Page 42 of Control

“Yes!” I said, my voice getting louder.

“You really want to?” he said, repeating himself.

“Yes!” I said, screaming at him. I could feel the expression on my face distorting and my bottom lip beginning to shake, the anger inside me having reached a critical point. He stared at me a few seconds and took a deep breath.

“Mustafa,” he said, finally explaining his reasons to me. “When people see him, the first thing they notice is his size. They see all 6 foot 5 inches of him and his huge muscles. They’re usually intimidated because he’s so big, but does he aim to intimidate when he speaks to people? No, he doesn’t. He’s a good man with good heart. He takes people in and protects them. The weakest ones in the game who others may try to take advantage of, he looks after and people love him for that. That’s not something he does to show off. That’s just the kind of man he is.

“And then you have Cris. She’s someone similar, but she has a wonderful business acumen. She helps those around her and shows them how to survive here. She gets them started, teaches them what they need to know and even employs many of them. Not only that, but she protects her girls and guys. She’s the good boss everyone wants to have. They all know that when the chips are down, she’ll be there to take care of them. That’s what makes her special. That’s why we chose her.” I kept my eyes on him as he continued to offer reasons for everyone.

“Giff is a man that could turn anyone’s bad day around,” he said, remarking on one of my oldest friends. “He came from a wealthy family, but broke away from them to make his own way in the real world. He doesn’t let his privileged upbringing change how he judges others. To him, everyone is equal and all he wants is to see them smile. That’s why he has his club. No matter how down someone feels they know they can visit his place and either get on the dance floor and let the music take them or they can go into a private room and relax for a while with a few friends. He’s always there when he can be and he always takes the time to welcome new people and makes them feel special. His unyielding energy and attitude makes him special. That’s why he was chosen.” I was actually looking forward to see what he had to say about Caster.

“Caster is,” he said before I butted in.

“An asshole?” I said, my anger still there, but having settled down somewhat. Thaddeus laughed at little at this comment, mostly because he knew how true it could be.

“He’s logical,” he said, continuing his explanation. “He very intelligent and can often set aside any prejudice when handling a situation. He’s meticulous and methodical in his approaches and because of that he rarely makes mistakes. He’s not to everyone’s liking, but he knows how to get things done in a timely and efficient manner. His education and dedication to teaching others here in Aurora is why he’s so respected. Even before he was granted his title, he had helped hundreds of others learn about things like philosophy and history and many other topics. We thought about calling him Professor, but we felt Wizard was more in keeping with his name so that was what he was given.”

“And with all of them,” I said in a lower voice than before, “you eventually felt you needed to have someone who was a screw up?” With that, Thaddeus looked at me strangely as if what I said had caught him off guard. “Did you all really want someone who was…broken and dysfunctional and afraid to leave her apartment for long periods of time?” Thaddeus openly sighed and shook his head at me.

“You really have no idea,” he said to me, his voice softening. “It doesn’t surprise me really, given all that I know about you.”

“What?” I said, an awkward chuckle making it’s way through my body and out of my mouth. “What idea is that? If you really know all about me then you know what I’m talking about. You know I was the oddball here. I never deserved to get a title. I never deserved to be on the same level as the rest of them so why did I get one?” In that moment I could feel some of my insecurities creep along my skin and down to my hands. I looked down to them and watched as I balled them up into fists over and over, trying to keep them from shaking. “You know about my past, right? About how…about how my dad never wanted me? About how he told me that I should have….” To my surprised, Thaddeus nodded his head to me.

“I know about all that,” he said, a somber look coming over his face. “I know about how he left you days after you were born and you had to look to your brothers for a positive male influence.” Jesus Christ…he does know. “I know your father ignored you when he visited your brothers, about how that ate you up inside. I know about Mrs. Montgomery and about how she talked to you about love and acceptance and what it means to be brave, even in the face of devastation. She showed you that there can be happiness even after heartache.” I could feel my heart sinking down into my stomach.

“I never told anyone about her,” I said back to him, my voice slowly starting to crack from the stress of hearing my trauma talked about out loud. “How could you….” Thaddeus raised his hand, prompting me to stop speaking.

“I know about about Will,” he said which caused me to shutter and take a step back. “I know that he beat you…and I know you lied to the police about…what else he did to you that day. I know you lied to the judge to get him out of trouble and I know he made your life a living hell after you went back to him.” He really did know. How he found out, I had no idea but he really knew all of it. To have someone I’d never met before reveal to me that the knew all of my traumas shook me to my core. I could feel the pain from every horrible memory flooding back to me. My eyes welled once more with tears and within seconds I could feel them dripping down my face.

“How could….” I couldn’t get the words out. I tried again and failed.

“Do you remember the day your headband arrived?” he asked. Still unable to find my voice, I simply nodded to him. “You probably thought it was from one of the companies you do contract work for but then you realized it wasn’t. You saw it was from a gaming company and because of your affinity for them you pulled the book out and you went through it. You saw who we were and you went to the website that same day, registered, and that very night you were here in Aurora during our Alpha period. You really were among the first to come in. And we…I…was so glad you’d chosen to join us.”

“I?” was all I managed to get out to him.

“Yes,” he replied. “We had a committee that chose from a select pool of applicants that had applied to be part of the closed Alpha. It was comprised of several of the other developers and some of our current and former Game Masters. They all voted to see who would be granted access based on an array of factors like personality, intelligence, overall disposition. I, on the other hand, used my power and influence to insist that we let one more player in with the first group. You.” His admittance took me by complete surprise.

“What?” I said, letting it spill out of my mouth without much force. “What? Why?” I sincerely had no idea what he was about to admit to. The stream of tears from my confused eyes continued as he went on.

“Because of who you are,” he said without any hesitation. “Ana…the world, the real world, I mean…it’s not a good place. It’s full of anger and suffering, fighting, war, political and social strife. I didn’t want any of that here, at least not to the levels that we see in the real world. I knew some would creep in no matter how much we tried to stop it, but I had hoped we could keep it to a minimum. I didn’t want this place to end up as a 2nd Earth. I wanted it to be a place people could come to and escape, and be themselves. All the booze and sex and clubbing that happens here, it’s not an accident. We knew people looked to those things as escapes from reality and we wanted to give that to them. However, we also knew that people are people and no matter how many amazing options we give them, things like pain and suffering will still make their way here. You can’t have that many people from so many different backgrounds come together in one place and not expect there to be problems.”

“And what does all that have to do with me?” I asked, waiting for him to get to the point.

“You asked me why each of you were chosen,” he said, circling back to his original point. “Mustafa, Giff, Cris, and Caster - they all have their own qualities that make them uniquely qualified to act as guides in Aurora. They represent the best of us all. To some they may seem like ordinary people, but they are more than that. They’re born leaders and people are naturally drawn to them because of those qualities. The reason we chose them was because of that charisma and their ability to touch people on a much deeper level.”

“That makes sense,” I said, knowing he was right about the others. “But why me? I’m not like any of them. I’m not special. I’m just some screwed up women with more trauma than brains.”

“You know that’s not true,” Thaddeus said. “At least I hope you know that. If anything, that response tells me that the decision to give you a title…to recognize you as a leader was the right call. Your humility is one trait that we don’t see very often in the real world. Everyone is about being praised and recognized all the time. It’s why you see all those videos on places like Instagram and TikTok and You Tube all the time where some guy is helping a homeless person or giving money to some charity. It’s them saying ‘Hey, everyone! Look at me and how great I am! I’m helping someone.’ It’s all posturing. It’s all bullshit. They do it to make themselves out to be something they’re not. No truly decent person ever feels the need to show off in such a way. They don’t need a camera on them to do the right thing.”

“And what did I do?” I asked, my emotions starting to run high again. “What was my great thing? Getting beat up by my ex husband? Lying to the cops about the shit he did to me? Is that something to be praised? That I helped him stay out of prison when I knew he’d probably get years? Yeah, real accomplishment there!” I could feel my body getting hot all over again and my eyes watering with anger just thinking about Will. “You keep saying that I’m somehow worthy of this title when I’m not like the others! They’re worthy of it all! The money, the popularity, the praise! Let them have it! Not me! This makes no sense to me! I’m nothing like them!”

“Yes you are!” Thaddeus shot back at me with as much force as I was giving him.

“No!” I said, angry tears now running down my cheeks. “I’m not…I’m not worthy this. I’m not worth…anything!”

“God damn it Ana!” he said to me, stepping forward and standing directly in front of me. “How can you not see! How!”

“I’m not like them,” I said through my tears. I felt my hands hit the rug has I dropped to the floor. I didn’t care to look up and didn’t want to. I didn’t feel like I had any right to be there in that room, talking to the creator of the game. “Look at me. I’m a god damn mess of a human being! I fall apart and barely leave my apartment! I’m divorced and alone and don’t even care that I’ll never find anyone again. I’ve…I’ve failed at life. I don’t want this. I never wanted any of it. I’ve never been good enough for…anyone. Will hated me. My father never wanted me. My stepfather never wanted me.”

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