Page 16 of Fearless Sinner

He was dangerous, too. Not mafia dangerous like I sensed from Cillian, although Nate knew mafia men. That’s how I was able to identify that Cillian and his men must be part of some mafia.

It’s the way they carry themselves. Like they own the world.

Cillian must obviously be part of the Irish mafia, but the other big guy looked Russian. He also had Bratva tattoos that identified him as having been in prison.

Nate was a different kind of danger, and I sense that my mother fell into the same trap I did. Because how would her new husband know mafia men if he wasn’t a bad man himself?

Or maybe I’m trying to make excuses.

Doesn’t misery love company?

I’ll admit that I don’t want to be the only fuck-up in the family. I can’t be the only Ricci woman to be fooled by a man who promised her the world. Right?

For me, it was just a job.

After Juilliard, I auditioned for the New York City Ballet and didn’t make it. That crushed me even though I was so good that the coordinator called me and told me to try again in a year’s time after I got more experience.

She’d explained that it was rare for them to take on a dancer straight out of college. I already knew that but thought I would be the one percent that they accepted. When it didn’t happen, it really jarred me. Then the only job I was able to get was with a small company, but it was a start.

And that’s how I met Nate.

We met after a show and had a one-night stand. I was surprised when he came back the next night to watch me and have me again.

We went on like that for weeks, then weeks turned to months. I was so in love with him I would have done anything.

After eight months he got a job in L.A. and I thought we were going to break up, but he wanted me to go with him.

He also knew how badly I wanted to dance for a big company, so he promised to arrange for me to meet people who could get me in.

Mom never liked Nate. She thought he was selling me down the river, and she spotted his controlling, possessive ways a mile away. She worried he would snap one day.

When Nate told me Mom was the controlling one and she was trying to stop us from being together, I believed him. That’s what I saw, too. I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t allow me to live my life and be with who I chose to be with. That was the fuel that fanned the flames of the disagreement that kept us apart for so many years.

I hated that Mom and I weren’t talking. And when I got to L.A. and Nate helped me to land a job with the Los Angeles Ballet, it was strange not seeing my mother in the audience on my first show.

But that was the least of my problems.

I grew in popularity very quickly. Within two months the company gave me more central parts in the new shows.

It was everything I wanted but Nate hated the attention I received.

He hated the way other men looked at me, and his jealousy and possessive nature reared their ugly head.

I was six months into the job when he beat me for the first time. He thought I was cheating on him with one of my dance partners.

I’d barely managed to get him to believe me when he did it again and again. That third time was the worst. I couldn’t go to work because he’d rearranged my face.

But nothing was as bad as when he threw me down the stairs after finding some guy hitting on me after the show. He blamed me because he claimed I was wearing revealing clothes. It was only my Swan Lake leotard and tutu.

Nate threw me down the stairs, then he made sure to fix the problem we were having by breaking my legs, so I’d never dance again.

I was in the hospital for weeks with that one, and now, although I can still dance, it’s not like before. So I can’t work for the type of dance company I dreamed of—small or big. My body can’t handle it.

The plan was to teach when I retired. I wanted to open a dance school, but I’d hoped to have years and years of experience under my belt by then.

I’ve just about managed to scrape two years in. The strongest thing I have on my resume is Juilliard, where I also did my teacher training. I also have my short claim to fame in L.A.

It’s not a lot in comparison to what most pros have, but it will get me a foot in the door. Even if I could get a part time position teaching at a school until I build my own dreams.

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