Page 58 of Off Sides

We’re quiet as we watch the battle on the ice, Austin doing his damnedest to keep the puck out of the crease, but the Vegas left winger manages to get the puck on his stick and fling it into the goal. The lamp lights up and we groan.

That’s that. We’re down six points with two minutes remaining.

This is not how I expected my senior year of hockey to go. When the season started, I was hoping to make it to the Frozen Four again. But I doubt we’ll even make it to finals.

When the final horn sounds, signaling the end of the game, everyone is depressed. It’s never easy to lose. It doesn’t matter how many games you play, how many times you walk away with an L, it feels personal every time.

We all skate out onto the ice to shake hands with the other team, saying shit like “Good game,” but what we all really want to do is duck into the locker room and not look at them.

I get to the Vegas captain and give him a smile. “Good job out there.”

He smiles back and pats my shoulder. “You too. You guys didn’t make it easy for us.”

I want to scoff but manage to keep it inside. I was a clown out there. A petulant child throwing a temper tantrum because things didn’t go my way.

I’m an embarrassment.

Coach gives us the ‘keep your chin up’ speech and we all get in the showers. Most of the guys are talking about going to find a bottle to sink into, a few are talking about strip clubs and puck bunnies. Riggs is trying to hang with the big boys tonight, the twenty-one-plus group, so I snag him on his way past me at my cubby.

“No.”

He opens those big puppy dog eyes at me like I just took his candy. “But, Cap…”

“If you want to drink, find a dumbass to sneak it into your hotel room like the rest of us had to do. If you get caught sneaking into a bar, Coach will have your ass.” I look at the crushed dreams in his eyes and fuck, he reminds me of Matty. Just a little, when he lets the walls down. “And you don’t have enough money to keep strippers interested. Find a bunny if you have to, but seriously, stay out of trouble. Vegas will eat you up and spit you out, and not in a fun way.”

He snorts and nods as he walks off, no longer striding around like a dickhead. I haven’t looked at my phone, but the blue light is blinking, telling me there’s something there. A message or twenty. Some crisis that I’m going to be blamed for not being there to fix. I’m sure the fact that it happened is my fault too.

I get my tie done, pull my shoes on, and slide into my jacket, only to be held up from leaving by Coach.

“Listen up, boys,” he growls and looks around at each and every one of us. “If you aren’t on that bus at seven sharp, I’m leaving your ass behind.”

The room erupts in groans of “Yes, Coach,” but he’s not done.

“And it better not smell like a brewery!”

There’s more grumbling but everyone acknowledges him, and we head out to the bus that will take us back to the hotel.

We all sit in basically the same seats every time, so I find mine and drop into it with a sigh. The notifications on my phone are burning a hole through me. I know I have to look at them. I know I will have to deal with whatever it is, but I’m so fucking tired of being the punching bag of my family.

“Your mom is going to need you when I’m gone.”

Dad’s scratchy words run through my head. It’s the only time I can still hear his voice. I don’t remember his laugh or stern ‘get your head out of your ass’ tone, only this one sentence from his deathbed. He died three days later.

It’s not fair. None of it.

That we lost him. That we had to watch him wither away. That I had to finish raising my siblings in his place. Everything from getting to school to heartbreaks to nightmares. I did it all. Mom kept a roof over our heads and food in the house, but she was checked out the rest of the time. I don’t remember the last time she went to a game or an open house at school. I did all of it. Char was always in the stands during home games and when Matt wasn’t getting into trouble, he was too.

They deserve better.

Tapping my phone screen to bring up the notifications, I sigh when I see Mom has called three times, Char has texted me five times, and Nick has texted me twice. Tears burn the back of my throat and I hate myself for wanting everyone to leave me alone.

“Yo, Cap!” Bryce calls from two rows ahead of me.

I give him a nod, telling him to continue.

“You coming out with us?” He motions to a few of the guys who are also looking back at me.

I shake my head and he sighs. I know he can tell something’s up with me and is trying to help by getting me out, but I don’t have the energy. All I want is to hide in my room with Nick wrapped around me. I want a hug. And cuddles.

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