voice cuts the words out of my flesh, knowing how badly it will hurt her. Maybe that’s exactly what I want. “I’ve been seriously considering it since we got back. No, actually, ever since you told me you love me.” I touch my forehead and laugh at my own stupidity. “And here it was all a lie.” For a moment, I stare into the fire. The wolves are silent. The forest is silent. Lou is silent.

You didn’t expect that, did you?

An owl hoots in the distance, then I hear Lou sob and look over at her.

“You were going to let me go?” she whispers weakly. “You thought about it?” She takes a step toward me, tears in her eyes.

“It doesn’t matter,” I reply hard-heartedly. “I’ve changed my mind.” It must be hard for her, but my heart feels like a lifeless block of rock.

Lou presses her fist to her mouth. It looks like she’s trying with all her might to hold back the tears, but she can’t. She’s being shaken by crying fits and her shoulders tremble. A tiny little part of me wants to hug and comfort her, but the other is stronger. The other feels betrayed and left alone, and he wants to hurt as much as he was hurt. He takes pleasure in her pain as the man used to take pleasure in the boy’s pain. I hate that part, I despise it, but I’ll never get rid of it. It’s inside of me like an incurable disease; it was insane to think I could become a different person. I narrow my eyes at Lou.

She takes it as a request because she stretches her arm out to me again. Weeping. “Bren…please…you can’t think such things about me…”

I ignore her gesture. I don’t want to be fooled again. “You should go in now,” I say unperturbed. “You’re not quite well yet.” I firmly grab her outstretched arm. “Come on, come with me.”

Gruffly, I push her in front of me, just wanting it to be over, and not see her anymore, at least not today. I drag her into the RV.

“Brendan, please, be reasonable…” Lou is still crying, but I ignore it. She can cry as much and as hard as she wants, I won’t give in. As she trips over her blanket, I catch her and give her a shove so she falls onto the bed.

I know what I have to do. With a numb heart, I go to the front and mechanically retrieve the iron chain with the handcuffs from the closet.

Lou doesn’t even look at me, and even if she did, she couldn’t see because her eyes are still filled with tears.

“Give me your wrist,” I instruct her.

Lou obeys without resisting and I snap the cuff into place.

Monster, whispers the voice in my head.

Wordlessly, I walk outside without turning back to her.

Chapter

Thirty-One

For a while, I stand by the fire, breathless with anger, unable to think about anything but our argument. I can’t believe what just happened, it’s complete chaos. How could Lou have fooled me all this time?

Trembling, I clench my fists, open them again and bury my hands deep in my pockets. I can’t get her tearstained eyes out of my mind. Or her words.

I didn’t have to prove anything to you because I truly love you!

She sounded so sincere. But she’s done that before, even when she tricked me. Shit, I don’t even know what to think anymore! Why didn’t she tell me about the blackouts? What exactly does she know? Does she know my stepfather treated me like a mangy dog? Dragged me around the house on my hands and knees by a chain and made me eat from a dog bowl on the floor whenever it amused him? With my hands tied behind my back? Does she know about the coffin in the basement, the humiliating punishments? What else does she know about my mom? More than me?

How can she know it and not say anything about it?

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