Page 99 of The Darkest Parts of Me

I hold back a sob, looking down because it’s all too much.

He lifts my face to look back at him, stroking my cheek with his thumb. “I had never seen anything so beautiful. It was right then and there that I knew I loved you.”

I’m going to die. It’s too much. He’s making it so much harder, but I don’t want him to stop. If this is dying, then so be it.

“You were mesmerizing. So strong and brave. I wanted you so badly, and I can’t believe that you chose to love me back.”

I start to cry, unable to speak.

“Keep this,” he says, unzipping his coat to remove the necklace from around his neck, placing it over my head. I take the pendant in my hand, rubbing my thumb over the sun, moon, and star embossed into the metal. “Don’t forget how far you’ve come. Keep going.” I look up to him. “I’ll catch up to you soon,” he says with a wink.

I place my hand over the pendant now lying against my chest—lying against my heart. “I love you, Renn,” I say, and he inhales deeply.

“You are my sun, and even if I’m millions of miles away, my mind will always be centered around you.” His breath is unsteady. “I love you . . . more than anything.”

And I know that this is it, this is the last time I will hear his voice until he returns—if he returns. I pray he will. I wrap my arms around him, holding on to him as tightly as I can, and he squeezes me back just as hard. Clinging to each other like it’s our last breath. I feel him inhale in my scent, and I do the same, letting it engulf me wholly—the freshness of rain and dark woodiness of the forest. Then he pulls away and takes my face in his hands as his eyes roam over every feature.

He starts to cry, tears trickling down his face, and I can’t bear to look at him like this. I reach up to him just as he leans down for one last kiss. The tears on his cheeks mix with mine. He kisses me softly as I fade into him, and just when it feels like it’s too much, he rips himself away, quickly turns, and doesn’t look back, not once.

I let my arms fall slowly to my sides, watching him until he disappears inside the ship. The ship starts to hum, and I spot Nate in the window where he motions for me to stand back. I move until I’m several yards away, and then, gracefully, the ship rises from the ground, hovering for a moment. Then the great, birdlike wings start to unfold before it almost floats upwards. I watch as it reaches higher and higher, then, as if it is perfectly planned, the first rays of the sun erupt over the peaks, making it impossible to see anything as I look upwards. I try to shield my eyes, but once I am able to focus enough to search the sky, the ship is nowhere to be seen.

I close my eyes for a moment, the light reflecting off the snow making it unbearably bright and blinding. When I finally open my eyes again, there’s nothing besides the sound of my own breathing. The snow always makes everything so quiet and calm, I almost scream just to break the silence, but instead, I look up to the sky one last time and tell myself that whatever happens, I know he wants to come back.

If that’s all I’m left with, it was worth it all, just knowing that, in the end, he was mine and I was his—completely.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Maven

“Maven. You’re still sleeping as I record this, and I know my time is limited. Last night, before Nate left to stay at your place, he gave me a photon drive containing all my captain’s logs from the year I was on the Seraphim.

“These logs were mandatory for me to record, as it is for all captains in the SEA. They were required, not only to have records of our missions for historian documentation, but to hold us accountable for our actions as captains. Most importantly they are an outlet for self-reflection, stress management, and, as the association likes to word it, ‘a personal legacy’ for generations to come. If you put on the translator that I left behind for you, you will be able to watch and understand my words.

“Since I can’t be with you on Aetherium, I hope these logs help you to know that even if I’m on the other side of the galaxy, I’m still here with you. These should help you get to know the man I was, and who I became.

“I want to keep my promise to tell you everything, so in the meantime, I hope these will suffice until I come back to you.

“Just know that, wherever I am, I am always thinking of you. I love you. Always.”

When I walked into Renn’s bedroom after returning home, I saw the phone-shaped device lying on top of his bed, and thought he left something behind. But when I saw the note on top, I knew it was something else entirely.

“Maven, tap the screen three times,” it read, and I didn’t question following his written instructions. When his face appeared on the screen, it took everything in me not to burst into tears again, but when he started to speak, it broke me. I watched it over and over again.

After several minutes of tapping and navigating, I feel like I have a handle on how it works. I discover many files, each with a date and time listed in chronological order, and all I have to do is tap on whatever day I want to watch and it will appear on the screen.

I find the translator sitting on the nightstand and place it behind my ear. I start with day one, and when Renn’s face comes up on the screen, I smile at how young he looks. He still looks young now, but this was years ago. I can see the excitement in his beautiful green eyes as he starts to explain that the crew has successfully begun their three-year mission. His hair is shorter, and his face is clean shaven. It takes me a moment to adjust to the translator, but it actually works. I can understand everything he says perfectly. A couple of times, I have to pause and go back a few seconds, but I’m getting the hang of it.

“We’ve been preparing for this mission for months, and now that it’s actually happening, I couldn’t be more honored to be captain of this fine crew. I know we will do great things out in uncharted space. For many of the crew, this will be their first mission in deep space, and I can sense the elation throughout the ship. I share in their enthusiasm, but I know I must discipline myself and remind them that we all have sworn an oath, and that we must carry out our duties day in and out for this mission to be successful.

“Based on our calculations, we should be arriving in uncharted territory in a couple of weeks, and then from there, the true mission begins. It is my greatest hope that we will be successful in our quest into the unknown. Anton out.”

I spent a couple of days hiding out at Renn’s place, but I knew I would have to start explaining why Renn was no longer in Solitude Ridge. It took careful wording and delivery to explain where he had gone and why.

I landed on a simple, straightforward approach.

“Renn had an emergency with a distant relative far away.”

Not everyone was totally convinced right away, especially Tasha. She asked me question after question. She kept her eye on me, lovingly, and was wary that something else was going on. And I couldn’t blame her. It was odd, and there have been so many times I wanted to tell her the truth, but I worry she will officially confirm me as insane. So I decide to wait until Renn returns; we will figure out a way to tell her together.

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