Page 6 of Myself

I’m so screwed.

“Watch it.” My brother warns him as he pulls away too soon. I fall to my seat and am instantly disappointed when he doesn't choose the free seat beside me. But guilt floods me when I realize that’s Conner’s seat.

“What happened to you last night, man?” he asks my brother, and I choose to tune them out as I look over at the man who I’ve loved for as long as I can remember. He was one of my best friends until I went and ruined it. Twice! The first time was at my eighteenth birthday party. I just wanted a taste. Just to know that if the reality would be as good as my dreams. It was.

I stand in one of the bathrooms at my parents’ pool house. Tears run down my face, and I sniff as I look at myself in the gold trimmed mirror. Conner and I just got into it over alcohol. I asked him to slow down on the drinking, and he told me he could do whatever he wanted to do. That I wasn’t his mother. He started yelling at me in front of everyone and then poured himself another one.

Thankfully, Ryder was in another room doing God knows what with some woman he brought with him tonight and didn’t hear it. He would have made it worse.

I hear a knock on the door, and I quickly wipe the tears from my cheeks and turn my back to the door as I hear it start to open. “I’ll be out in a minute,” I say, taking a deep breath. I stand with my back to the door as I wait for whoever it is to leave. My nose runs, and I can feel my wet eyelashes touching my cheek. I take a quick look up at the white ceiling and wipe my fingers right under my eyes. “I just need a second,” I say when I don’t hear them leave.

When I finally hear the door shut, I close my eyes and let out a long breath. I turn around only to jump in surprise. “Jaycent,” I say, placing my hand over my racing heart. Jaycent stands inside the bathroom with the door shut behind him. His hands are in the pockets of his dark blue jeans. He looks down at me with no expression on his face.

“Why are you in here crying?” he asks softly.

I didn’t see him when Conner and I got into it, so I’m not sure how he knows we got into it. “I’m just ... tired.” I lie lamely.

He takes a step toward me, and I take a step back. “You’re a horrible liar,” he states.

I swallow nervously, and my bottom lip quivers. He knows me too well. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

He removes his hands from his pockets and takes two steps toward me this time. I stay where I am now that my back is against a wall. “Why are you apologizing?” he asks with a frown; his light brown eyes search my face, and I wipe my cheeks as he follows another tear falling.

Because that’s what I do. I’m always sorry. I hang my head in shame as the tears fill my eyes once again, but I say nothing.

I suck in a ragged breath when I feel his hand on my wet cheek. I look up at him through my tear-filled eyes and blink so I can see him clearly. The tears fall freely. He places his other hand on my cheek as well, cupping my face. I can’t breathe. He’s never touched me like this before. He’s never touched me at all. “When are you gonna stop letting him do this to you?” he asks as his eyes continue to search mine.

I open my mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. Because I really don’t have an answer.

He sighs heavily and steps into me, pressing the black tulle from my short dress into my legs. Its roughness making my thighs itch.

“Jaycent,” I say, lifting my hands to his chest. I can feel his heart pound behind his shirt, and I lick my lips.

He wipes the tears off my cheeks and leans his head down toward me. He stops halfway as his dark brows pull together. It’s as if he’s confused about what he’s doing in here with me. As if doesn’t know what he wants to do with me. I could think of a few things. And then some more.

“Becca.” He says my name softly, and I can’t take it any longer.

My hands slowly make their way around his neck. He doesn’t stop me, so I begin to pull him down toward me to close the space. He hesitates, stopping only inches from me, and my heart breaks in my chest. “You should go,” I tell him, and my voice breaks.

“I can’t,” he admits softly. He presses more into me, and I can feel his hardness against my lower stomach. The size of him makes my breath hitch. “I won’t leave you like this.”

I whimper, and he groans. I’ve thought about this moment so many times. But I never imagined it would be in my parents’ bathroom while my boyfriend is somewhere nearby. “You look beautiful tonight,” he says as his eyes drop to my chest. The black party dress I chose to wear shows off my cleavage. Conner picked it out. He likes it when I show off what’s his. But at this moment, I belong to Jaycent.

Those words have never sounded sweeter. It’s like that fifth drink that makes you smile and laugh at nothing. “Thank you,” I manage to whisper.

His warm hands move from my cheeks and back into my hair. He tilts my head farther back to where it rests against the wall, and I swallow nervously. “What does the birthday girl want?” he asks roughly.

“You,” I say without thought. “I want you, Jaycent.” My legs shake as that spot between my legs throbs with want.

“Becca ...” He leans in and places his head in the crook of my neck, groaning in frustration as if he’s really considering it. “We can’t ...”

I lift my right leg and wrap it around his hip, pulling him to me. His left hand drops from my face, and he grabs my thigh. His large hand squeezes it, and then it begins to travel up to my hip. My lips part, and I gasp as I try to rock my hips into his. “You asked ...” I say breathlessly. “I want you,” I tell him again. I would never say this sober, but the three drinks I’ve had have me finally going for what I’ve wanted for so long.

His lips kiss my neck, and I secretly beg him to pull my panties down. To lift my other leg and set me on the counter next to us so I can play out my deepest darkest fantasy with him. The one where he can’t wait to take me. Where he moans my name, and I scream out his. Yeah, I’ve thought about it a lot.

I groan in frustration as his lips start to make their way up my neck, my panties growing wetter. “I’m so wet,” I say, sucking in a breath, and he stops kissing me.

I swallow nervously when he pulls his face from my neck and stares down at me with hard eyes. His hand still gripping my hip. “I’m sorry ...” I say as my stomach drops. I shouldn’t have said anything. He is much more experienced with sex than I am. I’ve been sleeping with Conner for about a year and a half now, but we don’t do anything outside the norm. I’m too afraid with him. But with Jaycent, I would let him do whatever he wants with me.

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