Page 101 of The Un-Apparent Heir

“You wouldn’t. You never do. What are you upset about? What weighs heavy on the shoulders of the Lady Chamberlain?”

She giggled. “That never gets old for you, does it?”

He was so proud of her. Lucy couldn’t have asked for a better hype machine. Winston’s adoration improved their lives together. The return to London was good for them both. She didn’t feel so selfish.

“Uh, here’s the thing,” Lucy said. “I just… this pregnancy is not feeling the same for me. I know the tests have been good and you are totally in love with this baby, but I am not feeling it. I struggle to connect. I don’t resent her anymore, but I feel out of it.”

Winston furrowed his brow. “So, what? What would help?”

“There is nothing you can do. I’m a bad mother.”

“Luce, there is not a shred of truth to that. You’re an amazing mum. It feels different because life is different. We weren’t ready for another baby. That’s true, but I have never seen you holding a baby for the first time not completely overjoyed. This is no different.”

Lucy nodded. Winston ran his hand over her belly. Inside, the baby fluttered but she remained disconnected.

“You’re beautiful,” Winston said. “And she will be loved—so loved.”

“I am nervous about taking off work.”

“Don’t be.”

“With Natalie out?—”

“Hey, stop that. You’ve been over this dozens of times. You get to take time to have this baby—to bond with her. If Sanne and Paul can take time, so can you. If Natalie has cleared it, you are good.”

“But you know how things can be. Our parents?—”

“Lulu, our parents didn’t do a bang-up job and often made sacrifices thinking they were best for us, but they weren’t. I don’t want to hear about it. What did we learn with this mess?”

“Sometimes what we feel is best is just going through the motions?”

“Yes,” Winston said. “And we’re trying not to do that anymore. Live your life. Say your truth. Don’t hold back—especially with me.”

Lucy smiled. “We made it out. I want it to be normal, but it never feels completely okay. In some ways, it feels better. I don’t know if that makes sense. We spent several years hiding from our fears. I’m relieved they are out in the open.”

Winston smiled. “Stronger. Better. Yes. Thisisour new normal, Luce. It’s another chapter—one that’s a little less picture-perfect but amazing all the same. God, I love everything about you. Every day you come home to me feels more precious. And this baby… while I know it’s not great timing… it feels sweet. It makes something awful into something good.”

“I suppose that’s true. But aren’t you frustrated?”

“I am so in love with you that I cannot be.”

“Oh, Tony, that’s a relief. Because I feel like… I’m ready to try again… to be… you know… totally at ease. I’m comfortable.”

“Whenever you want. And however you want. I want to try.”

Lucy bit her lip. “Well, maybe we can? I mean, I don’t want to spring this on you if you are tired or whatever.”

“Try me,” Winston said. “I guarantee I won’t regret it.”

Lucy suddenly felt light, like she could. She stood and made her way towards Winston. She straddled him, not wasting time.

“Remember when we first hooked up and just went for it?”

“Like idiots, no condom, no thought about anything?” Winston asked.

She kissed him slowly and then pulled back. “Well, newsflash, you can’t get me pregnant, baby.”

Winston kissed her back slowly. In the process of healing, they’d spent a lot of time making out like teenagers and fooling around. To Lucy’s surprise, it was a nice change. It didn’t feel like the waste of time she’d previously assumed it would be. She ground on him and felt him harden beneath her. There was still trepidation and worry about what might happen. Or, was it something else? Was it excitement?

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