Page 27 of Alarm Fatigue

“That was really fun, wasn’t it? I am really happy we did this. Even if I suspect I will be finding dried clay everywhere on me for a while.”

She laughs. “When you suggested we go out I thought you were going to suggest axe throwing or something.”

“Axe throwing sounds amazing actually, where and when can we do that?”

“I will look up some places and text you. Maybe Kim and Lila will be up to joining us once they get over their jet lag.”

“That is a wonderful idea.” I give her a hug goodbye and head home.

Once I let myself in my place, I pull out a journal and set about making myself a wish list of things I want to see and experience. It did not occur to me that I needed to make this list before, but funnily enough, once I start listing things, I cannot seem to stop. Each new idea seems to lead to the next and by the time I am done, my list has grown into several lists: a list for travel, a list for physical challenges, a list of meals I want to learn to cook and a list of more hobbies to try. I then make a mark beside each thing to indicate those activities I want to experience with others and I make a different mark next to the things I want to experience on my own.

My heart if full with gratitude for the plans I now have for continuing to grow and expand my life. I do not have to go backwards and watch other people pretend to live, I can go out and do it myself. It has taken nearly fifty years on the planet for me to figure this out.

“Better late than never.” I say sagely to Minerva and Sirius who are blinking up at me.

Getting ready for bed, I do wonder how Mark is, since I do, in fact care for him. It has only been a little while but I am surprised that I have not heard anything more from him. Maybe he is giving me space? Maybe he was just drunk and then he was sorry and the rest of it is just a reflection of my complicated feelings. I need to remember that all of my feelings, especially since I did not really share any of them with him, may not even have been a blip on his radar. At the same time, I am surprised at his plans to move away. Why does he need to leave town? Most likely, it has nothing to do with me. This move of his must have been something that was in the works before he and I went out for that fateful cup of coffee.

I look over at my lists which I have taped up to my closet door.

Without feeling self-pity about it, I do not mind admitting that I would have room in my heart and my life for him, if he was interested in me. I could live out my life and have love in it as well. Even with the understanding that he is not interested, I feel blessed that I am able to admit to myself how I feel without it stinging too much.

Whatever else comes out of this drama that has been my life recently, I am not sorry about what has transpired. Especially what happened at the party. If I am honest, it was as if one of my romance movies came off the screen and into my own life. Sure it scared the hell out of me, but I do not mind admitting now that I kind of needed the jolt out of nearly a decade of self-indulgence. Of course if this was a movie, fans of the genre would be disappointed that this particular film was without the happily-ever-after, but still. What happened at the party was pretty hot anyway. Currently, I do not have any regrets.

Exhausted and sore from throwing clay and running for the first time in ages, I curl up in bed and both cats jump up and join me. I feel myself passing out into what I hope is a dreamless sleep before either of them has even figured out what position or place they are sleeping in. As I lose myself to inevitable unconsciousness I realize I am doing so with a smile on my face.

Chapter 20

After my week of relaxation and renewal I am more than ready to return to work. Never one to sit still for too long or take much time off, I just cannot abide not being productive. This has been a fun week and I laugh to myself thinking about the axe throwing. Hannah and I did figure out a way to work this into our week and Amalie actually joined us. But being away from work too long leaves me feeling edgy. Having been poor enough in my childhood to know what it is like to be hungry while trying to sleep or study, I feel a certain compulsion to be employed. Besides, the hospital is busy, distracting and everything I need. Especially since I swapped all my shifts to working with anyone but Mark. Getting out of myself and into helping someone else is probably some of the best medicine for a bruised heart.

I walk into the office prepared to meet a group for sign out but there is only one other person there. I freeze in the doorway. Leaning against the counter, apparently awaiting my arrival, is none other than Dr. Mark Levy.

“Rachel.”

I take a breath. “Mark.”

“How are you?” Now you want to know? “When you did not call me back, I figured you were either angry at me or needed space. Or both. But I have thought of you and wondered how you are.”

Not touching that with a ten-foot pole. “You are not supposed to be here.” I am not sure what I want to accomplish with that statement. I mean what is he going to do, say, ‘oh you are right’ and suddenly evaporate?

He raises his brows at that. “I swapped shifts—I was away and needed to make up the time.” He pauses and looks pensive. “I hope you are not too disappointed to see me.”

I honestly do not know what to say to that so I say nothing. I cannot even imagine what my face is doing. After a moment he sits down and looks me in the eye.

“You came to my house, but then you didn’t come in.” His look is unreadable to me. Whatever he is thinking it feels intense, but again I am not sure if I am reading his face or my own jumbled feelings. Mind reading has done me no favors in my recent adventures so I decide to take the plunge.

“The young lady at the door surprised me and as it turned out I did not have anything to say to you after all.” I inwardly cringe at the emphasis on young as it felt righteous until it was out of my mouth. The words coming out of my mouth sounded more like I was jealous and cannot accept my own age, which, to be fair, may at least be partly true.

“My cousin, Tova.”

“Your cousin?”

“My cousin.”

“Oh.” Oh my giddy aunt.

Mark seems to be reading my transparent expression because he emphasizes it for a third time.

“Tova, my cousin, was visiting from overseas. She does not speak much English and was afraid she scared you off. I had told Tova all about you but she couldn’t remember your name to try to explain herself. Let’s go over the list and we can talk more about it at lunch.”

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