Page 83 of Goodbye Note

He liked that I groaned.

I forgot how to breathe.

I moved my hands to his hair, running my fingers through his curls, grasping the back of his neck. I wished it wasn’t so dark. That I could see the way he looked at me. Have some security in his eyes. A part of me still believed this couldn’t be real.

We broke apart but stayed forehead to forehead. Both of us gasping. His fingertips dug into my cheekbones, to the point I feared they’d leave marks. I selfishly wanted them while my hand slipped around to grip the back of his neck with just as much force.

I tried to kiss him again as my breathing slowed, but he turned his face. Only a little, but enough to make my lips find the edge of his mouth. “Arik?” Fear edged into my chest, constricting it.

“Sorry.” He closed his eyes but didn’t pull away.

“Don’t be sorry.” I forced myself not to clutch him tighter. I couldn’t be desperate. No one liked fucking needy.

He stroked his thumb over my cheekbone. “I don’t…”

“It’s okay.” I didn’t even know what I was trying to absolve him from.

“It’s not.” He pulled back, slipping from my fingers. “I think I’m…lonely.” Sorrow poured from him as he leaned back. He pressed his palms into his eyes, rubbing them.

“It’s hard to be on the road and alone. I get it. I am too.” I searched for words, not sure any of them would help. He knew I liked guys, so did this make me look like I was just trying to hook up with him? I hated that the idea might even be in his brain.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Arik was spiraling. I could see it plain as day.

“Why are you sorry?”

It was like he didn’t hear me or process what I’d said.

He just went on. “I don’t want to fuck up our friendship, and I know I’m lonely. I’m so sorry I crossed a line like that. I don’t know what came over me.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” I said, already feeling my world closing in.

Why did I lie? But I’d have said anything in that moment to make it not stop.

His gaze flickered to mine, searching. “What do you mean?”

I lifted my shoulders, reeling. What was the right thing to say? I didn’t fucking know. “It’s just making out. It’s not a big deal. Friends can make out, right?” I shut my mouth. I sounded like an idiot. Fuck.

“Can they?”he asked.

“Why not?” I had to double down now.

He dropped his hands away from his face. “But I’m not…”

“What?”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m tired. We should go to bed…” He trailed off, fucking with his hair.

“Do you want me to?—”

He cut me off before I could finish. “No. You said it’s not a thing, right?”

I nodded, not sure what I should even say. “I can take the couch…”

“I don’t want to get up early. I haven’t slept in days. I think I need to be in my bunk…” He searched my face, but I didn’t know what he was getting at. He didn’t want me to go, but he wanted to be in his bunk.

“What are you saying?”

His lips parted, but he didn’t speak right away. “I don’t want you to go.”

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