Page 39 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

He blinked and turned away, but not before I saw the pain there.

“Cody…”

“You’re right. I should go.” He pushed his chair back. “You stay, Milo. I’ll get a ride.” Lifting his phone from the table, he started typing on it.

Milo put his hand over the screen. “You’re not getting a ride. I’ll drive you.” He started to put away the game, but I waved him off.

“I’ll take care of it.” Cody wasn’t the only one hurting. Telling him to leave was the smart thing to do. That didn’t mean my heart wasn’t being carved from my chest.

“You two really aren’t going to talk, are you?” Milo asked.

Unable to bring myself to look at him, I replied, “Nothing to talk about.”

“Right,” he scoffed. “If that’s how you want to play it.”

My head lifted, my gaze snapping to his. “I’m not playing anything. I’m trying to do what’s best for everyone involved.”

“What’s that?” Cody asked, his voice rising. “How do you know what’s best for me when you can’t see past your own hang-ups? That’s what they are, right? They’re certainly not mine or Milo’s. Or is it that you don’t want me like you do him? I thought tonight proved that wasn’t the case. But what the fuck do I know? I’m just a kid, right?” He stood and went for the door.

“Cody, stop.” I was on my feet too, chasing after him. He didn’t stop moving until he was in the driveway on the side of my house, the one that faced Dash’s.

“You’re an asshole, you know?”

“I do. You’re right, the hang-ups are mine. They’re for a good reason. Did you ever think what people will say about you when they find out you’re with me? How they’re going to rip apart every aspect of your life and bring up your past? The pain that will cause you, I don’t want it to happen.”

He spun, showing me his anger, his frustration, written all over his face and in his body language. From his clenched fists to his rigid posture, I waited for him to hit me. “I don’t care. Don’t you realize that has already happened to me? When your family is murdered like mine was, when I caused a scene in the ER, that was all over the news. Everyone knew!” he yelled. “What the fuck are they going to dig up that’s new? That I’m dating you? Who gives a shit!”

I looked him in the eye, letting him see I was serious. “What would you say if I told you I gave a shit? That I didn’t want someone to do that to you or to Milo? I know what it’s like to have every inch of my life gone through. To have people pick apart my shoes, my fucking eyebrows, the way I comb my damn hair. They judge me and not on a small scale. The words they say, it’s easy for some to brush off. Not me. I feel them. The damage they inflict is real. So no, I can’t ignore them. I’ve never been able to. When they say shit about people I care about, I’m going to want to protect them, and I can’t if they won’t let me. I also can’t attack a reporter or yell at a photographer. I have to smile and pretend everything is fucking perfect while I know the genuine hatred that exists.”

“It’s not for you to judge what I can and can’t handle. What I’m hearing from you is what you can deal with. What you don’t want to go through. Don’t you torture yourself enough? Slater, you’re fucking amazing. I get that you can’t brush off their words, but maybe Milo and I can buffer them from you.”

Shaking my head, I said, “No, you can’t. Even if you stopped me from hearing or reading everything else, the words from the past are still up here.” I tapped my temple. “Eating at me, reminding me why I need to be just so for everyone else. It’s not just about me. It’s about the band too. My parents. Our friends. Everything we do touches them.”

“We don’t care, Slay,” I heard my brother say a moment before he stepped out of the shadows. “Sorry, I heard yelling and came over.” He gave Cody an up nod. “You okay?”

“Yeah.”

A hand pressed to my lower back. I peered over my shoulder and found Milo there. “The entire world could hate me, and I wouldn’t care. I work in what most people consider a strip club. They don’t look past it to the skill of the dancers or the money they make doing a job they love. I’m used to being judged. Is it right? No, but the world won’t change anytime soon. They thrive on gossip and their own judgment. The level you and the band get is just on a bigger scale than mine.”

“I don’t like it,” I whispered. “People watching me, waiting for me to fuck up. Or waiting for me to date so they can tear apart who I’m with. I’m not good at letting it roll off me. When I’m on stage, I soak it in. I love the lights and the music, the screams of the fans. God, it feeds my soul. With that is the other side of it. The fans that claw at us to try to get us to take them to bed. Who slip us numbers and come on to us so they can live out a fantasy. Sure, I’ve given in repeatedly, but they left me hollow. I go from loving one part to hating the other. Dash is good at letting it go.” I looked at my brother. “I wish I could be more like you. The way you love social media and give the fans the smile and attention they crave. You leave it behind when you step away from the stage or your phone.”

“Not always,” he said. “In the beginning, I couldn’t.”

“Yes, but you grew. You got better. What the hell have I done?”

“Hey,” Cody said, drawing my attention to him. He stepped up to me, a fierce look in his eyes. His hand went to the back of my neck as he pressed his forehead to mine. “You want to know what you’ve done?” he whispered. “Every time you get on the stage or release an album, you show people that dreams do come true. That they can live their authentic life without worry. You don’t let people stop you from being with anyone. You’re pan and damn proud of it, as you should be.”

“That’s different.”

“It’s not, because it’s part of you. It’s one you won’t compromise on or hide. Apply that to the other aspects, to me and Milo, and to the criticism. You have to trust Milo and I can handle what comes our way. If we can’t, we say something. No matter where you go or what you do, rock star or not, people will judge. A guy came into the gym today, took one look at me, and asked me to get my dad. I was dismissed because of my age, regardless of the experience I have.”

“Shit.” I closed my eyes as emotion choked me. Didn’t I do the same thing to him?

“I didn’t get Xaiden. Instead, I asked him what he was looking for, then went into an overly detailed presentation of the gym, what we offer, and so on. By the time I was done, he wasn’t looking at me like I didn’t know my shit. If I have to convince people one at a time, I will.” He didn’t need to say he’d convince me too. The unspoken words were there, lingering between us, no need to be voiced.

“Cody, I’m sorry.”

“Me too, Slater, because tonight was amazing… until it wasn’t.” He pulled away, releasing me, then focused on Milo. “I’ll be in the car.”

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