Page 75 of Heartless

I contacted my attorney the other day and asked him to draw up divorce papers. But I told him to hold off on serving them.

It’s been two weeks since I’ve left home. I’ve been staying in a rental waterfront home on Kiawah Island. It’s the last place anyone might think to look for me but still close enough to my family if needed.

I walk out onto the front porch and grip the railing. A breeze flows over me and calms my nerves. I close my eyes and inhale deeply.

The saltwater on the breeze washes over me and fills my lungs to overflowing. The beauty of the landscape is lost on me as all I can see is pain, loss, and grayness all around me.

How the hell can I move forward when I have nothing? Yes, I have a little over one hundred grand in my savings account and ten grand in my checking, but I don’t have my family, my husband, or my best friend.

Daddy might be happy about me leaving Onyx, but Mama won’t buy whatever excuse I drum up. She knows how deeply I love him, and any excuse in the world won’t fly.

I don’t want to tell them he cheated. A part of that sounds as if I failed in my marriage, and the other part sounds like he’s exactly who my daddy feared he might be.

Worse yet, if I told my parents what happened, they would never understand if I returned to my husband someday.

I ask myself every day how I could ever go back. Yet, the reality is that I miss Onyx. I miss being married to him, and the way things were before the assault. I miss how he flirted with me, lifted me, and protected me.

I don’t miss just being somebody’s wife.

I miss being Onyx’s wife.

I step off the porch and head towards the water. Removing my sandals, I stick my toe into the water and twirl it around. The water muddies with the sand that mixes in.

I stare out at the horizon and feel as if it’s calling me. It’s beautiful out there. How easy it would be to step into the water and yield to its call.

All my cares, my disappointments, my hurt, and my confusion would be washed away. Conception failure, marital woes, threats against my family; all of that would be a distant memory.

The thought of not hurting any longer, not thinking about troubles, and just existing is appealing.

I’m not about to do anything stupid. I just want to go into the water deep enough to cleanse myself mentally and emotionally, and then I’ll come out again.

I take another step into the water and slowly continue. I imagine that with every step another weight falls from my body and that my mental space frees up a bit more.

“Hello,” I hear a husky female voice call out.

I turn and see a woman roughly in her late fifties walking in my direction. She’s smiling, and she has a scarf wrapped around her long, blonde hair.

I’m not in the mood for company, but she looks determined to join me.

I turn my back on her and continue walking, but she’s quick and agile. She’s standing by my side knee-deep in the water when she turns a friendly smile on me.

“It’s nice out here, isn’t it?”

I don’t say anything. I just keep staring off into the distance. The sun is about to set, and the orange hue of the sky gives off an eerie glow.

“Yes, this is my favorite time of day to come out and watch the sunset. The water is a little chillier this time of evening than normal, but it’s beautiful.”

The woman keeps talking as if this is something she does every day. I glance at her when she says, “Yep, my absolute favorite thing to do. Stand in the ocean and watch the sunset. It gives off brilliant hues of red and gold. I imagine that I am one with the sun.”

She lifts her arms up towards the evening sky, tilts her head back, closes her eyes, and smiles.

I look at her as if she’s lost her mind because, surely, she has. Either that, or she’s a figment of my imagination.

I blink rapidly a couple of times, and she turns to me and smiles.

“This ocean has swept many a lost soul away. Taken all their cares and concerns and washed them off to sea. But just as many souls as it has claimed, it’s left at least double that number behind in mourning, confusion, and eternally depressed.”

I blink at her again, wondering if she can see my heart.

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