Page 98 of The Darkest Parts of Me

“No. No we don’t.” I kiss her like it’s a promise, and that’s all I can give her—mark her and ravage her so that she will remember this night forever. When we are through, I lay her softy on her back and then lie beside her, our hands intertwined as we lie there, listening to our breathing calm until the only sound is the crackling of the fire. We stay like this for several minutes, and for a moment, I think she’s fallen asleep.

“Maybe you should stay,” she suddenly says. She turns to face me on her side, recognizing the confusion on my face. “Maybe you should stay on Earth.”

My heart aches that the thought crossed her mind. I take her face in my hands. “No. That isn’t my life anymore.”

She scans my face. “It just . . . It sounds like you were born to be a captain, Renn—to lead people. This life seems so below you.”

The words ache in my chest. “No. That’s not even close to the truth, Mave. Even back then, I think I always knew that this was where I truly belonged. I think I was searching for this place before I even knew it. I will make things right, and then I’m coming back to you. I promise.”

She runs her fingers up and down my forearm, then intertwines them with mine, a pained expression furrowing her brow. “You don’t know how long it could be, do you?” I’m torn on what to say and do, and when I can’t answer, she whispers softly, “Weeks? Months? Please just tell me.”

I tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear. “It will be at least a year of travel alone. Six months to get to Earth then six months back. I don’t know how long it will take to get things settled once we get there.”

She doesn’t say anything as I watch her accept the fact that it could be much longer than she initially thought.

“Does that change things for you?”

Her hand tightens around mine. “No, Renn. Never.” I watch her azure eyes glaze a bit before she speaks again. “I don’t want to think about these things, but what if you can’t come back? Nate said it was the plan, but it doesn’t mean something else won’t happen.”

The words stab me over and over, because it is the truth, I just didn’t think I would have to say it. I should have known better than to skate over the facts with her.

“Listen to me. If there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that, that day—as horrible as it was—brought me here to you, and I’m not letting that slip away, Maven. Even if I die trying, there is nothing that would make me change my mind. I belong here, with you.” I take her hand and place it over my heart, then place my hand over hers, feeling the thrumming of her heart in my palm.

“I love you,” she whispers. I pause, taking a breath. She still seems to make me nervous, even now.

“Mave, when I look at you I’m home.” Her breath is unsteady. “I’m coming back.” I say, and her blue eyes glisten as she smiles.

I pull her into me, and she falls asleep not long after. I rest my head against hers as I watch her breathe in and out, her beauty only showcased more in the glow of firelight. The heaviness of sleep never comes for me, but as I hold her against me, watching the night slowly fade, I can’t hold the tears in any longer. They fall, one by one, sliding down into her hair. And I know I will never feel completely broken and whole all at the same time ever again.

CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

Maven

Adeep layer of snow greets us when we wake the next morning. The first snowfall of the season has finally arrived. It’s ironic that it chose today to appear because of what this day means. The next chapter of our story—the blank, unwritten page of unknowns. It frightens me that the words are yet to be written. Will they tell the story of us spending the rest of our lives apart? Or that this is the last time I will ever see him? Instead of adding more chapters, will it simply be the end? Like it never happened? I keep squeezing his hand as tight as I can in these final moments as we trek through the snow to where the ship awaits.

Earlier that morning as he was packing, Renn very sweetly asked me to watch over Shy and his cabin. I had already planned to stay at Renn’s for however long he was away, so when I said I would, he said, “Good. Because it’s your home too.”

We hike through the bright landscape for a long while. I expect my knee to flare up again, but it never does. An old habit I guess. A wide open field of blinding white comes into view, and nestled near the edge of the treeline is the ship. I’m surprised to find that it looks like a great bird with its wings tucked in, made up of a sleek, metal surface of black and dark gray.

“I’ll get her ready for departure,” Nate says, looking over at us.

“I guess this is goodbye,” I say to him.

Nate walks toward me and wraps me in a tight hug. “Goodbye, Maven. I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

I turn my head to whisper into his ear. “Take care of him.” I feel him nod, and I let go, stepping back beside Renn. “Goodbye, Nate.”

He smiles at me one last time and then turns to Renn. “We should be ready in a few minutes.”

Renn gives him a single nod, and we watch him enter the ship through the ramp that appeared under one of the wings. The second Nate is out of sight, Renn takes my face in his hands, and they feel like icicles. I don’t care—my face is already freezing—but the second his lips meet mine, I feel instantly warm. We hold nothing back as our kiss becomes feverish and consuming with every stroke of his tongue against mine. I kiss him harder, trying to put everything I feel for him into this last kiss, because I could never say enough words or formulate the right goodbye to make it feel like the right thing, to make it feel like enough.

The only thing I know without a doubt is that this man loves me. This incredible specimen of a person. He has loved me at my worst times and he sees me for who I am, and he still loves me, even the darkest parts of me. And I love the darkest parts of him just as strongly. We both have been broken, but somehow, our broken pieces fill each other, making us whole, together. We found each other, and for the first time in my life, I’m grateful for all the bad that brought me such good.

He pulls away slightly, keeping his hands on me. “Do you want to know the moment I fell in love with you?”

My lips tremble, our breath fogging around us. It’s almost painful to look at him because he’s too perfect. His green eyes shimmer with love, and the stubble on his jaw is the perfect length, just long enough that I feel it when it grazes against me, but it’s still soft. His perfect lips are so close to mine as he speaks.

“The moment you made it to the lookout on the retreat.”

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