Page 138 of Chaos

“That isn’t what I want. That means nothing to me. I just don’t know how to make this better.”

This is the closest to the truth I’ve ever spoken. She rises and gives me a smile filled with sadness as she washes out her glass.

All I can see is her pity. Poor pathetic Jax.

She takes her time, drying the clean flute before putting it carefully into the cupboard. When she finally turns to me, she keeps the counter between us. “I can’t fix you. Only you can do that. You need to fight. That’s what you do best, isn’t it, Jax?”

All my fight has gone. I know I can never be the man she and Maeve deserve. All I’ll do is fuck them up. They’re better off without me. She’s right, she can’t fix me. No one can.

I can’t keep doing this to them. I refuse to be a burden on them any longer.

Fighting to keep breaking the ones I love is no longer an option. The only way they can be happy is without me.

SIXTY-FIVE

SOFIA

Song- Distraction, Sleep Token.

“Dada” Maeve cries, holding up her arms as I lift her out of her crib.

“Dada is here, we can go wake him up.” I tell her, but her wails get louder.

Resting Maeve on my hip, I knock on Jax’s door. I really need to apologize to him. I can’t believe I smashed up his car. I shouldn’t have said all of those things to him. It made it impossible to sleep thinking about how hurt he looked when I told him he doesn’t have a chance to fix it.

I didn’t mean it.

I can’t live without him.

When he doesn’t respond to my second knock, I cautiously open the door and take a peek inside. The bed is pristine, showing no indication that anyone has slept in it.

I want to make this right.

I was wrong, we can fix this.

Maeve pulls at my hair, still shouting for her daddy.

“Ok, baby. Let's get you changed. Then we can call daddy, see if he can come back home? How does that sound?”

Her toothy grin lights up her face, and I can’t resist running my fingers over her silky smooth cheek.

After a quick diaper swap, Maeve is in her highchair with her bottle. I call Jax and he doesn’t pick up. Did he even stay here?

I’m worried about him. Each time I see him, the more lost he seems. That happy Jax isn’t there anymore. It’s like I’m watching him fall apart.

Something inside tells me that he’s not right. None of this is. I can’t ignore it anymore. I’m starting to even doubt what happened that night. The fact he can’t remember doesn’t sit right with me.

He needs to know what I think, he needs to know I still love him. I never stopped, I never will.

I frown, typing out a text to him. Before I can hit send, Maeve erupts into a fit of giggles and throws her bottle across the floor. It sends milk flying everywhere as it hits the ground.

“Maeve!”

She’s covered and looking thrilled with herself.

Plucking her back up, I take her upstairs, flick on the lights in her room and sit her with her toys as I rummage for another outfit for her. Closing the drawer, a folded white piece of paper catches my eye.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I pick it up. On the front, in Jax’s writing, it’s addressed to Maeve.

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