Page 90 of Shattered

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Sienna: It hurts.

Neilix: I know . . .

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Neilix

Adi smiles at me through the screen, and I try hard to shove down the guilt rising to the surface for not having him with me this weekend. I never give up my weekends with him, but this time, it was necessary.

Sienna is at Jason’s place today, going through his stuff and packing it up. As painful as it will be for me to be there, I couldn’t let her do it alone and insisted on coming to help. She was understandably hesitant, but agreed for me to come later, after she had some time there alone.

We never verbally ended our relationship, but it is over.

There’s no way we could continue, knowing we were responsible.

I often worried about losing them again. I just never thought I would lose them like this. This will be the first time seeing her since the funeral, and instead of the buzz of excitement I would usually get from the prospect of spending time with her, there’s a searing pain in my chest, as if I were flayed open and filled with fire ants.

To see the person you love, the person who brightens your soul and makes everything lighter, and know you can’t be together . . . it dulls your very existence.

Our texts have gone down to a barely-there number. Sienna is struggling, I know she is. She loved her brother, and sometimes, I think she may feel even more guilty than I do.

I think back to the text she sent me earlier, letting me know there was a little pool for Adi that Jason must have bought but hadn’t given to me yet. My lungs just about collapsed when I read it.

Focusing on Adi again, I tell him, “I’ll have a surprise for you next time you come, okay?” His face lights up with excitement, and a smile manages to fight its way through all the shit in my head.

But immediately, a heavy weight settles on me again when I think of the fact that Jason won’t get to see him enjoy it.

Fuck. I run a hand over my face. I need to shake myself out of this for my son.

The fact that Adi hasn’t been enough to completely erase these suffocating feelings brings another layer of guilt.

The grief counselor said that it’s normal. She said we may love our children with our whole heart, and be willing to do anything for them, but there are too many different aspects of life for them to be the sole carrier of our happiness.

In other words, it’s okay to be fucking sad, and we don’t have to feel guilty about it.

I talk to Adi for a bit longer and, despite the dark cloud hanging over me, I end up feeling a little better. There are still no messages from Sienna when I hang up with him, but I’m sure I’ll be getting something soon, seeing as it’s already after lunch.

Every time I’ve picked up my phone to text her and ask how she’s doing there today, I’ve stopped myself. She wanted to have some time there alone, and I think that includes not being disturbed by messages.

I try to stay busy around the house, but I’m never usually home during the day without Adi, so I’m not sure what to do with myself.

After fixing a few fence posts in the backyard, I end up sitting in front of the TV and put a movie on. I haven’t been sleeping well, so I feel pretty wrecked, and it’s not long before my eyes start to droop. I shake my head a little, trying to wake myself up, then I give in and send Sienna a text. She doesn’t respond, or even read it, so I make sure the sound on my phone is turned up and the vibration is on, then I set it on my stomach. That way, if I fall asleep, her text message will wake me up.

Settling further into the couch, I try to get lost in the movie.

I wake with a start, disoriented and groggy, and it takes me a minute to realize I fell asleep in front of the TV. I snatch my phone up when I realize it’s ringing and that’s what woke me.

Sienna.

“Hello.” There’s a muffling sound, and some background noise that I can’t make out. And then it’s quiet, like she may be covering the receiver. “Sienna?” There’s still no reply, and my concern ratchets up. “Sunflower, talk to me.” There is another stretch of silence, and then she hangs up.

I stare at my phone for a few seconds, my heart picking up speed, then call her back. It rings and rings, so I hang up and try again. After the fourth time trying, it starts going straight to voicemail.

“Shit.”

I pace my living room a few times, then notice the fading light around me and check the time. I somehow managed to sleep for four fucking hours. After typing a message to her, I grab my keys and race out the door.

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