Page 118 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

Because at some point she planned on using it against you.

But she said she loves me.

You think someone like her could love someone like you, shithead? Isn’t that why you kidnapped her?

Bren, I love you. She said that.

Forget it, bastard. Nobody will ever love you.

Maybe you’re just making it easy for yourself. Maybe you want to be mad at her so you don’t feel guilty about keeping her here!

The lump in my throat feels like stone. Do I want to make it easy for myself? Is it that simple? Is it possible that Lou was telling the truth and just kept silent out of respect for me?

Never! She would never love someone like you!

I close my eyes and try to block out the evil voice inside me. Lou talked to me during the flashes and helped me come back. Even the first time during the thunderstorm. Maybe she reacted to what I said. I was so grateful to her then. And if she’s telling the truth, she already knew quite a bit about my past at that time. So, nothing has changed.

As if through a fog, I see her tearstained face in front of me and hear her desperate sobs because I don’t believe her. Fuck!

I put my hand over my mouth as if trying to stifle a groan. As usual, my fear and anger have ruined everything; my fear of having to let her go because it’s the right thing to do, it’s something a good person would do.

A dull pressure squeezes my heart. I’ve been acting like a raving lunatic. It was an act of cruelty to tell her I considered letting her go. Tonight, I still thought all I wanted was her happiness. Simply because I love her. And whatever she thought, planned, or wanted, if I truly love her, shouldn’t matter. It must not play a role in this decision.

You have to let her go.

I swallow against the cold panic in my throat. This time I manage to keep the fear down enough to think it through to the end, down to the last detail. I wouldn’t even care if Lou turned me in, though being without Lou would be punishment enough. In the wild or in a cell, it would be the same for me. Both feel pointless, but it’s not about me.

I take a shallow breath.

I have to do it. As soon as possible, so I won’t change my mind again. I can never let old Brendan get the upper hand again.

Abruptly, I turn from the fire and go straight back to the RV. I carefully open the door, climb the steps, and stand in the aisle. My eyes sting as I look toward the back. Lou is curled up on her side, her face chalk white and swollen from crying. What a huge idiot I was!

“Lou?” I ask softly.

Step by step, I approach the bed, but she doesn’t move. “Lou?”

She’s breathing deeply and evenly. Maybe she’s so exhausted from the argument that she fell asleep—she isn’t healthy yet after all.

With a deep sigh, I release the key from my belt and unlock the cuff around her wrist. She mumbles something under her breath and pushes her free hand under her cheek, but her eyes remain closed.

I look at her with a hollow feeling in my chest.

So dark… Mom…

The boy’s voice fills me like a perpetual echo. I mechanically clutch the iron chain still attached to the wall anchor.

Come back…where are you, Mom?

The smell of wood stain emanates from somewhere far off. The ground beneath my feet quakes like it did on Quiet Lake. Shades of gray flicker in my vision. Shakily, I unlock the handcuffs that hold the chain to the anchor, grab more chains from the closet, and jump down the RV steps.

So dark, dark, dark…

My chest and stomach contract painfully, a dark flood filling my mind. I need a tree, something to tie myself to… Suddenly, I’m in the middle of the forest, stumbling through the deadwood with leaden feet, feeling scratchy twigs on my face. On a tall spruce, I connect the steel chains and loop them around the trunk, but then I realize I still have the key with me. I need it to close the handcuffs. Once done, I can’t throw it into the woods where Lou would never find it.

Heart pounding, I dash back, crashing through the undergrowth and yanking a master key from the carabiner. Panicking, I dig a thin string out of my pocket and thread it shakily through the eye of the key. Where to put it? Where? My gaze falls on the side mirror and I breathe a sigh of relief. In no time at all, I hang it there just in time. The darkness within me swallows the forest and the trees. Everything grows dark as if the world only consists of shadows.

Can’t breathe…so dark…

---