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“I wanted you!” he said to me, his voice sounding as if he were suddenly struggling to speak. Hearing him say what he did caused me to look up, wondering what he meant. “Ana, the others have their qualities. Things that make them who they are. My God, how can you not see that you are not just as good as they are…you’re better. You…I chose you because you have all of those qualities! You may see yourself as weak, but you are one of the strongest people I have even known of in my life. You were broken and beaten down, but you still found a way to stand up and keep moving forward. That shows me you have the strength and resolve of Mustafa. You are often tasked with taking care of others and making them feel that the world isn’t ending! You help them see that there is more to life beyond their broken hearts! You take care of people the same way Cris does!

“When you go into rooms and out into Aurora, people notice you and they see the energy and excitement you bring with you. People feel that. They can sense it! That’s why they all turn and look at you when you arrive. They see you and your smile and they feel better about everything. They can have the worst day, but when they come to Aurora and see you, things don’t feel nearly as gloomy. Just like Giff, you can lift people up and remind them that tomorrow is a new day! Tonight, when you saw Clover Leaf there in the club and you saw her overloading, you didn’t hesitate to run over and help her. You felt in your heart it was the right thing and you did it! Not only did you keep her from overloading, you took time out of your night to talk to her, dress her, help her understand Aurora better. You became a teacher…just like Caster.”

Thaddeus reached out to me and took my face in his hands as his knees hit the floor near my own. “Ana, we chose you…I chose you because you are everything the others are and so much more. You’re all of them rolled into one. You think your trauma defines you, but it doesn’t. It never has. Your trauma is not who you are. You went to hell and back and you still ended up being one of the kindest and sweetest people I have ever seen in my life. I watch you every night when you login and all I can do is marvel at your efforts. You don’t even have to try to be a good person. It’s simply your nature. You bring a stability to Aurora that no one else has. Your old Latchkey teacher Mrs. Montgomery…what did she tell you? Do you remember?” I nodded my head. “Say it to me. What was the one thing she said to you over and over during your time with her?” I found myself looking into Thaddeus’s eyes and wondering more about who he really was. How could he possibly know so much about me? “Ana…what did she always tell you?”

“She would tell me,” I said, my voice breaking as I stared into Thaddeus, a sudden sense of familiarity filling my heart. “In the end, only kindness matters.” With those words, Thaddeus smiled at me and surprisingly, tears began to stream from his eyes.

“You do remember,” he said to me. “Through all your pain, through all that you’ve had to endure in your life, you never forgot the one thing that makes you who you are, the one thing that defines you. Your heart!” The moment Thaddeus said those words, I knew exactly who he was. “Being brave and facing the perils of the world doesn’t mean being fearless. Being brave is knowing you’re going to get hurt, being aware of the pain that’s coming but doing it anyway. It’s being willing to take a chance on love again even after you’ve had your heart broken in pieces. Being brave is taking that leap of faith on someone who may end up hurting you.”

“It’s you,” I said in a near whisper. “It’s you…isn’t it.” I was so certain of my assumption, but I wanted them to say it to me. “You’re the only one that knows all this about me. You know…about my father. And you know why I don’t deserve this.”

“You do,” he said to me, trying once more to reassure me but to no avail. “I know in my heart you do.”

“No,” I said once again in a near whisper. “There are so many others that deserve this more than I do. I’m not the leader you think I am. My life…is so screwed up! Even here people want to bring me down and I’ve done nothing but try to be kind to everyone. I don’t deserve this. I don’t want this.” I shook my head to him. “Not anymore. No more.” Thaddeus broke eye contact with me and looked down to the rug on the floor. I could tell I had let him down. He’d had it in his mind that I was the answer to some question he had in his head, possibly for years but I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be. I felt in my heart like a lost and broken person, incapable of being the one to lead even a small team, much less a entire world of tens of thousands of people. I felt as if I had failed on every level not only in my real life but also in Aurora.

I am a failure.

“I’ve come to realize something,” Thaddeus said to me, still looking at the floor. “I still believe there is more to you than even you know.” He finally looked back to to me, his hands dropping from my face. “But no matter how much I tell you this, I can’t make you see that greatness that I know is inside you. I wish…I could help you in all this, but you…you are so convinced you’re nobody. I know that’s not true, but….” With those words, Thaddeus stood back up and turned away from me, taking a few steps forward. I heard him take in a huge breath and slowly let it out as he looked up to the ceiling. “You keep saying you don’t deserve your title. You think I made a mistake.” I watched him as he nodded his head. “Maybe you’re right.”

Thaddeus turned back toward me and reached down, forcefully pulling me up by the arm with his hand. I stood up in a jerking motion, not caring that he was hurting me with his iron grip. He looked me in the eyes and I stared right back, my mind already made up and unwilling to listen to his reassurances anymore. I didn’t want the title. I never did because I felt I never deserved it.

“You say you’re undeserving and that I was wrong,” he said to me, his voice much more harsh and pointed. “If you truly think that, then fine. I won’t try to convince you anymore. You say you know of others who are more deserving than you. Very well. I’ll give you a choice then. Once you leave here and go back out into the world, go and find whomever you feel is more deserving than you. Find them and go up to them, touch them on the forehead and then step away. At that point, they will be granted a title all their own and your title will be stripped from you.” Looking into his eyes, I could see he was dead serious. “Be aware, once you’ve done this, your title will be gone forever. There is no going back from this. If you truly think you are unworthy, then this is your chance to make things right by giving a title to someone you feel is worthy.” I wiped a stray tear from my eye, looking him directly in his to make sure I wasn’t imagining things.

“You really mean this,” I said to him, my voice somewhat steadier. “You’re letting me choose someone to give my title to?”

“Not your title,” he said, correcting me. “Your title will cease to exist. You will be selecting a new title holder to take your place. Once you do this, you will just be your old self again. You won’t be featured in any of our advertising for the game anymore nor will we include your name on the website or any other media. We will...erase you from all of it. It will be as if ‘The Lotus’ never existed.” His voice was firm and calm, as if this were something he’d felt he might have to do at some point. It made me wonder if he knew I would eventually ask this from the developers. I closed my eyes for a moment, contemplating what this could mean for me. I thought about how I would just be a normal player again and that no one would look to me to be anything more than just an escort.

“Very well,” I said, blinking slightly as I realized what I was agreeing to. “I’ll find someone and they can get the recognition they deserve.” Thaddeus shook his head at me again and I could tell he wanted to stop me from saying more about me being undeserving, but stopped himself. “I have one condition…if that’s alright with you.” He tilted his head toward me, shooting me an expression of curiosity and slight annoyance.

“Your condition being?” he said to me in a calmer than expected voice.

“When I make my selection,” I said, my eyes still beaming into his, “I get to choose what they’ll be known as. I will name them.”

CHAPTER 12 - RISE

I TELEPORTED INTO Mustafa’s massive club without too many people seeing me at first. As I stepped away from the spawn point more and more noticed my sudden presence, my feet instinctively leading me toward the back of the club where I knew he usually hung out. I had assumed that Cris and Reyna and possibly the others would be there with him since the trolls were still possibly running around and causing havoc elsewhere.

Mustafa spotted me from across the room and quickly moved toward me, some of his crew walking over with him. As he got closer, I heard a voice from the other side of the club. It was Cris, and Reyna was by her side. Both of them quickly headed to me with concern in their eyes. Reyna was especially worried since she’d been emergency teleported over to Mustafa’s and I was taken elsewhere to have my talk with the game’s creator. With all three of them surrounding me and virtually everyone in the club, potential over 400 people all around us and in various areas of the room looking on, we all shared hugs and a few words of concern.

“Ana!” Reyna said to me as she got close. “Jesus Christ! Where were you? Did you get away in time? What happened? I was there in the room and then suddenly I was here with everyone.”

“You were unsearchable!” Cris added as she stood by Reyna and Mustafa. “It was as if you were completely off the game, yet we could still see you were online. Your location was listed as ‘loc error.’ I’ve never seen that before!”

“Damn woman!” Mustafa said in his thick and reassuring voice. “Where they hell were you? We were all worried to hell! What happened with you?”

“Reyna told us about that guy,” Cris said. “How did he end up in her room? Did you have to deal with him? Are you alright?”

“Ana,” Reyna said, stepping even closer to me. “What happened?” I put my hands up and tried my best to calm them all down. I let them know I was alright and that I’d managed to get away from Four Buttons without being harmed. Each of them offered me a few kind words as I looked around the club and noticed that word was spreading around Aurora that three council members were all in the same room so more people continued to file in. Within minutes, the crowd sized appeared to have doubled. Along with that, Caster and Spinner had both made their way over to the room to check up on me, Reyna, and Cris, having heard about our misadventure.

I took a moment to look the 5 of them over, letting those few seconds in time slowly form into a more permanent memory. I knew it would be the last time I would see all of them as a council member as I wanted to relief myself of something I knew I never deserved. I watched them all talk with each other and I smiled as Reyna seemed to mix in perfectly with them all. It was as if she belonged with them. They didn’t care about her past nor did she care about theirs. All that mattered is that they were people, trying their best to get through their lives, both real and in game. All of them, as a team, could work well together. I knew in that moment, with the five of them standing around me, what I needed to do. It was not a decision I took lightly, but I knew it was what had to be done. I needed to bow out. I wasn’t strong enough to lead the way they did. I never was and never could give as much of myself as I felt they all did. All of them were better than I was, although they’d never say such a thing to me.

Reyna, for her part, looked completely comfortable around them. She’d always been a social woman and I knew she liked talking to others. I watched her talked back and forth with Cris and Giff as if she’d known them for years. It was striking to me to see her take to them so quickly. She and Mustafa were like two peas in a pod, their silly and humorous banter a joy to listen to. She even took time to listen to Caster and one of his many professor-like diatribes about trolls and their supposed role in the grand order of things within the game.

I watched her for what felt like hours, but was really only few minutes. Her smile beamed across the room and I could tell others were taking notice of her. It was something I’d realized before, but only with smaller groups. Thinking back to the times she and I and a few of our other friends would go out to clubs to either dance or just hangout and talk, she was always at the forefront of our group conversations. She had that knack for winning people over and making them all feel comfortable around us. Even the times new players would see me and want to join in our group, Reyna was always welcoming and warm to them, making them feel like they belonged. I always knew there was something about her. I’d felt it almost immediately the day we first met. She had something that not many other possessed. It was a quality I had always yearned for in others but rarely found.

I used to think that maybe I was being to hard on others. Maybe my standards were too high and I felt that since I gave so much of myself that others should do the same with me. Was I wrong for wanting that? Was I wrong for asking for others to show sympathy and compassion, even to those they didn’t know? So often people are ridiculed or purposely overlooked by others for no other reason than they didn’t fit into a box that the ‘In’ crowd had created. Reyna and I were not outcasts, but we were far from the norm and we both knew it. Maybe that was why we bonded so quickly. Maybe our ability to withhold judgment was what made us click. Maybe that was the reason…I fell in love with her. And maybe that was the reason I did what I did in Mustafa’s club that night.

A joke I often tell people that ask is that I am 95% straight. While I offer that humorously, I always felt it were true. I have always been much more attracted to men than women. In real life, I had been with a woman when I was younger. However, in that experience, there was also a man so it wasn’t just the two of us. In a way, I think having that man there was what gave me the courage to even let myself see another girl as something more than just a friend. I remember kissing that woman, a friend of mine that had asked me to join her and her boyfriend for a night of lustful experimentation. It was a good experience and I remember it fondly. She and I kissed and made love to each other all while her boyfriend watched, and eventually he joined in.

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