Page 23 of Goodbye Note

He laughed, but it was strained. “You think?”

“You tell me? You’re the one who was on a massive tour. How was it?”

He thought for a long time before answering, but I didn’t press, waiting for his answer. “It got old fast. Maybe it’s for some people. I like to drink and hang out, but there is also something extremely lonely about it. It lacks connection.” He shifted, causing our shoulders to rub together, sending a bolt of electricity through my veins. “You lived in the scene. Grew up in it like I did. You had it too. I don’t think it’s that different on tour.”

“I don’t do well alone. I bounced around a lot before I met Nicole and hated it.” I sighed.

“She was a scene girl but hated it?”

“That was an act for her social media. She liked the persona while dating me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” I didn’t understand it, so I couldn’t really explain it. “So what you’re telling me is I’ll be miserable on this break?”

“Nah, you’ll have me. You won’t be alone.”

I twisted, drawing us closer. “I’m a needy motherfucker. Don’t tempt me.”

“I like it.”

We went back inside and our music choices turned slow. Val came home but went back to his bed, giving Varian a silent look as he passed. Varian lifted his shoulders, clearly answering some question. They were closer than my brother and I.

We settled on the couch, talking about our lives and bands, the ways we wrote music, and everything in between.

“What was that look?” I asked.

“Nothing.” He fought a smile I didn’t understand.

“Still not going to tell me your kinks?” I asked, redirecting if he wasn’t going to answer.

“What do you want to know?” His voice was husky with sleep.

“By the lake you said something about your kinks… What did you mean?”I’d been dying to ask him.

“Who doesn’t like when someone says please.” Varian laid his head back and turned it to look at me. “The weed is inhibiting all my good judgment so I’m answering instead of pretending to be asleep.”

“Too late to take it back.” I felt warm all over. “I have so many questions.”

“You’ll have to wait ‘til Warped. I’ll answer them there.”

“Deal.”

The perfect night.

I wanted a million more as we drifted.

“I should give you the couch, let you have room.”

“Don’t go,” I murmured.

“Are you sure?”

SIX

VARIAN

I replayed the night in my head over and over for the next month. I searched for reasons to go to Chicago or to reach out.

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