Page 46 of Loved By You

“No, let me get it… please.” I brush past him, but he takes hold of my arm and pulls me into him.

“Look at me.” His tone is pleading.

I don't. Instead, I stare down at my bare feet that are sinking into the dark plush rug in his office.

“Maria, look at me.” His words are firmer.

I slowly raise my head to meet his gaze, preparing myself for him to be mad, but his eyes are soft and full of understanding. He reaches out to hold my face in his palms and I sink into his warm touch.

“I know you’re feeling guilty and blaming yourself, but you deserve to take a moment for yourself, Ri. That doesn't make you a bad mom. Please don't regret what happened here, because I don't, not a second of it.”

I don't say anything, but I rise up onto my tiptoes and place a soft kiss on his lips, and then I whisper, “I'll call you later.” I pull out of his touch and it kills me. Jack deserves better, deserves more than I can give him. I want nothing more than to stay here with him, to have him hold me and reassure me that everything is okay, and maybe explore what went on last night and continue further, but I have to leave.

I race to Anne and Steve’s, dash from the car, and for the first time in ages, use my door key, relieved when I hear faint voices.

I find them sitting around the kitchen table having what looks like a late breakfast. Lexi is showing Steve how to make a pancake sandwich and Anne is feeding Elle some porridge. Both girls are smiling and look happy, and a smidge of the mom guilt leaves my body.

“Morning, Ri. Busy night at work?” Steve says, looking at my work uniform that I’m still wearing and it's looking creased as hell.

Oh shit.

“Uh, yeah, busy busy. I crashed out in my clothes and headed straight here when I woke and saw Anne’s message. I'm so sorry I didn't see it earlier. How are you are you, baby girl?” I walk over to Elle in her highchair, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head.

“She's fine, love. Been a bit fussy in the night and running a low-grade fever, but she's okay. Just keep an eye on her today.”

I smile at Anne, giving her a little nod in appreciation.

“You work too hard, my girl, pull up a chair and get some food in you. Steve, get the girl a coffee,” she demands in her bossy tone.

“On it, love,” he says, edging out of his seat and shuffling over to the coffee machine.

Lexi has been so busy eating her pancake sandwich and watching her iPad she hasn't even acknowledged me. I sit in the chair beside her. “Morning, Lexi girl, I missed you.” I give her a kiss.

She turns to look at me, her face full of Nutella, and gives me the biggest grin. “Hi, Mommy. I missed you too. Grandma made pancakes, and I made them just like Jack showed me!”

And suddenly my heart is full and the last bit of mom guilt leaves my body, for now anyway.

We spent the rest of the morning with Anne and Steve. I was told to go have a bubble bath and relax. Is it weird that I hang out with my ex’s parents and bathe in their home? Probably to most people, yes, but Anne and Steve are the most amazing people I have ever met and I couldn't do life without them.

Drying off with a soft towel, I grab my work bag and change into my spare clothes I keep in there, when I catch Jack's scent. Damn, I need to text him.

Ria

I don't regret last night. I just need time x

We make it home mid-afternoon and have a quiet day. Sofa snuggles, building Lego, watchingMickey Mouse Clubhouseon repeat, and eating all our favorite snacks. It was the quiet afternoon I needed.

When bedtime finally rolls around, Lexi requests a disco bath where I put glow sticks in the tub and turn on the bubble machine, blasting our favorite songs from my phone.

“Mommy, look.” Lexi giggles, lifting the bubbles in between her little hands and blowing them over Elle, who’s sitting in her little bath chair. When they land on her, she kicks her chubby little legs and waves her arms around, sending water splashing everywhere, including over me.

“Girls, girls,” I squeal, trying to shield myself with a towel. Seeing them happy and carefree makes my heart feel full. This is all I've ever wanted for them. There are very few memories I have of my childhood that are full of fun and laughter. Most of mine are of me being alone, or my mum drinking, or her bringing another random man to the house and being sent to my room with a can of Diet Coke and a bag of Cheetos.

I want to go back and hug younger Ria, just to tell her she will be okay and that in a few short years, she will meet girls who become her family and life will be so different. Raising my own girls is healing my inner child in ways I can't even describe. They will have the childhood I never got, even if I have to sacrifice all my personal wants, because ultimately my biggest want is their happiness.

I dry them off and get them into their matching white with pink heart covered pjs. They won't fit them for much longer and I’m sure Lexi won't let me match her with her baby sister forever, so I will make the most of it while I can.

“Who wants a sleepover in Mommy’s bed?” I ask.

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