Page 137 of A Sky Full Of Stars

I’m spiraling again, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get my shit together. I’m losing things, I’m forgetting things, I’m stumbling through easy conversations because my mind is constantly stuck in the past. And I’m feeling emotions I haven’t felt in years. The only time I seem to be functioning is when I’m with Josh. If I’m looking after him, I’m able to focus on the job, and all else fades away.

I’m happy again.

It makes me wonder if I was ever truly happy while I was away, or if I’d just become so talented in the art of convincing everyone I’d moved on, I even convinced myself. Because I am struggling.

Especially tonight.

“You know I’d never push you, but Ben said the rehearsal went well,” Shauna says into the phone, putting my mind at ease after I once again ask to be kept off the dancing roster for the weekend.

I started back at the speakeasy the same week I started nannying for Josh, and while I’ve progressed from bar work to also working the dance floor, I haven’t been able to stepinto that spotlight, further confirming that I’m not as okay as I thought I was.

“The rehearsal did go well.” I confirm. “And Ben has been an angel. I just don’t feel stage ready.”

“Do you want more rehearsal time? Is it that?” Shauna asks, trying to help.

“No, the performance is flawless; Ben is perfection. It’s all me.”It’s always been purely about me.

“There’s no rush,” she reassures me. “And if you decide you never want to do it, that’s okay too.”

She’s saying all the right things, but it doesn’t help my inner spiral. I asked for this. I contacted her again and asked for my job back. Iwanteda dancing position, and now I can’tdance. Shauna has every right to tell me to get on the stage or get out, but she’s not doing that, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. “Please don’t let this set you back,” she adds when I fall silent. “You’ll get there.”

When I hang up and get ready for bed, I’m mentally exhausted. Despite knowing sleep is likely to fail me, I still go through the motions, and I’m just slipping under the covers when my phone rings again and Jace’s name lights up the screen, instantly relaxing me.

“I swear it’s like you have some kind of built-in Lainey-is-in-trouble radar,” I say, giggling to myself.

“You’re in trouble?” Jace’s voice rises with his panic, and though I should feel bad for worrying him, it makes me feel better. It’s been over a month since we last spoke, and I hate that the time between our little chats is getting longer, but I get that he’s busy. We both are.

“I’m not in trouble in the way you’re thinking,” I say quickly to ease his mind, and the breath he releases is so thickthat it wraps around my heart. “I’m sorry. I’ve just had a rough couple of weeks.”

It’s been years since “photogate” happened, but it still haunts Jace. Sometimes I think it affected him more than it affected me. He was under the impression that we told each other everything, so when I droppedthatbomb, he felt like he’d failed me. Like he hadn’t been there when I needed him the most, when in reality, he was there for me more than he understands.

He tried to come and see me when he first found out, but I wouldn’t tell him where I was. I didn’t need the panic or the sympathy; I needed to remain strong. I’d put myself in that position, and I wouldn’t let anyone tell me otherwise.

“What’s been going on? You texted to say you had a new job. Is that it?”

“No, the job’s great. I love Josh and—”

“Shit. You saw Thomas,” he says suddenly, cutting me off.

“How do you know?”

“I’d love to sayI know all, but his name just came up on the TV in the break room, and the image accompanying it shows him in a Storm jersey.”

He sounds confused and I can’t help but laugh. “It’s nice to know I’m not the only one that missed the news.”

“When did that happen?”

“A while ago, apparently.”

Jace sighs. “So you saw him?”

“I did, and I miss him so much.” The admission slips easily from my lips, and it doesn’t shock me—because while I’ve been trying not to admit it, it’s the truth. I never stopped caring, and I never stopped hoping I’d see him again. My feelingsneverwent away. They never even weakened. But that’s not the point. Because while I may have been in love with Thomas for thebetter part of my life, I’m also hurt, and it’s not so easy to move on.

I fill Jace in on everything happening in my life, and it’s late by the time we finish talking. Like always, he kept his “I’m team Lainey” promise, but I know he was holding back.

When I’d told him about Thomas’s reasons for ending things all those years ago, Jace had seen him in a new light. He hated the fact that I was hurting, but he admired Thomas for what he’d done, and agreed that I needed to leave Heartwood. Leave America.This time, when I explained that I thought Thomas held off contacting me because he was keeping up his end of the deal, and then told him that Luke knew, Jace stayed quiet, and I’m sure that means his admiration hadn’t changed.

After letting out a sigh, I pull up the covers just as a light flows through the gap between the curtains, bathing me in a soft glow. I ignore it at first, making myself comfortable before closing my eyes, but when the side gate creaks, my hackles rise.

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