Page 26 of Alarm Fatigue

Lost in my thoughts, I am startled to hear my ringtone and look down to see Amalie is calling.

“Hey Ami, how are you?”

“I’m okay. How are you, Ray?” Pausing briefly, it occurs to me that maybe I am ready to talk about this.

“Thank you for letting me avoid this subject up until now. So how am I, really?” I reflect for a moment, taking stock. “The truth is my heart feels raw and my brain is fogged. This should not be such a big deal, but it sure feels like one.”

“Rachel, it has only been a short time since everything that happened. I mean this in the most loving way, but, knowing that you have trouble with reality and relationships, especially with men, you have to cut yourself some slack. All the slack. You come by your quirks honestly. You know this.”

I smile at her choice of words. Amalie has been careful never to label what I see as faults in my character as anything more negative than a quirk.

“Well, I will give myself a break on one thing and that is I can see now that I am not completely delusional. After a bit of space, it is clearer to me than ever that there was something there between Mark and me. It just may not have been as substantial to him as it was to me.”

“Rachel, loving the idea of being in love is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Speaking of letting people off the hook. Ami, I’m not suggesting that you should feel bad about what has happened at all but I need to say that you and the girls should not feel responsible. I mean, at first it felt that the worst thing that could have happened was that I had put myself out there and got hurt.” Trampled, really, as it had to be a woman who appears to be half my age, but I can leave that part unsaid. “In reality however, that is not the worst thing that could have happened. You all put me back out into the world and the truth is that this has all been pretty amazing, for the most part. All these experiences enabled me to see the world in a way that had been missing from my life for a while.”

“Rachel, of course we all felt wretched about how this all played out, at first. But we have talked about it and you’re correct—we all knew from the beginning getting you to go out on some dates was a risk but we are so happy that you are expanding your life that we feel it was worth it in the end—as long as you do not close back into yourself.”

“Surprisingly, I do feel that getting out and really experiencing meeting new people was worth the risks I took along the way. Well, maybe not Jacob, I could have lived my life without having met him.” We both laugh. “Still, I cannot help but feel thankful that I know I love life and living it again.”

“Rachel, I am glad you were able to talk about this with me. I missed our real talks.”

“Me too. Thank you for giving me space. And thank you for all of it—including getting me to agree to this ridiculous scheme of yours.”

“You are most welcome.”

“You want to meet up this week?”

“Absolutely, let me check my schedule and text you some possibilities.”

“I love you, Ami.”

“I love you, Rachel.”

After that chat I feel my energy rise and decide I am up to going out for a run. It has been a while, so I know it will hurt, but in the best kind of way.

As I am running I contemplate on how there is more resilience and passion in me than I could have ever imagined. While I was just sitting at home, watching actors pretend to live their lives, it ceased occurring to me to try and live mine. Choosing to keep my world regulated and small was actually the easier path but living out here in the world again, allowing myself to be honest and open even if it means I could experience pain, this is all a part of really embracing life again. Shockingly, it seems worth it, even after everything with the young girlfriend, or whoever she was.

That being said, I am not sure that I want to experience any more of that dating business. Let’s face it, it was intriguing, but I think that I need a break for a while. Instead, I decide to look for ways to keep myself out in the world without all the romance aspect of it.

When I get back from my run my body feels brutalized but it also feels fantastic. I mean, at my age, restarting a habit like running is no small thing. I do not bounce back the way I used to. Everything hurts right now but in a needed-to-happen way. After saying a prayer of thanks for having the use of my body, I pull out my phone while I am cooling down and call Hannah.

“Hi, Eema.”

“Hannah, my love, I have an idea that you can help with, but only if you want to. I was thinking that I do not want to date anyone but I still want to go out. What do you think about taking a class together?”

“Oh my gosh, I love this.” We both search on line and settle on a pottery class that starts tonight.

After hitting the shower and dressing in clothing I do not mind getting covered in clay, I head out to meet her. I pull into a parking lot where Hannah is waiting with a smile.

“Thanks for doing this, sweetie.”

“Are you kidding? This is exciting! I have always wanted to try this.”

As we walk together into Kiln Me Softly Studio, the first thing I notice is the earthy scent in the air. A young man who appears he would be incredibly comfortable at a renaissance fair greets us and guides us to the room where we will be working. Our classmates are all ages and every type of personality. The instructor leads us to a closet and we each select an apron. We get to work and I become totally lost in the process of playing with clay and getting my hands dirty while trying different ways to shape it. Tonight we are learning basic techniques without actually making something specific and the freedom that this gives me is invigorating. The hour-long class flies by. As we are cleaning up it occurs to me how much I will look forward to spending this time with Hannah.

“That was amazing Eema, I loved it.” Her hair is still pulled back into a small bun and her cheeks are flushed and she looks so happy it makes my heart flutter a bit.

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