Page 22 of Goodbye Note

“I wouldn’t lie to you.” He shoved to his feet, taking it from my hands to put it on the record player. “Your pain whispers familiar.”

“What is it about broken people that we recognize each other?”

“We feel like home and whole people can never understand the pain layered under our skin. It’s too hard to explain it to them. They are exhausting.” Varian set the vinyl spinning, and we both watched the colors swirl like a star exploding.

“And we become artists to share our pain with others like us, so we know we aren’t alone.” I turned away so he wouldn’t see the emotion on my face.

"In another century, you would have been an opera singer.”

“No way. I don’t have the range for that.” I smiled in spite of myself.

“Helping another generation of broken kids survive long enough to create.”

“Ain’t that the fucking truth. Last year, I wanted to swallow every pill I had instead of taking one more test heading full speed toward a light I didn’t want. I listened to ‘No Leaf Clover’ off S&M on repeat so much, I broke the fucking tape.” I hummed the chorus.

“To remind yourself there isn’t a white light?”

“To tell myself the white light is a myth. Like maybe—” I paused, lost in thought. “It’s a reminder that there is no easy out of anything. Even death is just passing off your pain. It’s not getting rid of it. It doesn’t solve anything. And I don’t want to give my burden to anyone else.”

“Fuck, that’s deep. I need to smoke a bowl and think about that for a few hours.” Varian laughed.

I forced a smile. “I don’t mean to be like that. I don’t want to ruin your night?—”

He cut me off. “Don’t you fucking dare. The night we met, I trauma-dumped on you; I don’t think anything is off limits with us.”

“I’ll take that bowl now if you really have one.”

“Fuck, yes. But we got to smoke outside, though. I swear my gran has the nose of a fucking drug dog. She’d be out of a dead sleep and down here in half a second.” He slid out a couple of records to retrieve a box wedged behind them.

“Is she like that because of your parents?”

“She buys into all the bullshit that it’s a gateway drug. Like my mom’s fucking meth problem was anything other than my dad’s doing.” He packed the bowl and stepped outside.

I took a seat on the steps next to him as he held a lighter to the bowl. “Mine probably would too if they knew anything about it. But they are pretty isolated from drug use in their world. Not too many lawyers know anything about doing hard drugs. Maybe coke, but we don’t talk about what the rich white people do for fun.”

“Touché.”

“How did things end up going with Nicole?” He passed the bowl.

My upper lip curled. “She’s been telling me it was a mistake and trying to get me to work things out. She even offered me a free pass, which is a fucking lie. She’d never be okay with me sleeping with someone else.”

His head snapped around, eyes narrowing. “How do you feel about it?”

That didn’t feel like what he really wanted to say.

“I don’t know. I told her I was taking the summer off. I wasn’t going to fight the whole time I was gone and have her blowing up my phone because she sees a picture of some stupid shit.” I took another hit, then draped myself over the stairs.

“You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling.”

I picked up my head to look at him. “What?”

“Your feelings are valid, whatever they are. Hurt, anger, still loving her. It’s all allowed.”

My forehead creased. “Thank you.”

Varian shifted to lean back next to me in the tiny stairwell, shoulder to shoulder. “You’re welcome.”

“I’m going to do what I want for the summer. Maybe I’ll feel better after I fuck a bunch of strangers.”

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