Page 84 of Goodbye Note

“Okay…” What else could I say?

He pressed past me, shoulders brushing, and pulled open the heavy curtain to his bunk. He glanced back, giving me a long, lingering look before lifting himself onto the mattress.

I stepped forward, putting sweaty palms on the edge of the cubby, waiting to be told no, but he moved to the back wall and clicked on the TV screen. I slipped into bed in one quick motion, stretching out on the mattress but staying far away from him, which wasn’t easy to do on the tiny twin without falling out. I pulled the shade, draping us in the low light.

He messed with the tiny screen, putting on a movie I didn’t recognize. It didn’t matter what it was, just background noise. All the bands had started trading disks around after the first two weeks, sick of what they brought and desperate for anything else. So we always ended up watching a mismatch of questionable taste.

He had his eyes on the screen and didn’t say a word, so I adjusted my pillow, figuring it was best if I tried to sleep and forget about it. If I started overthinking now, I’d never sleep.

“Are you even attracted to guys?” I said stupidly before I could make myself sleep.

“Maybe?”

“How is that a maybe?” It’s attraction, right? You know or you don’t.

“I don’t think I’ve ever liked dick. It kinda freaks me out. But I like guy’s chests and…”

“Say it,” I demanded, more harshly than I’d meant to.

He turned his head, searching my face. “I liked kissing you.” He said it almost defiantly.

I stared at him, not sure what to say.

“You can tell me to get fucked and that you’re not my experiment.” He returned his attention to the movie.

“I didn’t say that.” An edge came with my voice. Like we’d tiptoed over some unseen line, both of us trying not to offend the other.

“Maybe I’m just lonely, like I said. I’m not trying to be a shitty friend.”

“I didn’t say that either.” I paused for a second, then added, “What makes you think you’re being a shitty friend?”

“I don’t think most people want to make out and cuddle with their best friend. I don’t want you to feel like I’m using you until I find a girl.”

“Did I say something to make you feel like that?”

“I don’t think anyone wants to be used. People want commitments, not experiments.” Arik still wouldn’t look at me.

“We’re both single. We spend a lot of time together. It’s easy. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

That got his attention. He rolled toward me. “What are you saying?”

“What are you saying?”

“No.” He shook his head. “Tell me what you mean.”

My mouth went dry. “What’s wrong with a little making out between friends?” I tried to play it off like it didn’t mean anything to me, but I felt like he could see through my words. He knew me better than my brother. He had to know I was lying.

“And it’s not an issue for you?” he asked carefully.

“What isn’t?”

“That cock freaks me out.”

“No,” I said much too quickly. “What did you want out of this?”

“I like how you feel wrapped around me. And I like kissing you.”

“So let’s do that. No strings attached.” I scooted closer to him so he didn’t see me getting hard.

---