Page 137 of Chaos

With a head shake, she abruptly withdraws her arm from my touch, creating a physical gap between us. She has no idea how much that space is silently destroying me. With every day that passes without her, wrapped in my own guilt, I’m slowly dying.

She applies pressure to the wound and I feel sick. “You think a little cut hurts me? When you’ve already destroyed me? This is nothing in comparison, Jax.”

I open my mouth to speak and nothing follows. She’s right. That is exactly how I feel. Numb every second of the day.

I can’t let her feel anything like I do.

“Let me take you home?” I offer, I need to make sure she’s safe. She looks up at me through bloodshot eyes, studying me as her cries have subsided. I can sense her debating what to do, as her face softens, it’s like I can breathe again.

She rummages through her bag and tosses her keys at me, storming off towards her Range Rover.

She stares blankly out of the passenger window all the way home. As we pull up into the driveway, she sighs.

“At least you seem to be doing better,” she says, turning to face me.

I let out a laugh.

Doing better? I’m the furthest I could possibly be from okay. I don’t need to burden her with my real thoughts. So I nod, getting out of the car and leading her inside.

Lara eyes us both suspiciously as we walk in. A frown forms when she sees Sofia’s red face.

I keep my distance as Lara wraps an arm around a crying Sofia and walks her to the kitchen.

It isn’t until Lara’s sharp nails dig into my shoulder I’m back to reality.

“Look after her, Jax,” she says to me quietly in Russian.

“I will.”

Or at least, I can try. If she will even let me.

The door closes behind me and I slowly approach Sofia.

She doesn’t look up as she pours herself a fresh glass of wine. That need to protect her is still in me, it will never go away. Even if it’s me I have to protect her from.

“You can go, Jax,” she sniffles, turning her attention back to her drink.

I come to a stop on the other side of the counter.

“I just want to make sure you’re okay, Sof. You’re hurt.” I gesture at the drying blood on her arm.

She nods, brushing her fingers over the cut. The silence feels like a heavy weight, suffocating me.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I don’t know what else to say. I wish I had answers, or even knew what I was doing that night. But I don’t.”

I spend my nights trying to remember, something, anything. Why did I do it? How did I end up in that bed? It doesn’t make any sense. I love this woman. Why did I fuck this up so badly?

“You can stay in the spare room if you want. At least you can see Maeve in the morning. I have some errands to run anyway.”

I scratch the back of my neck. We could have been spending our weekends on trips as a family. As I remember what I’ve lost, my fists clench. That was the life I wanted. That was the lifeline that rescued me from the darkest corners of my mind.

“Do you think I’ll ever be able to fix this?”

As she lowers her head, my hands begin to shake. My last bit of hope in this life is that maybe, she might forgive me. That I can get my family back.

“I don’t think you can, Jax. Not while you’re like this. The drinking, the fighting, the women. If that’s the life you want, there isn’t room for me, is there?”

My heart sinks.

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