Page 24 of It's Never Not Been You

“For you,” he answered honestly. “Madison isn’t confused about how much she hates you, so I can’t see her letting a night of sex change the narrative for her. You, on the other hand, are probably already picking out wedding rings in your head. You’re probably already convincing yourself that last night had to mean something, when we both know that sex doesn’t mean shit.”

“Normally, I’d agree,” I hedged a bit. “However, sex with me and Madison is different than from most other relationships. You forget, I’ve never known anyone else, so sex between me and Madison means everything, Casp.”

“Which is precisely my point,” he replied. “You’re already thinking that it’s a step towards her forgiving you, and that might not be true. Madison could have just needed to get laid.”

Even though Caspian wasn’t necessarily lying, I didn’t like hearing it. “Madison isn’t like that.”

“No,” he agreed. “However, she is still hurt, lonely, angry, and confused. She could have just wanted it all to go away for a while, and nothing got people out of their heads better than sex, Raddix. C’mon, you know this.”

“Be that as it may, she spent all night with me, Casp,” I pointed out. “She could have gotten that from our first time together, but she stayed all night.”

“And did you have sex all night?” he asked. “Or did you guys actually talk?”

“We had sex all night,” I muttered begrudgingly.

“Meaning that she chose sex over conversation, Raddix. Now, why would she do that?” He didn’t let me answer. “Because she needed sex more than she needed to fix things with you. That sounds like someone that just needed to forget how lonely she was.”

I ran my free hand through my hair and down my face. I hated how reasonable he sounded. I hated that last night probably meant more to me than it’d had her. I hated how Madison could have been just using me last night when I’d been hoping for so much more.

“Which is why I’m going to House Marketing this morning,” I told him. “Madison doesn’t get to sneak out of our bed without an explanation.”

After a heartbeat of silence, Caspian asked, “Raddix, have you ever considered what you’re going to do if Madison really wants to move on?”

“No.” My answer was swift and easy. “I won’t allow that.”

“Sooner or later, that’s something that you might have to face, Rad.”

“No, it’s not,” I insisted stubbornly. “I will not lose Madison for good, Caspian. I know that people say it all the time, but I can’t live without her. This past year is proof enough of that.”

“I just think that…that sleeping with her is probably not the best move at this time,” he said, his voice softening, pity clear in his voice. “If she goes back to you, don’t you want it to be because she still loves you and not simply because she’s lonely and confused?”

“No,” I answered. “I’ll take her any fucking way that I can get her and keep her, Casp.”

“Which is another point, Raddix,” he shot back. “Sooner or later, she won’t be feeling lonely or confused anymore, and then what? When she realizes that she only went back to you because you manipulated her with sex, then what, Rad?”

“The last thing that Madison will ever fall victim to is manipulation,” I retorted. “The woman’s too smart for that.”

“Normally, I’d agree,” he replied. “However, we’re talking about someone that’s been in love with you since fucking high school, Raddix. Her own feelings will manipulate her enough without any extra help from you.”

I sat up straighter on the bed. “You’re supposed to be on my side, Caspian.”

“I am,” he swore. “Which is why I don’t want to see you fucking this up more than it already is.” He let out a heavy sigh. “Raddix, you broke her heart. I know you didn’t mean to, and I know that she’s your entire life, but push aside your guilt for one fucking second to see it from her point of view. On what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life, she overheard her worst nightmare. Hell, because she’s a woman, she probably has a copy of the damn clip and has been playing it over and over for the past year.” I closed my eyes as I let out a deep sigh of my own. “Women are fucking crazy like that, you know.”

“So, then what do you suggest?” I snapped, though Caspian knew me well enough not to take it personally. “Just let her be done with me?”

“No,” he replied quietly. “Of course, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then, what?”

“Just try to leave sex out of it if you can,” he advised. “I’m all for kidnapping and holding her against her will, but do it while she has a clear head. You don’t want her regretting going back to you, and I don’t care what some women might say, they are incapable of separating sex from their emotions. If they were, then they would use it as a punishment when they’re mad at us.”

“You’re an idiot.”

Despite it all, I let out a laugh. “Is that Lilibeth?”

“See? Now you got me in trouble,” he grumbled.

“No, your mouth and ignorant opinions of women did,” Lilibeth snorted. “Good morning, Raddix.”

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