Page 211 of Goodbye Note

starved FOR a light only your fingers could bring

you say goodbye the coward’s way

how many oceans will we cross to escape one another?

(echos out) EXISTING in this hellscape

I didn’t shower, ready to be alone with Varian the second I walked off the stage. We slipped out the back before fans even got outside, getting in our car.

“Why are those songs hard to sing in front of me?” Varian asked once the door was closed.“Are you ashamed of it?”

“What?” I asked, worried he meant our history.

“The lyrics.”

“Not ashamed, but some of them I wrote because I wanted to hurt you.” I risked a side glance.

“I deserved it.”

“I hate that I still feel them.”

He pressed his lips above my ear. “It’s part of our history. We have to accept all the parts of ourselves.”

“Why are you the wise one today?” I asked, leaning into his lips.

“I think we’ll both have our days.” He slid his hand into mine.

I lived for the little intimacies. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed them.

“At least I was made to cut the worst lines.”

“What? Tell me what you cut!” Varian demanded.

“Nope.”

He prodded me until we were in his hotel room alone.

“You really don’t want to know.”

“Yes, I do.”

I sang it to him:

“Bet she doesn’t know

Living in ignorance of where those lips have been

But I know, I know, I came first

Every single press of your lips comes tainted by my erection

All the words you speak, every promise tastes like a lie

Let me sing it again so you don’t forget

I came first.”

“I’m so glad no one let you do that.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “And also turned on. Is that weird?”

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