Page 109 of Trapped: Until The Darkest Of Night

I shake my head with tears in my eyes. “I’ve done everything wrong again…” I slowly take a step toward her. “When I heard them…I thought they were going to take you away from me. There were six of them.” I slap my hands over my face, a cheap shield to hide the chaos inside me. “I thought that was it, that I’d lost you forever…” My body trembles, but I don’t care. For the first time, weakness doesn’t matter. The world has turned upside down and in front of me is the girl I love, who didn’t leave me when she had the chance. “Why didn’t you scream… I don’t understand you… Lou, why not?” I can’t stop repeating it. I comprehend nothing and yet everything. My fear is so great; the fear of hurting Lou, the fear that this sacrifice will go too deep. I just don’t deserve it—yet I really want it.

I breathe in shakily and hear a landing formation of swans and the gentle ripple of the water.

“You want to know why I didn’t scream?” I suddenly hear Lou ask directly in front of me. The challenge in her voice is as brittle as glass, like everything that binds us.

I can only nod and lower my hands. She stands a few steps in front of me. My gaze strays over her face and the tiny details seem oversized and intense. The silky lashes, the delicate cinnamon-colored freckles, the pale cheeks. However, it is the look in her eyes that almost brings me to my knees. A vulnerability shimmers in it that seems even greater than the sacrifice she made. It’s a silent, desperate plea not to hurt her. A plea to the part of me that loves her with that tenderness so foreign to me.

Come to me, Lou, I whisper in my mind. Come here.

As if hearing me, she takes the last step toward me, wraps her arms around my neck, and rests her head on my chest.

The gentleness of the touch has me frozen with fear like at the beginning of our journey. I can feel Lou everywhere, but my hands are paralyzed and won’t obey me. I want to hold and protect Lou; from the Brendan I fear so much myself, who knows no closeness and no love. Who always destroys everything and says the wrong words. However, Lou believes in the other part of me, unconditionally and much more than I do. She believes in the Brendan who drank the drug and who might be a good person.

I can! I mentally scream, awkwardly wrapping my arms around her waist. Then, I just hold her. Just hold her tight.

The feeling of falling shudders through me like I’ve jumped off a bridge, when Lou pulls my head down right into her hair. The smell of pine needles, river water, and smoke fills me. This is so real. So real. There’s nothing left but her and me, our tightly entwined bodies and trembling heartbeats. Being embraced in Lou’s arms makes me feel complete. As if I had been wandering aimlessly since birth. Blind, deaf, and dumb, and as if within her were the images, melodies, and words that were stolen from me.

The fabric of my hoodie gets wet and I realize she’s crying. Probably has been the entire time.

“Do you know now?” she then asks through a soft sob.

I can’t speak, not even nod. This love hurts. She’s breaking everything in me. Instead of answering, I pull Lou even closer and suddenly her hands are on my cheeks. They are soft and hot. The softness is driving me insane.

I don’t know if Lou inched even closer to me or if I leaned down closer to her. I can only feel her silky soft skin under my lips. Her smooth forehead, her delicate eyelids, the cool tip of her nose. Her mouth.

My heart is pounding in my chest. I kiss her as gently as I can and she opens her lips for me. Her warm tongue presses against mine, timid and shy, almost questioning. Am I allowed to do this? Will you ever hurt me again? Hot, cold shivers run down my spine. I think I’m going insane with happiness. She tastes so good. Like salt, like raspberries and peppermint. All I can think about is how much I want her. All of her. The whole Lou.

When her knees buckle, I pick her up, and she wraps her legs around my waist without breaking the kiss. She presses against me, tight, everywhere, digs her hands in my hair. Oh, God, my body aches with desire. A breathless tremor runs through me. I feel trapped by intoxication.

At some point, we pull apart, gasping for air at the same time. We gaze into each other’s eyes and I find something in her expression that I know I’ll never forget. Something deep, sparkling, enigmatic, something like shadow luck or dazzling night. Something contradictory yet at the same time, immensely strong. It awakens such a longing in me that I think my heart might burst into two if I don’t feel Lou right away.

We kiss again and I carry her to the shore. Everything flies by me, seemingly surreal. The screams of the wild geese, the golden leaves, the smell of the river, and the humidity. I carefully place her on the narrow strip of sand covered by the hanging branches of the willow and lower my body onto hers, covering it completely. I rest my hands on the sand on either side of her head and look at her from above. Her eyes flicker, confused but happy. She smiles and it encompasses so much, everything really. Everything I’ve always wanted. This can’t be reality. It can’t possibly be real. Things like this don’t happen to me. I must be making an odd expression because Lou digs her fingers into my hair tightly again and pulls me toward her until my lips hover over hers. I feel her rapid breath against my mouth. I suppress the throaty sound rising in me. My longing for her is killing me. My desire is killing me.

I find the hem of her sweater with my fingertips, slide my hand under, and feel her warm skin, her smooth stomach, and the tender curve of her breasts. I gently enclose them in my fingers; so sweet, so soft. Just like I always imagined.

At that moment, I wake up as if I was in a dream. This is going too fast. Not for me, but for Lou. But I don’t want to stop. I want to keep tasting, feeling, and smelling her. But then I think how easily I can ruin everything.

“Maybe…maybe we should wait…” I whisper hesitantly, looking at her again: the oval face, the flushed lips, and the eyes blazing with heat, which have never been more unfathomable than they are now. “Maybe after what happened, you’re too confused to know what you want.” It’s hard for me to say since everything inside me is burning hot and cold. I try to hide it for Lou’s sake, but I have a feeling I can’t.

She doesn’t answer right away, but pulls me down a bit. The tip of my nose touches hers. “No,” she whispers. “No…I’m not confused. I’m simply sad because I can’t have it all.”

She means her brothers, her home. I back away automatically, but she pulls me down by the shoulders and begins kissing me again in her shy, innocent way. Am I allowed to do this? Will you ever hurt me again?

Dammit! Stop it, Lou! If you’re not certain, you should stop!

But she doesn’t. She sucks on my tongue, circling it with hers, sweet and promising. My abdomen starts to tingle. My mind is flying away.

Suddenly, the desire in me becomes as big and unstoppable as a fire in a dry summer forest. I rip my sweater off my body and pull Lou’s over her head. Pale and silvery, her body shimmers in the darkness. Her breasts are milky white, small and firm, the nipples bright as rosebuds. I trace the contours with my fingertips and kiss the goose bumps that form underneath. My stroking fingers and lips move upwards again and again and I kiss Lou. I taste her wet tongue as I take off my pants and then hers. We aren’t wearing anything underneath and I feel her everywhere.

My thinking, senses, and desire merge. Burn as if they were already a memory. There’s the patter of rain, cold drops on my back, and Lou’s hands timidly sliding over my body. Over my shoulder blades, down to my butt, to the back of my thighs, and back up into my hair. My lips and fingers explore Lou everywhere; warm, damp velvety areas. She trembles beneath me at my touch. Her lips in the hollow between my neck and shoulder. Her hands shyly feel their way down. Everything blurs and rushes past me. Kisses again. This time stormy and erratic. A shiver runs through me. My body tenses, I want all of her and as if Lou can feel that need, she opens her legs for me.

I enter her carefully. Her breath bursts in tiny gasps against my skin and her eyes flicker, a mixture of fear and desire. Suddenly, she gasps and I stop, startled.

“Lou? Everything okay? Does it hurt?” My words seem strange to the situation, but she nods.

“It’s okay,” she whispers back, breathless, and her fingers, which clawed at my hair, let go. “It’s almost over.”

I wait anyway and only continue when her eyes are open and round again. When I’m completely inside her, feeling her so intensely, I know I can never let her go. It’s only now that I realize how much I’ve longed for her. My body trembles with excitement, ecstasy, and happiness.

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