Page 38 of Dare to be Different

But then he had to go on and on about energy and vibes, and suddenly, all that shit started making sense to me. I got swept up in the atmosphere of his show, watching him in pleasure, seeing him succumb to the energy he created with the help of Cara and Cody, and a desperate part of me wanted to belong to that. To be involved in it. To act without thinking, basing my reactions on the senses I picked up from the situation around me. Just like he does.

I got swept up in the moment, and it barely even took any urging from Cara and Cody for me to drop to my knees in front of my best friend and take a dick into my mouth for the first time. Because Zahn was right earlier when he said it was about chemistry. I fucking felt that chemistry all the way down to the marrow of my bones, and there was no part of me that night that wanted to deny it. For that night only, I took a page out of Zahn’s book and allowed myself to be open-minded, brave, and influenced by the things going on around me.

And it ended with him coming down my throat.

Would I have done it if he wasn’t blindfolded? Would he have wanted me to do it if he’d had any say? Fuck!

I freaked out over it for days without letting him know, and now it’s come out of my mouth like an angry waterfall, churning up the pool at the bottom and drowning me in confused feelings.

I don’t know my sexuality.

I don’t know how he’s going to react.

I don’t know where we stand.

I’m sinking, and he’s still staring at me like he can’t find any words and isn’t willing to latch onto any specific feelings about it.

He swallows, clearing his head. The green of his eyes goes from glazed to crystal clear, the shock of the news bringing sobriety. “You what?” Fury, confusion, shock, and… something else all cross his face, leaving me with no clear picture. “You did what?”

I said it once, I can’t say it again. “Fuck!” I hate myself for doing it, for admitting it, and for being so ashamed of it. “Fuck!”

“Remy! Tell me what the fuck you mean,” he demands, stepping closer to me.

I can’t. I don’t have the balls to verbally make it come out again. I run my fingers through my hair, tugging the strands in an attempt to shock my own mind back into clarity. Anxiety is almost worse than dread, and they’re both fighting for dominance within me, worsening the panic. Because maybe there’s still a tiny chance that he thinks I’m joking and I can backpedal my way out of this.

“Remy.” He grabs my shoulder, but I’m shrugging him off as a knee-jerk reaction. He doesn’t let me. He grabs both of my shoulders, clamps his hands tight, and looks me straight in the eyes. “Tell me what the fuck you did, Remy, because from where I’m standing, it sounds like you…”

“Don’t fucking push me!” I shove him back, but he comes at me even harder. “Fuck you, Zahn! Fuck you for not dropping it!” I shove him so hard he falls on his ass between the two beds, looking up at me like I just broke him.

He glares at me the whole time he climbs to his feet. “You better fucking clarify something for me, Remy. Because I sure as fuck know you do not mean what I think you mean.” His chest heaves and his fists ball.

“Fuck you,” I say again, unsure what else to add. I need to run. “You heard me.”

“Oh,” he scoffs, letting out a crazed huff of laughter. “I fucking heard you alright.” He’s right in front of me, chest to chest, eye level with my glare. “You said you did it. Right? So confirm that for me, Remy. Did you…” he swallows the question, not brave enough to ask it.

“Yeah.”

His eyes shoot to mine again. “You sucked my cock?” he finally asks. “Remy, did you suck my fucking cock?”

My turn to clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. I want to kill him for asking for clarification. I want to hate myself for mentioning it in the first place. Doing it! For fuck’s sake, what had I been thinking? I’m three seconds from hyperventilating, and I can’t tell if I’m more angry at him or myself. I thought I could handle this conversation, but the truth is, I can’t grasp this new, fucked-up reality where the outcome isn’t clear and our friendship is threatened.

“Remy! Answer me!”

I shove him a third time, and when he doesn’t get far, I take a swing at him. He grabs my wrists and pins my back to the door. Eye contact has never been hard with Zahn, but right now, it’s impossible. So, acting on anger once again, I push and push and shove until he trips over one of our bags and lands on his ass for the second time.

“Yeah,” I say, standing over him. “I did. I sucked your fucking cock.” I grab my boots and my coat, hoping the truck keys are somewhere in the pockets, and then force myself to look at him again. “Don’t follow me.”

My breath shakes as soon as I close the door behind me, and tears of either worry or anger or shame brim in my eyes as I sling my coat on and step into my boots.

Fear, like I’ve never known it before, consumes me. I’m scared. I’m really scared.

So I try to work off that fear by walking around the building. The snow whips my face, burning it until my cheeks are perma-red, and my lack of socks doesn’t help with my frozen toes. I didn’t even grab the right boots on my way out; these are Zahn’s, and they’re old as shit because he’s too lazy to buy a new pair. The walk isn’t helping, so I unlock the truck, start it, and turn the headlights off so they don’t lead Zahn to me.

Will he even come looking?

Alone in the cold and the dark, I rub my hands together, trying to calm down enough to think rationally. But when that fails, I pull my phone from my pocket, crank the heat, and call one of the only two people I can think of to talk about this with.

When Rayne doesn’t answer, I call Laken. She’s someone who can talk me into going back inside to face Zahn and the mistake I made.

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