Page 26 of Control

“I don’t care!”

“But I do!”

“Why! I don’t give a damn what they think!”

“Ana,” she said to me while covering her face with her hands. “Don’t you see? It’s never going to end. It will just keep happening and then they’ll come after you and they’ll destroy what you’ve become!”

“What have I become?” I asked Reyna, unsure of what she was really getting at. “Reyna, what have I become?”

“You really don’t see it, do you.” Reyna dropped her hands from her face and stared at me again. “You’ve become something more. You’ve evolved! You’re not just Ana anymore to these people. There’s a reason they come to you! There’s a reason they send you messages and send you gifts! I know you don’t really read all these forums posts and chat room discussions, but I do! Yes, a ton of people talk badly of you, but to most everyone else…you’ve become a beacon.” Reyna moved closer to me as she spoke. “That flower that you’re named after now, the lotus, it comes in so many colors and each one has a meaning all its own.”

“What does that even matter?” I said, hoping to misdirect.

“It matters now more than ever because of who you are!” she said to me. “That faint glow you have about you…you haven’t even noticed what it does, do you.”

“It’s just purple,” I replied. “Why does that matter?” Reyna moved directly in front of me and grabbed arms by my wrists, raising my hands up to my face.

“Look again,” she said. Looking closely at my hands, they were no longer emitting that light purple glow, but instead appeared more red and golden. “You don’t see it Ana, but I do. I noticed it almost immediately. You’re state of mind, your heart, your soul is tied to the lotus flower now. If people look closely enough, they can see it too. They can feel it. Just as I feel it right now!” Reyna dropped my arms and placed her hands on my cheeks, getting so close to me that I could almost taste her lip balm. “People can see what you’ve become. To them, you’re whatever they need to you be. The colors of the lotus flower all have different meanings and ideas associated with them. Because of this and because of your new gift, people are drawn to you. They feel a sense of serenity when they’re close to you. I felt it from the first day. That’s why people love to be near you. They can’t help it. They look at you and see you as something beyond their understanding, but still real enough for them to touch.” I felt my body begin to shake as I slowly realized the magnitude of what had really happened that day.

“I didn’t ask for this,” I said, resisting the urge to pull Reyna to me even though I was sure she’d refuse. “I never wanted any of this.”

“I know,” she said to me. “And you’re right. You never asked for this. People who find themselves in situations like this often never ask for their gifts. But this is you now. You were and still are the most loving and caring person I have ever met in my life! I was so scared to tell you about my darkest secrets but I did it anyway with the hope you would somehow accept me and you did! You really did and I was beside myself with happiness over it. You never saw just the kink. You never judged me on it! You accepted me and I love you for it. And…I care for you so much that I can’t…I can’t be a burden to you. I can’t let my life and reputation bring you down.” It was at that moment that I knew what was coming next.

“You’re going to leave me,” I said to her in a near whisper. “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you.” I held tight to my emotions, hoping to stave off a meltdown. Even still, I felt a well of tears in my eyes and could not stop them. “Reyna…please….”

“I can’t,” she said to me, her voice breaking as she stepped back from me. “I can’t do this to you. I won’t do this to you.”

“Stay,” I said, my voice also breaking. I could feel my mouth distorting and my heartbeat becoming a sledge hammer, slamming into my chest plate. “Reyna, no….” As tears fell from her cheeks and down to her shirt, she shook her head to me.”

“No,” she said. With that, I could see Reyna bringing up her HUD. Tapping on her friend’s list, she scrolled to my name and selected it. With a few more taps, she’d removed me.

“Reyna,” I said as the first wave of sobbing hit me. “Don’t! Please. Stay! Reyna, just stay!”

“I love you,” she said to me, tears pouring down her cheeks. “I love you more than life itself. You are…the most wonderful person I’ve ever known in my life. I refuse to be your downfall.”

“Reyna….” I watched her as she backed away from me and slowly made a series of selections in her HUD. “Stay with me. I need you. I’m nothing without you!” With those final words, Reyna closed her eyes, hit one final selection on her HUD, and was gone. “NO!”

I brought up my HUD and immediately searched her name in the online player database. She had logged out and had set all her previously public information, including her profile, to private. I screamed out and ran to the wall, pounding it with my fists several times before turning around and falling back into it, letting my body slide down it until I was on the floor.

“REYNA!”I screamed over and over. “Stay! Please don’t leave me! Just stay!” I cried uncontrollably for hours, cycling through fits of seething anger at those that drove her to leave me and utter despair where it felt as if a part of me had died. The only other time in my life where I’d felt such raw and uncontrollable emotion was the day I almost died at the hands of my ex husband, a day which haunts me even now. Having Reyna leave me so suddenly and under such uncontrollable circumstances, however, felt so much worse.

Reyna and I weren’t a couple, but were never just friends either. Some might say we were something in between. One could argue that for all intents and purpose, she and I were actually together, but never needed to make it official so to speak. We were just together because we sincerely loved being with one another. We were more than friends, but less than lovers.

The kinks we have, and we all have at least a few, are often born from trauma. And through those kinks and fantasies we are able to deal with the pain from those traumas. Reyna and I had somehow managed to discover each other by sheer luck and at the most opportune time. We each needed each other in the worst way and we had hoped we would understand and accept each other. However, that acceptance went far beyond what either of us could have hoped for. I didn’t just accept Reyna and her trauma. I embraced it. I’d come to love her so quickly and so deeply that suddenly having her taken from me caused me to spiral out of control in both Aurora and in real life.

I stopped eating. I lost weight. I stopped going out for food and necessities. I stopped working. I would lie in bed under my blankets for days at a time. At night instead of putting on the headband and logging it, I would lie there and stare at it, wondering how this had all happened the way it did.

When I did eventually log back in, I’d returned to find that all sorts of speculation had started up. I’d not logged in for 9 days and people noticed I had been missing. Some thought I had quit while others thought I had been suspended or completely banned for some reason. Others that knew Reyna and I figured out what had happened since both she and I had suddenly disappeared. The night I returned, I spoke to several of our male friends that participated in our fantasies and confirmed to them that Reyna had decided to “take a break.” I also told them that I would no longer be participating in any of the role play sessions anymore which bummed out several of them not simply because they’d no longer have a go to for sex, but also because all of them actually gave a damn about Reyna and I.

For the next several weeks, I did all I could to try and not think about her. I kept myself busy with activities, interviews, and appearances. When I wasn’t busy drumming up support for a new club or talking to someone who just needed a shoulder to cry on, I ended up doing what so many people with a broken heart did - I fucked the pain away.

I ended up calling a few of the friends we had that did our sessions with us and had sex with them on several occasions. With each encounter though, they began to notice that part way through, I would become listless and unresponsive. At one point, I’d even been brought back around by one of them because I’d let my mind wonder so much that I’d completely checked out and didn’t even realize we were having sex. The sweetheart that he was, he stopped and covered me with a blanket and tried his best to comfort me. The entire time, I sat there with no expression on my face and no hope in my heart.

I stayed in my room most days for a while after first coming back and tiring of the constant interviews. I worked on my wardrobe and played with colors and new designs for clothing. With all the money I’d made from promoting rooms and granting interviews, I was easily able to buy a new apartment which I later found out was the most expensive in the game. It was insanely large and had more rooms than I knew what to do with. Even given it’s vast size, I found myself sticking mostly to my wardrobe and bedroom, leaving all the other rooms virtually untouched.

Over time, I found myself beginning to crawl back out of my shell and recovering as best I could. I started to leave my real life place again and I rediscovered my appetite after losing 14 pounds off of my 108 pound body. I worked more and spent time outside the game to do other things like read books, watch movies, and play other games on my PC. In game, I would continue to promote rooms occasionally and put on my best face for everyone. The interest in me never waned and people still wished to spend time with me/ They wanted to touch my hands and arms because of my glow which, as Reyna had pointed out to me, did change from time to time depending on my mood.

Before I knew it, life had returned mostly back to normal. I felt good, but never great. I smiled, but not in the same way I used to. I laughed but, as with my smile, not as big or heartily as I once did. The trolls, while still a problem, eventually lost interest in me for a time because I simply never engaged them. Everything had become manageable and even fairly good in most respects. But then, like that lightning bolt that had struck me a year and a half earlier, there she was again, standing right in front of me, my hand in hers as she held it to her chest. And in an instant, it all came flooding back and I was shaking as I did that day she felt she had to leave me.

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