Page 79 of The Waiting Game

Ismael chuckled. “Sure, if you think you need that. But I meant more of the … meeting another man and getting physical with him type of working out those feelings.”

“Ahh.” Felix considered it. “I hadn’t thought about that. Yeah, no. I just don’t think I want that.”

He’d thought a lot about what Matty had said about being demisexual. Felix’s confusion about what he wanted and what he was into was sort of what had prompted the whole conversation with Matty to begin with. Guys like Nico and Dustin were bi and for them it was so clear. They liked men and women pretty equally and didn’t seem to be confused about it at all.

But Matty seemed more like Felix. Kinda into guys a tiny bit but way more into women overall.

Of course, until last night, Felix hadn’t realized Matty was demi and all that.

But that didn’t fit Felix at all.

He’d had sex with loads of strangers.

Women. But strangers definitely. And well, maybe not loads of them. But he’d gotten around enough to be sure of that.

He didn’t think there was a type of demisexual that was only for one gender. He couldn’t be demisexual for just men. Probably not anyway. He might want to google that to be sure.

“Maybe I’m Jonah-sexual,” he muttered.

Ismael choked, sputtering into his coffee.

Laughing, Felix handed him a napkin. “I’m serious!”

“I wasn’t aware that was a thing.”

“Pretty sure it’s not,” Felix admitted with a wry smile. “I just … I already have this deep emotional connection to him. I don’t want some random guy. I don’t want some random woman either. I think I want … Jonah.”

No, they hadn’t dated in college. They hadn’t experimented or hooked up or anything like everyone seemed to think.

But all of the pieces were there. The love. The connection. The support and patience. The way their lives were intertwined. Those were the things that Felix had always wanted in a romantic relationship.

He’d never thought of Jonah in that context before now but if that part was there too then … why not consider it at least?

“I just don’t know that he wants me,” Felix admitted. “He’s certainly never acted like it.”

“He’s also believed you to be absolutely, unquestionably straight,” Ismael pointed out.

“True.”

Felix fidgeted with his cup again while Ismael watched him steadily. The look in his dark eyes was kind and patient, like he was just waiting for Felix to figure his shit out.

“So, I think I like the idea of this fake relationship because it could be kind of a test run with no pressure, right?” Felix admitted. “We’ll be acting like a couple, pretending to be one, and I can sort of … test the waters of the physical stuff. See what develops. Is this crazy though?”

“Dude, under the best of circumstances, faking a relationship just to try out sex with a guy is not good for anyone involved.”

Felix blanched. “Oh God no. That’s not … I wasn’t thinking that.”

Ismael frowned. “So what were you thinking? Because that’s what it sounded like to me. And you have a history of using drinking and sex as a means to not feel so alone.”

“I know that.” Felix looked down at his cup. “But I swear, that’s not what this is. More than anything, I want the—the companionship and stability that Jonah provides. I want to figure out my feelings. I don’t want to use Jonah in any way. I just don’t think I’m sure of what I am or how I feel right now. And I wouldn’t want to lead Jonah on or let him think I might want to take our friendship in a different direction until I am sure of those things.”

“Okay,” Ismael said slowly. “That makes more sense to me.”

“Jonah deserves everything,” Felix said, leaning forward. “He deserves a guy who is ready to have this amazing, passionate, loving, committed relationship with him. The kind he’s always been looking for.”

“And you want to be that person?”

“That’s the thing,” Felix said, frustrated. “I don’t know if I do. Until recently, I never considered it. Right now, it’s all a big maybe. I just keep thinking that maybe this fake engagement could help me figure out my feelings. Figure out who I am and what I can offer someone. I wasn’t thinking sex. I was thinking about the fact that trust and intimacy and all of those things that have always been so hard for me with everyone have come easily with Jonah. So maybe this could help me learn to be better at it, whether that’s with Jonah or with someone else. But yeah, if we kiss to make the relationship look real and there’s a spark, that’ll be a good thing to know, right?”

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