Page 100 of The Darkest Parts of Me

“Has he called? Do you at least get to see him virtually?” she asked when I first told her Renn was gone.

“Of course I do,” I said. It technically wasn’t a lie. I still hear his voice and see his face every day. She just doesn’t know the context. And I stuck to that story even as the weeks went by, and eventually, she let it go.

It doesn’t take long to learn just how amazing Renn is as a captain. Not that I am surprised in the slightest. But hearing him explain his days on the Seraphim makes it seem much more real. He always speaks of members of the crew with respect and has a genuine care for their well-being. He takes his job seriously, but he knows when to have fun too.

I didn’t know what to expect from the other logs, and wondered if they would all be straightforward and professional like the first message, but I find that there is a variety based on what happened that day or just Renn’s mood in general. I can tell the days when he’s more relaxed, and times when he’s concerned about something. Sometimes, the log for the day is two minutes, sometimes an hour. And it’s exciting, feeling like I’m really there with him on his journey. On the days when they go weeks without coming upon a new planet, Renn talks more about himself and his thoughts. I come to understand why that self-reflection aspect is important. Those logs are my favorite because I get to see him a little undone from his professionalism as captain. But no matter what’s happening, they all begin the same way. He states the day of the mission, the date, and his name.

“Captain’s Log. Day seventy-seven. Earth date two-five, year twenty-two sixty-four. Captain Aldrenn Anton.

“Today would have been my mother’s fiftieth birthday. I can’t help but wonder if she has somehow been beside me all my life, or if, because I’m closer to the heavens—so to speak—I feel closer to her in retrospect. Maybe it’s just space travel playing with my mind, but I sometimes feel like she’s near, guiding me somehow. I wonder if that happens for some of us on these missions. Because everything around us is celestial, we feel some kind of connection to it deep in our souls. Maybe our souls themselves are celestial and that’s why we’re pulled to explore and learn more about this galaxy.”

Then there are some entries that actually make me laugh out loud.

“Captain’s Log. Day two hundred and eight. Earth date three-two, year twenty-two sixty-four. Captain Aldrenn Anton.

“It’s officially been sixty-two days since our last contact with an inhabitable planet. I can sense the cabin fever settling in more and more with the crew, but we are doing what we can to make life feel a little more grounded. Lieutenant Hayden suggested we start a three-on-three basketball tournament. We have the court in the exercise bay, but I worry with all the pent up energy, it may end in more fights than comradery, but he is adamant we try, so we will see what happens . . .”

“Captain’s Log. Day two hundred and nine. Earth date three-three, year twenty-two sixty-four. Caption Aldrenn Anton.

“Lieutenant Hayden punched Lieutenant Locke in the face during the first game. So no more basketball.”

I have no idea what basketball is, but obviously it’s sports related. I’m glad to hear Nate’s name whenever he’s brought up and am not surprised at all that whenever Colin is mentioned, it’s never a good thing.

There are countless experiences that I would consider near-death. Nate told me a few stories when he was here, but now, watching the logs, I see it was a pretty normal thing for them to experience. Renn, of course, always calmly explains the situation every time.

“A couple of officers were conducting routine inspections on the outside of the ship, and somehow, their tether disconnected. I assisted in the rescue.”

“The ship came close to a solar flare that came upon us unexpectedly, but the Engineering team assured me that the Seraphim is unharmed and functioning properly.”

I have a few favorites. One of them is a very short message, but it’s one of a handful of videos where Renn is strictly Renn. Not at all Captain Aldrenn Anton.

“I was due for my mental health check-in, and after speaking with the ship’s psychologist, Dr. Jacobs, she asked that I spend the next week doing three things for myself that are not related to my position as captain. She advised me that I need to remember to take care of myself first, and if I do that, I will be a better captain as a result. So here we go.

“Number one: I’m going to watch a favorite movie that I haven’t watched in years.

“Number two: I made a request with the mechanics team to include me on their next project, whether it be repairs or just routine checks on equipment and vehicles. I miss those days at the academy when I was working more with my hands.

“Number three: Lieutenant Hayden and I are going to watch an actual live sporting event. What we are going to watch, I don’t know, but we are going to make it happen.”

The last log is the hardest to watch—his last message as captain before everything fell apart. Even amidst all the heartbreak and betrayal, Renn is stoic and brave as he records it, and my heart aches for him. I want so badly to reach out and kiss him, tell him everything will be okay.

All of his entries confirm all the things I already knew about him—like his loyal, good heart. His bravery. It’s all been magnified by a hundred after hearing him talk through all his adventures. But I also learn so much, like his hope that he will someday see his family who have passed on again, or that he has an internal drive to constantly prove himself. But something I didn’t expect to find was his unconscious desire to find somewhere to call home, to find that place where he could be grounded.

He has an adventurous spirit—you’d have to in order to want to travel into the unknown—but with Renn, it is like he was looking for something else out there in the galaxy. My mind flashes back to our last night together, when we lay beside each other in the firelight.

“Even back then, I think I always knew that this was where I truly belonged. I think I was searching for this place before I even knew it. I will make things right, and then I’m coming back to you. I promise.”

It’s all true. He was right.

All along, the universe was leading him home, leading him to me.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Maven

FOURTEEN MONTHS LATER

Bright pink hues paint the sky. It snowed again last night, leaving the ground under a new frost-covered blanket. It’s mornings like these that make me miss him more than usual. What I wouldn’t give to be standing here with him beside me. I worry about what his morning looks like wherever he is. Is it as beautiful as this one? Is he safe? Is he alive? These are the questions that run through my mind on a daily basis. I’ve learned to live with the memories of him and pray that they’re not all he is now—someone who was. That bright light in my heart, never to be seen or felt again. I refuse to believe it. On those nights I’ve spent looking through my telescope, I often find myself wishing that the stars mapping across the galaxy could carry my voice to him to tell him I’m thinking of him.

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