Page 110 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

As if through a fog, I notice Lou slipping her arms under my armpits, holding on to me. Her sweaty fingers cling to my damp back. I hold back, move slowly and carefully. A soft gasp escapes her mouth. So untainted and full of wonder. It drives me mad, insane, makes my heart race. This is incredibly different from what I did in dimly lit basements. That was dirty, restless, filled with dark lust. This is beyond anything I’ve experienced. There is a beautiful pain somewhere deep inside me, like all my wounds bleed and heal simultaneously.

And I want a lot more of her amazement, her desire. I roll onto my back so Lou is on top of me.

“Now you,” I whisper with a smile.

Lou puts her hands on the sand next to my head, her cheeks are flushed, her eyes bright with fever. Her body presses against mine. She looks at me inquisitively and I think I understand her.

With a soothing gesture, I stroke her damp sandy hair. “Don’t worry, it will flow on its own,” I say quietly to take away her shyness.

I put my hands on her shoulders, straighten her up, and gently press my abdomen against hers. Lou doesn’t need more prompting. Slowly, she lifts her hips and then sinks down in a concentrated and deliberate manner. She peers at me, unsure if she’s doing it right. I nod slightly. Heavens, it’s killing me. Lou, her insecurity and constraint are driving me insane. My body is on fire. I see Lou as if through a bright, misty flicker. The blonde tousled hair, the shiny red lips, her thighs straddling me, the endless astonishment in her eyes.

My heart is beating hard and rough in my chest. It’s searching for the rhythm in a place only she knows. It’s like the heartbeat of the earth, a dark, slow beat. Deep inside, I feel it vibrate and swell. Faster. Hunting. The images of the moment race past me. Lou’s sweaty skin, her pale breasts that glow in the dark and bob up and down.

The heat inside me becomes an unquenchable burn. When I think I can’t take it anymore, I grab Lou’s hips. A surprised sound comes out of her mouth. It drives me crazy with lust and longing. I have the feeling of overflowing. I dig my fingers into her ass hard, wanting to hold her down so she stops, but it’s impossible. Her breath catches. My pelvis bumps against hers over and over. Harder, deeper. Eventually, her back arches and she throws her head back. A dark sound escapes my throat. Everything in me pulses. A shiver of excitement floods her body and ends in mine. Her sweet, stormy gasps fill the night, a sigh of relief and a whimper. It fills me and something inside explodes. The burning shoots out of me. I hear myself scream as I’m carried away momentarily on a wave. To Lou, to us. To what is happening to us.

Seconds later, Lou descends on me with a strangled breath. Her body is soaked with sweat and her hair tickles my chin. I silently wrap my arms around her and hold her tight. Against my chest, I feel the pounding of her heart, a wild, stormy drumming. Da-da-dam-da-da-dam-da-da-dam. I stroke her damp back soothingly, and in response, she wraps her arm even tighter around my neck.

This is forever. It just has to be.

For the second time, I feel like I died and rose again. The echo of our love connects me to a place deep inside me, yet I feel infinitely far away.

I have to think about how everything can change forever in the span of a few moments. Maybe Lou is right. Maybe someday I can become a better person. With a sigh, I pull her even closer to me, feeling her soft body, her heart slowing, and her wonderful exhaustion.

I don’t know how to breathe and live without her.

I close my eyes. I don’t want to think about it, not after what just happened. I simply want to lie here and feel like the past has no power over me. As if Thorson Ave, my stepfather, the beatings, and the darkness never existed. Like I’m a normal boy and Lou is just the girl I love and who I came to the lake with. With her so close to me, for the first time I manage to feel innocent as if I had no past at all and, inside me, it’s like the little boy is reaching for my hand.

Later, Lou and I get up and walk back to the fire hand in hand. We silently fetch the bundle of firewood from the edge of the forest and add a few logs before we crawl into the warm sleeping bag together.

I can’t stop looking at or touching Lou. My longing for her has only grown stronger now. I whisper to her how beautiful she is and silently add how much I love her. Everything about her. Just like before yet different. The Lou I love is no longer a fantasy. She gets scattered red spots when she’s nervous. She doesn’t like to eat rabbit and she’s not just a bright light, she laughs and cries. She’s funny at times, often sarcastic, and mostly brave. She gets to the bottom of things. And she has a big heart, not just for wolf pups. She is a fighter. Her stomach is ticklish below her navel. She likes to be kissed tenderly and stormily. She’s barely responsive before her first coffee in the morning and she tugs at her hair when she’s nervous.

I knew so much about her before and yet nothing.

I stroke her hair and we make love again, this time not so quickly and breathlessly, but carefully and slowly as if we have all the time in the world.

When I wake up the next morning, I hold Lou in my arms like I did the night I warmed her. Her back nestles against me as her butt presses gently against my abdomen. For a moment, I’m tempted to pick up where we left off last night, but then I think of the twenty miles I have left to cover today. Besides, I don’t want to scare Lou. As if reading my mind, she snuggles into me and I sigh and pull her closer.

“We have to go,” I whisper hoarsely into her sleep-warm neck.

I hear her yawn and mumble something that sounds like lying down.

There’s nothing I would rather do. To motivate myself, I slide away from her and focus on the area. In the pale light of dawn, the first chirping can be heard from the thicket. A high-pitched whistling concert alongside the splashing of individual drops that fall to the ground after the long rain. Only now do I realize how odd I feel. Strangely speechless at what happened. And I don’t know how to deal with Lou. What does she expect from me? Does she expect anything at all?

As we crawl out of the sleeping bag and dress, I sneak a peek at her. There is a faint smile on her sleep-reddened face.

Is she happy? She can’t truly be happy with me, can she?

We roll up the sleeping bag together and when I go to pick a few berries, she comes along as if it was natural. Later, we take turns stirring Grey’s milk. We hardly talk. Maybe I’m not the only one afraid of the words. There are so many things I need to say to Lou: I love her and I can’t accept her sacrifice. That I’ll take her back to her brothers. But none of that comes out of my mouth. Saying it makes it true because to do otherwise would be cruel. I can’t raise her hopes if I can’t fulfill it.

That’s the point. I don’t know what I’m willing to give. Maybe Lou and I have a chance here in the Yukon. Maybe Lou’s sacrifice is our future and we’ll be happy in the wild.

As we spoon oatmeal from a bowl, we hold hands without looking at each other. Later, much later—we’ve been underway for a while and I feel her warmth on my back—confused images spin through my head. Spinning around, we let ourselves go and sing with outstretched arms around the campfire at the RV. The next moment, we walk hand in hand gravely and silently across the frozen Quiet Lake. Then, we make love in the cabin’s bunk. Finally, I see Lou running across the dry grass to her brothers.

For the first time, I’m seriously thinking about what it would be like to let Lou go. What it would really mean to me. Can I live with that decision? The answer is no. Nothing makes sense without her. Not even the Yukon makes sense. Without her, my life would be worthless, a lifetime of dying.

Eventually, I snap out of my thoughts because Lou’s teeth are chattering. I stop abruptly.

“You’re shaking,” I say in surprise and glance over my shoulder. “Are you cold?”

---