Page 90 of Penalty to the Heart

The suspension.

All of it, one shit show after another.

I stare at Nate, who also looks lost in his own thoughts.

“Why are you really here, Nate?”

“Because,” he grumbles with a shrug.

“You need to give me more than that, big guy.”

“Because you’re my friend. Fuck… you’re more than that. You’re my fucking family. And it took me seeing you punch Bellamy square in the face after our win to remember that.” He bows his head in shame. “True friends don’t leave you when shit gets rough. You can curse, wail, and push us away, but family sticks together. No matter what. We’ve all been so wallowed in our own sadness that I forgot you’re the one who has it worse than any of us. Sorry, it took me a hot minute to remember that.”

“I’m not sure what I should say,” I admit, touched by his words.

“That’s why I brought the beers. You don’t have to say anything. Just drink.”

The chuckle that leaves me has no amusement in it whatsoever, but I’m grateful for him to be here.

“Preston suspended me tonight,” I admit.

“I know.”

“You know? Fuck. Well, that was quick.”

“Don’t worry. It hasn’t made it into the media yet. I got the news from Piper. She’s over at our place with Lottie, trying to cool down so she doesn’t kill Trent for suspending you. When I left, she was on the phone with Lawrence, giving him a good piece of her mind, too.”

Guilt presses on my chest, knowing that Piper is still fighting for me, even after I turned my back on her and fired her.

“I really fucked things up, haven’t I?” I mumble despondently.

“Yeah. You did,” Nate states as a matter of fact. “But the better question is, what are you going to do about it?”

“I don’t know,” I confess, my voice cracking in the end. “Things have just gotten so fucked up that I don’t think I’ll be able to fix half the shit I’ve done.”

“Look at me, Caleb,” he orders. “It’s never too late to change. And I can say that because I was in a boat similar to the one you are in now. I was a trainwreck last year, and I managed to pull my shit together. And so will you.”

“I’m not you, Nate. I… I don’t know who or what I am anymore.”

“Yes, you do. You’re a Donovan,” he says steadfastly, placing his hand on my shoulder. “You’re Caleb-fucking-Donovan. The best goalie the Guardians ever had. The best friend a guy could hope for. And the best brother anyone could have. That’s who you are.”

“I don’t feel like I’m any of those things anymore. I feel like a fucking loser. I’ve let everyone down. Everyone.”

“Not everyone.” He smiles at me. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“But why? Why are you here, Nate?”

“Because I believe in you. And though it may not seem like it, after everything that went down today, I’m not the only one.”

I stare into my friend’s eyes, astounded that after all the shit I pulled, he still believes in me.

Maybe it’s time I let go of all the shit that no longer serves me, like my anger, resentment, and petty rivalries, and finally grow up.

Perhaps it’s time that I start believing in myself, too.

Just like Jack always wanted.

I turn to Nate, my heart jackhammering in my chest.

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