Page 178 of The Waiting Game

“Um, for what, exactly?” Felix raised an eyebrow.

“For the way I acted in the past few days. For pushing you away when I should have leaned on you and let you in.”

“Jo …”

“No, I need to say this, Felix. I fucked up.” Jonah sighed. “You’re always so ready to forgive my faults and see the best in me and I love that about you, but that doesn’t mean I don’t screw up sometimes. It doesn’t mean I didn’t screw up this time. Badly.”

Jonah looked away. “I talked to Grandma earlier. About why I do that. I think I’ve pushed people away because I was scared to lose them. Scared of the pain of people dying. Scared the people I let close will be gone when I need them. And you know, it makes sense, right? Losing my parents, then losing Grandpa Cho … it’s been really scary. And admitting to myself that I’m going to lose my grandma too …”

He swallowed hard. “And that it’s going to happen sooner, rather than later. She’s right, she’s not young. She’s only going to live so long. And I’m fucking terrified of the pain of losing another person I love. Maybe it felt safer to be alone.”

“You’re not alone though!” Felix protested. “I’m right here. I’ve always been here.”

“Yeah, but I’m … there’s no guarantee of that either.”

Felix opened his mouth and Jonah held up a hand. “Please, let me finish this before I chicken out. I might lose you, Felix. Even if we make a commitment to be together, we could break up. It happens.”

Looking like he was tempted to argue, Felix nodded but didn’t speak.

Jonah continued. “I could lose you a lot of other ways, too. You could start drinking again and not be able to stop. I hope that doesn’t happen. I believe you when you say that you will keep trying, but we can’t ignore that possibility.”

“True.”

“And we play a dangerous sport. Something could go horribly wrong in a game. We saw what happened with Nico. And no, that wasn’t because of an injury but …”

“But it could happen,” Felix agreed. “Or one of us could get sick. Or in a car accident.”

“Exactly.” Jonah swallowed hard. “Or a plane crash. There are so many ways I could lose you.”

Felix turned to Jonah, catching his hand. “But what if we chose to be together anyway? To face whatever it is together.? To choose each other, no matter what?”

“I want that,” Jonah whispered. “I’m just fucking scared.”

“You think I’m not scared, Jo?” Felix looked at the sky, blinking. “My own fucking parents made me feel like I’m not enough. Made me convinced that I’m a disappointment. And the woman I loved chose her career over me. I can understand it now—shit, it’s not like I didn’t do the same to her—but that doesn’t mean I’m not still scarred from it. And terrified of losing you. Or of fucking up things so badly that even you walk away from me.”

Felix dragged in a ragged breath. “But I’m choosing you anyway. For better or for worse.”

“Felix,” Jonah whispered, his voice even thicker now. He pulled him close, resting their foreheads together. “God, you’ve always been so brave.”

“Only to hide how scared I am,” Felix murmured.

“Then we’ll be afraid together. But either brave enough—or maybe stupid enough—to risk it anyway,” Jonah said fiercely.

Felix laughed wetly and lifted his head. His eyes shone as he looked at Jonah.

“I’d happily spend my life being stupid with you.”

Jonah laughed too. “Well, we’re off to a good start already.”

“Yeah, we are.” Felix leaned in and brushed his lips across Jonah’s.

Jonah closed his eyes and kissed him back. It was slow and sweet and Jonah felt the promise of so many more kisses to come.

“Do you forgive me?” he whispered.

“Of course I do. I love you.” Felix lifted his head. “And this might sound strange but I’m glad we went through this really rough period to get to where we are now.”

“Yeah?”

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