Page 38 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

“Slater,” I murmured steadily, afraid I was going to make it worse. “Nothing has to change. This was us enjoying ourselves. We’re adults who consented.” He was on the verge of a panic attack. I could tell by the wild look in his eyes and the way his lips parted to suck in a breath. He was going to bolt. Cody would beat himself up if that happened.

Cody slid onto the couch between Slater and me, gently putting his hand on Slater’s bare knee. I couldn’t see the look on Cody’s face, although I could hear the fear and longing in his voice. “Please don’t leave. We don’t have to talk or do anything else. We can sit and watch a movie, have a snack, or even sit outside. Whatever you want. Just don’t push us away.”

“I shouldn’t…”

“What do you want?”

“Not to be alone.”

“Then you won’t be. Let’s get dressed and we’ll do whatever you want.”

“Are you sure?”

Cody nodded. “Absolutely.”

We sorted through the clothes to find our own, trading a few pieces along the way, and got dressed. I chewed my bottom lip while I thought of what we could do. Cody had a good idea. I wasn’t used to having to think of fun date things. Dinner was easy. This, now, fuck if I had a clue. We already fooled around and combusted. My knowledge of the situation went out my dick with my cum.

“I have games,” Slater said.

I glanced toward the TV, where two different gaming systems sat beneath it.

“Not those. Board games. It’s old-fashioned. Sometimes they keep my mind busier than playing video games. When I have too much time to think, my anxiety gets worse and right now…” He let out a shuddering breath. “I’m too close to losing it. I’d rather occupy myself instead.”

“We can do that,” Cody said. “Show us where they are.”

Slater went to a low, long cabinet along the wall to my left. It was rustic in appearance like the rest of his place, with dark metal handles on deep, chocolate-colored wood. He pulled open the doors, revealing a treasure trove of games.

“Candy Land!” I said excitedly and rushed over. “It’s the original one.” Kneeling on the floor in front of the cabinet, I pulled it out and ran my hand over the lid. The edges of the box weren’t worn like the one in my memory, but the game was the same. How many hours did I spend playing this when I was younger?

“Milo?” Cody asked. I hadn’t realized he was crouching beside me, or that my eyes had gotten misty.

“My mom used to play this with Hale and me. Her game was older. The corner of the box was torn. We couldn’t part with it after everything but hadn’t been able to take it out and play it again either.”

“We don’t have to,” Slater said, coming up behind Cody.

“No, she’d want me to.”

17

SLATER

I always thought I had to be doing something, keeping myself busy to keep the panic from getting worse. I’d obsessively cook, bake, take care of the yard, run errands, whatever it took. I did it because it beat the alternative of the panic attack taking over completely and me living in fear until it passed. Even then, I’d be wrung out and exhausted.

Sitting in front of Cody and Milo while they playfully argued over which of them got to go first for Candy Land, I realized I didn’t need to be doing anything. I could simply watch them, and my anxiety fell to the background. This was innocent fun, a vast difference from the way we sprawled on the couch not long ago.

In the end, I went first because they couldn’t decide. We played two rounds of Candy Land before moving on to Monopoly. That was when Cody started yawning. My hand went to his arm to get his attention. I could have done the same thing with words. Touching him was a guilty pleasure, even if it was completely innocent.

He turned my way, his curls landing on his forehead. I knew what they felt like now. Soft and springy. I could spend hours with my fingers running through his hair.

“You’re tired,” I told him.

“I get up early. Not every day, but some mornings I get there first to open. That was today. We don’t have a twenty-four-hour gym.”

“Go home. Get a good night’s rest.”

The longing in his eyes, the way they begged for me to offer him to stay here. Fuck, it was nearly my undoing. Not that I didn’t want him and Milo to stay. I did, so much. But staying meant feelings and feelings meant we were crossing the line I shouldn’t with him. Though, hadn’t I already done that for months when I couldn’t stop thinking about him?

Us keeping it to sex was a line in the sand. Just sex. And innocent fun like this. A relationship implied intimate touches, soft kisses, hugs, warmth, and eventually love. The ache inside me was almost unbearable. It ate away at me, gnawing at my insides. The relief I could find in both their arms would make me whole. But in doing so would damage them.

---