Page 19 of We're One

As my blurry vision clears, I notice a paper on my nightstand. At least this time he left a note. But I still can’t help but compare it to what happened so long ago. Once again he walked out on me. The familiar sting of disappointment fills me and settles in my chest. What was I thinking? Do I regret it?

I want to be filled with shame for my actions, but it really was beautiful. It always was with Zach. He knows how to love a woman, and leave her completely satisfied. He also knows how to crush a woman’s soul. How can he bring me to the greatest heights and the lowest lows all within a few hours’ time? At the first test of my willpower, I caved in seconds. Once he kissed me again I was one-hundred-percent his.

I rise from bed, move to the bathroom, and take a quick shower. I love the smell of Zach on me way too much to allow it to stay. I need to wash this day away, need to firm my shoulders and be stronger. I know as much as I enjoyed our lovemaking, I can’t let it happen again.

I finish showering, get dressed, then move into my kitchen while trying to shake off the feeling of utter foolishness that’s flowing through me. The man always gets his way. I was supposed to be stronger. I thought I was a smarter woman than the eighteen-year-old kid I was the first time we were together. At least then I didn’t sleep with him after one kiss. It took longer than that.

I empty the coffee pot and start a new batch, the rich aroma quickly filling the air and helping mask Zach’s scent that’s still lingering in my tiny apartment. It isn’t doing a lot to lift my spirits but I assure myself by the end of the day I’ll be fine. I’m not sure what I’ll say to him next, but I won’t speak to him until I’ve pulled myself together. Right now my thoughts are a tangled mess of regret, confusion, happiness, and frustration.

I’m pouring a cup of coffee when I hear the front door open. I let out a sigh of relief as Nikki returns, carrying a much-needed bag of Mexican food. It’s just the thing to lift my spirits. She’s grinning as she moves toward me, then she sees my face and her smile slowly begins to fall.

“What’s the matter, sweetie?” she asks as she sets the bag on the counter. “Normally, I walk in with Mexican and you’re positively giddy.”

I let out a long sigh as I force a smile to my lips. I know it’s not reaching my eyes. Nikki and I can’t lie to each other. We’ve been besties for far too long. I reach for the sack, look inside, and see nachos and lots of tacos. I pull the nachos out, pop the top off, and grab a chip. Perfection. Food really is the cure to all woes.

“Eat a couple of chips and then spill,” Nikki says. We each grab food, some plates, and napkins, then walk to the couch and plop down. We don’t have a table so it’s our favorite eating place. Of course, I may never look at our couch quite the same way again. I might have to burn it after what happened on it today.

“Zach remembered me,” I tell her before grabbing a taco, pouring a generous amount of hot sauce on it, then taking a crunchy bite.

Nikki’s eyes widen. She grabs her own taco and begins munching away as she gazes at me. We both chew for a minute or so before her gaze narrows a little.

“You’re a bit too upset about him figuring this out. What exactly happened?” She looks around the small room as if she can find the answers in the corner by our tiny bookshelf.

I finish my taco. I’d normally grab another one, but this might take a minute. “We were in the park, coffee got spilled. I stupidly invited him up to the apartment to get cleaned up. Then he was sitting here all shirtless and gorgeous. Then well, one thing led to another, and then we were making love right here on the couch. He carried me to my bed and I fell asleep. When I woke up he was gone with only a note left behind. At least he left me a note this time instead of simply disappearing. I’m so mad I caved that quickly. One kiss and I was his willing puppet.”

Nikki’s face goes from fascinated to horror. She jumps up from the couch and looks at it with disgust. “You could’ve told me that before I sat down,” she says before she laughs. “Do you know how hard it is to clean sex stains off of furniture?” Her utter horror gives me the giggles and I start laughing, a welcome relief.

“We used a condom,” I assure her.

She shakes her head. “There are more fluids than the ending squirt,” she says, and this makes me laugh even harder.

“I guess sex really is kind of gross and messy.”

“Sex is beautiful and wonderful and also disgusting. Too many fluids flow all over the place. For that matter how did kissing start in the first place? Kissing is so gross if you really think about it, with saliva flowing between each other’s mouths. When I’m not all turned on, it truly horrifies me,” Nikki says.

She reaches down and grabs another taco, refusing to sit down. She eats it standing up, some lettuce falling to the carpet. It doesn’t matter. We’re about to do some major cleaning. I already feel better and grab another taco for myself and munch away. I was the one on the couch having sex, so I’m not grossed out sitting here.

“We’ll do a deep cleaning as soon as lunch is over.”

“Yes, we will,” she says. The girl manages to cram down four tacos in a matter of minutes and half the nachos. I’m not far behind her. We finish all of the food in the bag, which in reality is probably enough for four people. We figure we work hard so we can eat well. We might need to do a bit more working out and both of us pray our metabolism never fails us.

We start cleaning. Luckily, we have a great handheld machine that scrubs furniture and carpet well. We are both laughing at the absurdity of cleaning up after a sex act. It doesn’t take a long time, but the task is a good distraction for me. I feel better simply doing something and being in the room with my bestie, who always knows how to make things better.

I’m going to be fine. I simply had a weak moment, but I won’t allow myself to dwell on it. I also won’t let it ruin my job. I might have to make sure I’m never alone with Zach, because I have a feeling I’ll fail again if he pushes me against a wall. The second his hands or lips are on me, he owns me. I’m a professional, dammit, not a teenager.

“I’m so glad we live together. I’d be a mess if you weren’t here.” I throw the rags into the laundry basket. Nikki deems the couch worthy of sitting on again. She does move to the farthest edge though, making me smile again.

“We know each other better than anyone else. We always make things better,” Nikki says. “What will you do next?”

I let out a sigh. I’m overstuffed and feeling a whole lot better. When I’m sinking I just need to remember that things always get better. It’s only a matter of time and perspective. It’s hard to remind myself in the moment though, when my world seems to be falling apart.

“I’m going to be the professional I’ve made myself into,” I declare. I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her or myself. But either way, if I say it enough it will become true. “I’ll take a few days to pull myself together and then I’ll face him. This won’t set me back, and I’m not letting it cost me the best job I’ve ever gotten.”

“What if he doesn’t want you to do the design now?” she asks.

My smile fades away. “That didn’t cross my mind,” I admit. “I guess I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be, and I’ll move forward. Maybe that will be my sign that it’s time to leave Seattle. We’ve been working far too long to make our businesses a success. Yours is taking off and I’m barely keeping my head above water. If this doesn’t work out, maybe it’s time to go home and figure something else out.”

She looks sad at these words. “Don’t be sad. I’m not giving up, only realizing that sometimes our lives aren’t going in the direction they’re supposed to be going in. We can keep fighting the current or we can swim in a new direction. I’ll never give up, but I’m okay with changing directions,” I assure her.

---