Page 38 of I Need It

I was nervous as to how he would behave toward me when he got here. I had a feeling he was going to go off about something. Hopefully, he had time to calm down for the rest of his drive. I’d been under a lot of stress for the past month, and I didn’t want this to take me over the edge. I hadn’t written much since I found out I was pregnant, and that alone was stressing me out more. That would affect my check in two months.

I needed money now more than ever. My insurance wasn’t covering everything, so I had copays and a deductible I had to meet. I was already paying a little over five hundred dollars a month in medical, dental, and vision insurances. I usually averaged anywhere between four and five thousand dollars a month, but if I didn’t have a new release, that would drop significantly.

My daddy knew that something wasn’t right, but I couldn’t tell him that I was pregnant again. I was so embarrassed. Knowing that Christian didn’t want anything to do with me if I didn’t want the things he did, only made things worse. I wanted to hope that things would change between us with this pregnancy, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

I didn’t want to tell my dad until I talked to Christian first. His response would dictate my next move. Gliding my hand over my small pooch, I said aloud, “I’m sorry, baby. Your mom is an idiot. Hopefully I can get it together before you get here.”

I walked to the couch with a bag of chips and sat, grabbing the remote simultaneously. I turned on the TV and ended up watching Big Bang Theory. Something had to make me laugh. I had been keeping to myself for a while now. I swore my complexion had gotten lighter. As I watched Sheldon make a fool of himself, there was a light knock on the door.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My nerves were hopping all over my body, causing me to tremble with nervousness. I checked the peephole to see Christian standing there with a baseball cap on and a toothpick hanging from his mouth. Damn, he was so fucking fine.

Unlocking the door, I took one last deep breath then opened it. I stepped aside and allowed him to come inside. I didn’t greet him because I didn’t know where this shit was going. I wasn’t a fan of being hung up on either.

When I turned to him, he said, “I’m sorry for hanging up on you.”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into his embrace. I couldn’t help but close my eyes and breathe out a sigh of relief. I wrapped my arms around his waist and said softly, “I apologize too.”

He pulled away from me and led me to my couch, setting his bag on the floor before taking a seat. He pulled me to his lap, so I sat. When his hands slid to my stomach, I lowered my head.

“Mya.”

I lifted my head and stared into his eyes as he sat back, pulling me with him. “We have a lot to talk about.”

“I know.”

“So… I brought this cashier’s check back. I’m not a fan of repeating myself. I also brought back the cash you left. I told you not to do this shit again, and you did anyway. Did you send another check this month?”

I nodded. “Christian, I just?—”

He held his hand up, causing me to swallow what I was about to say. “I don’t do shit looking for something in return. I do them out of the kindness of my heart… the little bit of kindness it has left.”

He pulled the check from his pocket along with the cash and set it on the table. Then he pulled out his clip and peeled off twelve one-hundred-dollar bills. Who walked around with that much cash on them these days? After setting them on the table, I couldn’t help but feel better inside. That was over three thousand dollars he’d put there.

“You know how I feel about you. Just because I stopped our phone conversations doesn’t mean my feelings have changed. I don’t like being talked to like you tryna make a sell. I don’t like pushy salesmen. Whenever you called, sex would always be a part of the conversation. I know that was our dynamic before, but I asked you to stop doing that. When you left Nome, I told you I couldn’t do that shit. It was fucking with my feelings. You didn’t listen.”

I lowered my head like a scolded child. He was right. That was completely selfish of me. I wouldn’t compromise to give him what he wanted but was expecting him to compromise to give me what I wanted. I glanced up at him as he stared at me.

“Now, I know this shit seemed like déjà vu to you, but I’m not that nigga. I want you to know that regardless of our relationship status, I will be here for you and my baby. The only way I won’t be here for you is if you don’t want me to be. I asked if someone was here because I didn’t know if you were entertaining someone else. If you have someone else you’re spending time with, I’ll back off and only come around when you have an appointment. I’ll only call to see how things are going with the pregnancy.”

“I don’t have anyone else. If you need a paternity test to be sure, I don’t mind doing that. I know that I’ve been pretty open about how I got down. When you met me, I had just lost another man’s baby. I’m so stupid. Things are already hard. Why did I just make them harder on myself? It’s like I didn’t learn a got damn thing from last time.”

“I don’t need a paternity test, Mya… unless the baby come out looking like a gremlin. I don’t think you would fuck me over like that.”

When a slight smile formed on his lips, I hugged him, sliding my arms around his neck. I kissed his cheek then tried to stand to sit next to him. His dick was getting hard, and I didn’t want to be tempted to do or say the wrong thing.

He held me at my hips, keeping me from standing. “Where you going? I’m not done talking to you.”

“Sorry.”

“I need to know where we stand. I need to know what your thought process is like. I need to know all the shit you think I don’t need to know.”

He pulled me even closer and lifted my hand and kissed it. “After my mama died, I was in a sunken place. I had no one to talk to about the things that plagued me as a young lady and eventually a young woman. While I have the love of my father, I feel like I was searching for something more. I was naïve and gullible. I was used, hurt, and betrayed. My love was treated as if it didn’t matter… not once, but twice. I didn’t want to strike out so I quit playing the game.”

“You wasn’t gon’ strike out. They were the ones missing the pitches. That only means they weren’t good enough to accept what you were offering.”

I swore I stopped breathing. I stared at him for a moment. “I wish I would have saw it that way then. All I could see was that maybe I wasn’t fit for a relationship… that something was wrong with me. After the hurt wore off, my focus shifted. All men were ain’t shit niggas, and I would do them how they did me. This is where I’ve been for the past couple of years.”

I swiped the lone tear that fell down my cheek as Christian stared at me. “Now, I feel like I wouldn’t know how to receive love if it came along. I’m scared to death of being hurt. That’s why I’m so independent. I don’t want to have to depend on anyone, nor do I want them to be able to hold anything over my head.”

---