Page 1 of The Expiration Date

1

It’s official.

This is the worst date ever.

I don’t know why or how Rachel convinced me to go on a date with this guy. I mean sure, he isn’t bad to look at, meaning he is extremely hot, but his personality is all wrong. We have absolutely nothing in common. He is a professional surfer. Californian born and bred. Total babe. It’s like looking at a Ken doll. Unfortunately, based on our conversation so far, it seems like college were the best years of his life. He hasn’t stopped talking about his frat boy days and all the fun he had hazing the incoming freshman. A real gem of a human being, this one. My face hurts from plastering on a smile for the past half hour and nodding as if I have any semblance of interest in what he’s talking about.

“So what about you? What do you do, Kaley?” he asks.

“Um, it’s Haley. I’m a writer,” I respond, a little annoyed that he messed up my name for the fourth time this evening.

His eyebrows shoot up and he nods. “Oh really, for like a newspaper? Or?”

“Um, well actually I should have said I’m an aspiring writer. A screenwriter actually. You know Nora Ephron?” By the blank look on his face and the slow nod he gives me, I can tell he has absolutely no idea who my idol is. Figures. “Well anyway, I would love to write movies like hers. You know Sleepless in Seattle, You’ve Got Mail, When Harry Met Sally?” Again, no indication of familiarity with any of these iconic films. Does this guy live under a rock? I clear my throat and add, “But, um, right now I’m working as a personal assistant for an actor.” This of course piques his interest. That little fun fact about me always piques everyone’s interest.

“Oh really? That’s gnarly. What actor?”

“Um, I can’t really disclose that information. You know. Privacy reasons.” This is when my life becomes less interesting to people. I dangle the bait in front of them and then I take it away almost immediately. But according to my contract, I cannot disclose who my employer is. Even though technically the whole world knows who he is.

He nods nonchalantly. Yeah, this date is going super well. Granted I haven’t been on a date in a few years, but I know when a date is sinking. This one is like the fricken Titanic.

“Oh hey, I see some of my bros from the beach over there. Excuse me. I’ll be right back.” He flashes his perfect smile my way before he heads to the opposite side of the restaurant.

I give him a half-hearted smile as he walks away, then pull out my phone from underneath my black cloth napkin and hurriedly text Rachel.

Why in the world did you set me up with this guy? He is a total dud, Rach.

Eric?? Um, because he’s hot and you need to get out and socialize with people. And did I mention he is hot?”

I roll my eyes and type back:

I will admit that he is hot but we have NOTHING in common. There is nothing of substance here.

Oh there is definitely substance there ;) I had a sneak peak the other day at the beach when I set this up for you.

Rachel!!

LOL. OMG Haley don’t be such a prude. You need this. You need to get over your asshole of an ex once and for all.

My heart twinges a little at that last line. Rachel knows me well enough now after three years of being roommates and coworkers. She knows about my past with men. Correction: one man. She’s right that I need to get out more, but it’s safer for my heart to stay at home. The fictional men I write about and read about will never break my heart.

Well, I am coming home soon. Remind me to never let you set me up on a date again. Don’t wait up for me. I’ll see you on set tomorrow morning. XO

Ugh fine. Your loss. XO

I hit the side button on my phone and watch my screen go black. You need this. You need to get over your asshole of an ex once and for all. I close my eyes tight and try to erase those words in the gray boxes in my conversation thread. Is it possible for words to echo off a screen? Is it possible for someone’s name to still haunt you after three years?

After telling Eric I have to leave (my roommate had an emergency apparently), I grab an Uber and head home. I have a busy day at work tomorrow and to be honest, there was nothing else to talk about with him. If I know anything about myself, it’s that I do not casually date. I don’t want to waste my time playing games or trying to figure out if it is going to last. Or thinking that it will last forever, only to be blindsided with a truth I never wanted to know or never saw coming.

The apartment is already dark when I close the door behind me. Rachel did leave the stove light on, and I glimpse a spoon on the counter covered with a Post It.

There’s Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer. I know you need it. XO-R

Smiling, I open the freezer and pull out the pint of chocolate chip cookie dough. As I take off the lid, the notification ring sounds on my phone. A Google alert.

BREAKING NEWS

HOLLYWOOD’S GOLDEN BOY GONE BAD: INEBRIATED AIDAN STONE HEADS OUT OF A DOWNTOWN L.A. CLUB WITH TWO WOMEN!

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