Page 20 of Ballads of Lines Blurred

I hung my head. “You wouldn’t. You have Cas and El. Dash has Tris and Romeo. I’m alone. Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in silence. If I stop moving, stop doing whatever task I gave myself before I’m exhausted, I worry. Thinking about shit that shouldn’t have space up here.” I tapped my temple. “It’s fucking ridiculous. I hate having anxiety.”

“Nothing about you is ridiculous. You look at yourself and see the bad. I look at you and see my best friend. You’re one of a kind, Slay.”

“He’s telling the truth.”

Lifting my head again, I found Cody standing behind Reed. Cody was slightly taller and broader, more muscular. His curls were brushed back from his face and his eyes were a little red. Shit, did I say something to upset him? What was wrong with me?

I shook my head and ran the water to keep myself occupied from getting lost in his beautiful eyes. My hands weren’t dirty, but I washed them all the same, taking extra time to slowly dry them. When I glanced at the doorway again, Reed was gone, but Cody remained.

“He’s a call away if you want him to come back,” Cody said, like he was waiting for me to dismiss him and beg for Reed’s return. Cody had already witnessed one of my less than stellar moments. What was more of the same? If I was going down, it might as well be in a glorious ball of anxiety.

“It’s fine,” I told him.

Cody moved aside so I could leave the bathroom. My bed called my name. It was a California king with far too much room, but I bought it that way for a reason. Too many days and nights I panicked and had one of the guys in it with me, holding me through the worst of it. This way when I calmed, and they wanted to stay, they didn’t have to be pressed against me. And they stayed. They’d sleep by my side until the morning came when I was more settled than the night before. Embarrassment didn’t exist where they were concerned. It hadn’t in a long time.

I sat on the edge of the bed, facing the bathroom, but focused on my hands. “The song… I’m sorry.” He wasn’t meant to hear it yet. Not until the finishing touches were on it and it was on the album. At least then I could pass it off as a group effort. I could hide behind the band. Here… today… he knew that wasn’t the case.

“Don’t apologize for your words. They were beautiful.” He didn’t need me to tell him they were for him. It was obvious by what Reed sang. “The thing is, you don’t have to wonder what could have been.”

“Cody…” I took a deep breath and let it out. “Why did you come here?” I didn’t bother to ask how he knew where I lived. If he contacted one of the guys, they would tell him, thinking it would help me. Truth was, I wasn’t sure what would make me feel better anymore. I still went to therapy, still managed my anxiety the best I could. It would never go away though. It was a matter of living with it. Some days were worse than others. I lived for the ones where I felt good.

Being with Milo the other day was great and easy. He kept things light and was fun. Until I flirted with him, and Cody saw us.

“I’m not letting you push me away,” Cody said.

It was like a light bulb went off when he said the words. There was an immediate flashback to when Reed said it to Casper countless times. Yet Casper kept pushing and Reed kept returning.

“I’m hurting you,” I said. “I never want to hurt you. It…” I sucked in a shuddering breath. “It pains me to think I upset you. I don’t want to do that, but I can’t be who you need.” There was no point in fighting the tears.

Cody stepped closer, causing me to tense, unsure of what he was going to do. Gentle fingers went to my hair, sweeping it off my forehead. “Instead of thinking you know what I want, why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” His voice was calm, much steadier than I felt. “You’re scared, Slater. You think I’m going to see you have a panic attack and run because I can’t handle it. Believe me when I tell you, I can take much more than you can dish out.”

I didn’t know what to say. I’d already spoken about our age difference, about how I wasn’t good enough for him. Anything else would be repetitive. He’d heard me before. So, I sat silent with his hand running through my hair as tears cascaded down my cheeks and my body trembled beneath his touch. I was stuck somewhere between panic and needing more of him.

He pressed in a little closer, slightly tugging on my hair as he did, so I’d tip my head back and look up at him. Scruff covered his jaw, lip, and cheeks. His skin was flawless. The look in his eyes was unyielding. I couldn’t turn away.

His body fit between my thighs, making me spread them wider so he could get close. God, what I wouldn’t give to taste his lips. To drown in him and let the world fall away. Us being like this wasn’t smart. I should pull back, tell him to go.

“Don’t,” he whispered. “I can feel you tensing. I’m not leaving unless you truly don’t want me here. By the way your hands are clutching my thighs, I don’t think that’s the case.”

My fingers flexed on the athletic shorts he wore. I hadn’t realized I was touching him. He was magnetic, and I couldn’t resist the pull. Instead of releasing him, I held on tighter, refusing to listen to the voice in my head telling me I should stop this now.

9

CODY

I was done overthinking every little thing. Now I was simply going with what felt right. My hand in Slater’s hair, the other lifting to brush over his cheek. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

“Tell me what you need,” I said. I’d drop to my knees, beg and plead, give him whatever he wanted, as long as he didn’t shut me out.

“Don’t leave.”

“Baby, you couldn’t drag me away under gunpoint.” The term of endearment rolled easily off my tongue.

His face turned stormy, his fingers gripping my legs harder. “Don’t joke about that.”

“I’m sorry. Of all people, I should know better.”

“Shit. I shouldn’t have said that.”

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