Page 58 of Goodbye Note

“No, I get it. The world is trash. People shouldn’t even have to come out because it doesn’t matter. Are you out? Not that I’d spread it around, but I do want to know what’s safe.” Arik was too good for this world, and it only made me like him more.

“To the band I am. Not to anyone else. I’m sure Dylan knows or assumes. He spends enough time with us. Our manager knows. He’s reiterated what we already knew about the music industry being homophobic and that it would really impact our shit with them if I was super open about it. It’s run by a bunch of old white dudes. And they told us we all need to appear single anyway, so it’s not like I’d be dating anyone publicly.” I knew all of this before I got into music. I’d grown up in this world. So it wasn’t a surprise.

“Is it really that bad? I’ve never thought about it.”

“If you’re straight, you don’t really have to,” I muttered, fixed on whether he’d deny it.

“Which is also shit. Everyone should care about that double standard.” Arik gave the most noncommittal answer he possibly could have.

Fuck.

Of course, I assumed he was straight, but I wanted to know for sure. I wanted to be able to close the door in my mind. But since he’d had so many opportunities to come out in return, I had to assume he was either straight or didn’t want to say anything.

“It is utter crap,” I replied, keeping my feelings close to my chest. My dad told me a long time ago I’d never make it if I was queer in this business, and if I really wanted to make it, I’d better fix that part of myself. I’d never told him, but somehow he suspected. More confirmation no one would ever put me first. I was broken on too many levels. So I’d bask in the glow of our friendship as long as he’d have me.

Arik adjusted, stretching out, which moved him a few inches closer. My pulse thrummed in my throat. My gaze trailed over him in the low light.

Why did it feel so good to be this close to him?

How did one person feel like all the atoms in the universe conspired to make stardust? Stardust entirely designed to make me happy. One person shouldn’t feel this fucking good.

Our silence wasn’t uncomfortable. The bus moved, and the white noise of the road pressed in around us. The steady vibration of travel. The only one that lulled me to sleep.

Arik tapped my shoulder, and I realized I’d closed my eyes.

“Hmmm?” I muttered, opening one.

“Mind if I change the music?”

“I won’t hold it against you if you turn off my music.” I wished the lighting was better so I could see how it looked like this. Memorize his face.

He half sat up and rustled around in the little cubby by our feet, his hip bumping into my thighs. I dug my phone out and sent my brother a quick text to tell him where I was, then I tried to scoot back to give him more room but flailed as I lost my balance, about to fall out of the cubby.

He grabbed my arm, saving me from the fall. “I was trying to get out of your way?”

“By sleeping in the hallway? That might annoy everyone else,” he teased, not letting go of my arm.

“You really want me here. Taking up your bed?” My tone turned serious while his was playful. I cringed, not wanting to darken the mood.

“Yes.”

“Really?” It was hard to believe. Maybe it shouldn’t have been. There were tons of groupies waiting after every show to fuck either one of us, and yet, I’d rather be here.

“I’ve never wanted anything more,” he said so softly I thought I’d imagined it.

Why sat on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t make myself say it. I couldn’t seek more validation with the risk I’d lose it.

Sleep pulled at me to the soft sounds of the post-hardcore album Arik put on.

Some time later I rolled, arm brushing bare skin. Hot breath fanned over my pillow, sweet like cinnamon. The Tic Tacs he always popped while everyone else smoked.

My first instinct was to pull back, but the touch of skin against skin and the warmth his body gave off… Comfort in chaos.

Carefully, as to not disturb him, I readjusted, stretching out to lay on my stomach, my shoulder against his unabashedly. A smile played on my lips, savoring a happy moment in a sea of mediocre.

* * *

A groan sounded in my ear, and a body shifted closer.

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