Page 34 of King of Players

“I’m telling you: I’m uncomfortable,” I insisted. “None of this feels like me.”

“Nobody said that change is easy, or that it doesn’t hurt. Look at it this way; wouldn’t you rather go through this now, while you’re still young and single? Just picture how much worse it would’ve been if you were married. Or if you had met Chad a year ago, when you were the primary caretaker of your grandmother?”

“Now you’re talking cosmic chance?”

“I’m talking possibility.” He leaned forward, his eyes still piercing through mine. “You’re a free woman, and as you evolve and grow out of one phase and into the other… who’s to say that this is a bad thing?”

“My moral compass!”

“Is he married?”

“No.”

“Committed in any way?”

“Not that I know of.”

“Is he… socio-economically inferior?”

“C’mon, Marvin. I don’t care about that.”

“But it does matter. So, is he?”

“No. He’s wealthier than my entire family.”

“Is he… ugly? Rude? Got a gambling problem?”

“No, no, and I don’t think so. I—I don’t know. I don’t know him that well. He certainly has a playboy reputation.”

“And you’re not looking for something serious, are you?”

“Of course not.”

“Then who are you harming? You’re both adults. You’re into each other. And clearly, you have a good time together.”

“Yes, but—”

“Remember the little voices we talked about when we discussed guilt?” He suddenly asked. “Years ago?”

“Yes.”

“Now’s the time to revisit that exercise. How about we try a little experiment? How about you try to let go of your grandmother’s voice in your head that keeps demonizing every self-indulgence and just enjoy new things? As long as they’re not harmful or dangerous.”

“How do I know that he’s not?”

“Well, does he have a criminal record?”

I smiled. “Very funny.”

“Dangerous, how?”

“What if… I’m not…” My hesitation to say the word stood as testament to how truly afraid I was of the prospect. “Marvin, my system is wired in a way that the men I get intimate with are, by definition, men I’m in love with. This experiment of yours may work for others, but for me? What if I start to fool myself into believing that something’s real here? It’s not like that at all.”

“Insightful. I’m proud of you.” Sitting back, he picked up his notepad and pen. “Then it’s time we started working on mindfulness and awareness exercises, shall we?”

Knowing that there was no other quick fix to soothe my anxiety, I nodded in resignation.

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