Page 177 of The Waiting Game

Felix nodded, glancing over at Jonah. “I started to wonder if we could be everything.”

Surprise flickered across Jonah’s face. “I can’t be your everything, Felix.”

“No, I know that,” he admitted, leaning on the railing. “I don’t mean it that way. Just that … we could be best friends and guys who grew up together and lovers and boyfriends and maybe husbands and parents together, someday.”

“Oh.” The word came out a little breathless sounding.

“But I …” Felix swallowed hard. “I doubted myself. My ability to be that for you. I didn’t quite trust myself. So I thought that if we pretended to be engaged, we could sort of … test the waters, so to speak.”

“So this was just an experiment?” Hurt washed over Jonah’s face.

“No! God, no, not at all. I … I wanted to be sure I could be enough for you. That I could be the kind of man you needed.”

Jonah’s gaze strayed to the house. “You needed to be sure that when things got bad, you could make the right choice.”

“Yes.” Felix looked down at his hands. “I knew the playoffs would be a pressure cooker emotionally. They always are. The expectations of the head office, the fans … it’s a lot. And I’ve spent most of my career feeling like I was letting everyone down. Letting myself down.”

“I know.”

“If we won, I’d be high on it, surrounded by guys getting absolutely raging drunk and I was afraid I’d get swept up in that.”

“I get that.”

“And if we lost … well, I’d be depressed. I’d feel like I wanted to drown my sorrows. I didn’t think I would be tested like we just were … but at least now I know.” He laughed a little ruefully. “I stumbled, but I didn’t fall. And I’m proud of myself for that.”

“I’m proud of you too,” Jonah said.

Felix turned to look at him. “You always have been.”

“Of course. God, Felix, you have no idea how much I worshipped you as a kid. You were so …” He shook his head. “I don’t have words for it—I just know how you made me feel. I was so scared after I lost my parents. So lost and alone and then there you were … bright and shining and … Everyone loved you. I was just this weird loner who latched on to you but you made everyone else include me. You made them like me.”

Felix shook his head. “Maybe I did some of that but you made them like you, Jo.”

“Maybe we were just a really good team,” Jonah said softly.

“Yeah, I can’t deny that.” Felix straightened, his sore muscles protesting. “But anyway, this fake engagement was never an experiment. It was just me trying to make sure I was ready to offer you the kind of future you deserve.”

“Are you ready now?” Jonah asked, gaze filled with hope.

Felix nodded. “Yes. I am.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

“What kind of future is it that you want?” Jonah asked as they resumed walking, his head spinning with everything he and Felix had just discussed.

Was it really possible that he was about to get everything he’d ever wanted?

Felix smiled. “One where we’re together.”

Jonah laughed softly. “That much I’d figured out.”

“You are pretty smart,” Felix said.

But Jonah grew serious. “Actually, before we get into all that, I should say I’m sorry first.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Jonah said thickly.

---