Page 5 of Myself

“That’s exactly why.” His phone rings from his back pocket, and he takes a step back from me and pulls it out.

“Who is that?” I ask as he stares down at it. He presses ignore and then places it back in his pocket. “Conner?” I snap. “Who was that?” I demand. We both do this. He always asks who is calling or texting me. And I do the same. It’s unhealthy to have this much lack of trust. But I’m not innocent. I’ve broken our trust before too. I regret it every day of my life. Not because it hurt Conner, but because it hurt me. Having to let go and push away a man I loved hurt more than anything Conner could do to me.

“Wrong number.”

“You didn’t even answer it,” I say, knowing it has to be the girl from last night. Or a girl from another night. There’s no way for me to find out. He has a lock on his phone, and I don’t even know the code. I know what he does, but I choose to play stupid. It’s easier that way.

“Are you calling me a liar?” he asks, arching a dark brow.

I take a long, deep breath because this is not the first time, but I should let it go for now. My brother is here, and that is more important than Conner. So I say nothing. I’ve learned to like the taste of blood from biting my tongue so hard it bleeds.

“Apologize for calling me a liar,” he demands.

I shake my head. “I’m not gonna apologize, Conner,” I snap. I’ve apologized for enough shit that I haven’t done.

He goes to open his mouth, but Ashlyn comes out of nowhere and grabs my hand. “I need to talk to you,” she says, standing between us.

I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back my tears of anger and pure frustration. I nod my head at her. She pulls me back into my bedroom and apologizes about her and Ryder when, in all honestly, I don’t care. She’s not the first friend of mine to sleep with him. And now that I’ve seen them together, I like it. I never thought of it before, but they would be good together.

I pull her in for a hug because I need it. That brief second when you feel like someone else cares about you and is there for you. She continues to apologize, and I swallow the lump in my throat at how lucky I am to have her here with me. If I were alone here with Conner, I would lose my mind. I pull away and explain to her that I’m not mad at her for what she and Ryder did. And how I would never let a man come between us. Conner has tried, but I’ll never let him succeed. Not with Ashlyn. Then I pull her in for another hug.

“Why were you crying out there?” she asks. And I hate how emotional I am.

I pull away from her. “It’s just ... Conner,” I whisper. “He hates that Ryder is here.” Which is part of the truth. I don’t wanna tell her about our fight last night or the woman who just called him. She would turn around, walk right out there, and punch him in the face. Then I would have to explain that to Ry, and I just don’t have the energy. “And then last night ...” I stop myself. I don’t wanna make this trip more complicated than it already is.

“What happened?”

I just shake my head, and she places her hands on my shoulders. “It will be okay. Your big brother is here, and we’re in Panama City.” She opens her arms wide with a devious smile on her face. “What could go wrong?”

She has no clue what we are in for, but I do.

**

The four of us decided to go down to the hotel buffet for breakfast. I can’t help but smile as Ryder fills me in on his work and our father. He doesn’t have much to say about our mother, and I’m not surprised. She never spent time with him either.

I don’t miss the looks exchanged by Ryder and Conner, but I try to ignore them. As we come to the end of the line, they all go to sit down while I go over to the condiments. As I make my way to the table, I see that Conner is missing. When I ask them where he is, Ashlyn says something about him peeing his pants. I have no clue what that was code for, but she and my brother both laughed. Which means it’s bad. I hate that whatever it is, it’s gonna make my vacation worse.

Ashlyn keeps staring at me, so I’m avoiding eye contact. I should have never said anything about last night. It’s probably killing her not to know. I can’t tell her. Not now. Not with my brother here. Conner had to ruin that for me as well. He seems to ruin everything. But I can’t help but wonder where he went or what he did after I headed back to our hotel room last night. I should have stayed at the club. I should have made his time as miserable as he has made mine. I wish I had the courage to make him feel half of what he makes me feel. I wish I had the confidence to grab a stranger and flirt with him in front of him. Show him what humiliation feels like. But I can’t. I’m just not that type of person, and I hate that about myself.

A cell phone blares through the silence that surrounds our table. My brother shifts in his seat and pulls his cell out of his pocket. “Hey, man,” he answers and then pauses. “Yeah, we’re down here eating breakfast.” Another pause. “Okay. See you in a minute.” He hangs up his phone and places it back in his pocket.

“Who is here with you?” I ask slowly as my heart beats faster. My brother doesn’t have many friends. He did growing up but not now. His work is his life. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach ... Please God, don’t let it be who I hope it is.

“Jaycent came with me,” he says, not bothering to look up from his plate as he devours the bacon.

My eyes widen as I inhale sharply. My heart pounds even harder when he confirms my fear. Jaycent came with him? I shouldn't be surprised. They're inseparable. It’s one of many reasons I pushed him away four years ago. It’s also the reason I can’t get over him. He’s always been a fixture in my life. Then I was that young, stupid girl who fell in love with the man I couldn’t have. Until I did. It just made things worse. More complicated. My feelings more intense and my mind more confused.I had to walk away. Then add in the fact that I was with Conner when I made that mistake. I was officially a cheater. But I couldn’t stop it. Didn’t want to. Jaycent brought out a part of me I’ve had to keep hidden. But in the end, I did what was best for both of us. I asked him to walk away. And being the good guy he is, he did. Taking a piece of me in the process.

My eyes meet Ashlyn’s, and she’s looking at me strangely with her head tilted to the side. Her lips part as if to ask me a question, and I shake my head. She can see it all over my face. The way I breathe. Hell, my skin is tingling just at the mention of his name. How am I gonna get through this weekend now?

I turn my eyes down to my food as I take a deep breath. How long will he be here? How will he treat me? What if he wants to have sex again? Oh God, my thighs tighten at that thought and swallow the moan that threatens. After four years, I still have that feeling just from hearing his name. Just knowing that he’s here. I’ve been obsessed with that man for as far back as I can remember. And I know that’s not any healthier than what I have with Conner, but they say you can’t help who you fall in love with.

My body hums the moment he’s in the room. I can feel his eyes on me, and my skin burns as if touched by the sun. My palms grow sweaty, and I pull my shoulders back only to press my boobs out. And I hate that, even after all this time, my body still reacts to him this way. But it’s what I deserve—punishment.

“Hello, everyone.” His voice alone makes a blush creep up my face. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. How can I avoid him? I wish this table would swallow me up. I open my eyes, and without thought, I turn to look up at him, unable to stop myself as he stands beside the table. My heart pounds in my chest at how good he looks. Just as he did four years ago. Even better. His white t-shirt pulls at his hard chest and large arms. He wears a pair of gray shorts and tennis shoes. My mouth waters as I remember what those lips felt like on mine. What his fingers felt like when they dug into my hips. And his dick ... I suppress a moan. I’m so dead. His lips that once kissed me are smiling as his light brown eyes look down at me. I don't deserve that. But the selfish part of me welcomes it.

I push my chair back and stand, opening my arms to him, needing to feel him in my arms once again. He doesn't hesitate as he wraps his arms around me. And I bite my bottom lip to keep from moaning even though the goose bumps that cover my skin give me away. God, did he always feel this good? His arms tighten around me as his hands rub my back.

“How have you been, gorgeous?” he asks, and my knees buckle just a little at the sound of his deep voice and the way he calls me gorgeous. Like he means it. “It’s been too long,” he whispers so only I can hear, and his breath hits my ear. A shiver runs through my body as I close my eyes.

---